A Big Heap of…Stuff

Woohoo, random post time. I don’t know if this one will amount to much, but oh well, hopefully we’ll have fun while it lasts.

I think I heard the coolest virus name ever. Oh god I’m declaring my supreme geekiness by saying that I think some virus names are cool. But some just sound neat. come on. You can’t tell me that klez didn’t sound like a swarm of pesky mosquitos. Well maybe you can, but I still think it was kind of cool. And bugbear? what’s that. But today, I’ve received a couple variants of…wait for it…the fuclip virus. I don’t care if it doesn’t have a k. I think the mind can put it in the appropriate spot. It sounds like either a nasty STD that you’d want to whisper to your doctor, or the coolest new nickname for people who piss me off. For example, “Spammers are all fuclips.” or, “I got stuck on the phone with a fuclip of a telemarketer.” I love it! And the best part is the people who made this gem probably are from some foreign country where English isn’t the official language, so they don’t even realize the hillarity of what they just called it. I can’t seem to find out what the Fuclip virus does, but it seems to be pretty new. So do the rest of the internet a favour and don’t develop a case of fuclips, will ya?

Attention all people who work in stores and can’t speak English: When I ask you to double-bag my milk and pop so I can walk home and not have my bag break, that doesn’t mean take my pop out and put it in a separate bag from my milk. I meant put the bag inside another bag. The way it is now, I have one more bag to carry! Thanks much. And can someone please tell me the best way to play Charades with someone who doesn’t speak the language well to illustrate that I would like to buy some Cuppa Soup? I was lucky today that a nice customer was able to walk over, grab what I wanted, and hand it to the poor befuddled woman who was trying her level best to understand me. but it would be nice to have some tips.

I saw in the E-bulletin that I get from the River Run Centre here in town that a comedy hypnotist, you know, a guy that hypnotizes people and then gets them to do funny things on command, is coming to the centre. This made me think about something that’s been spinning around in my head for years. I wonder if I can be hypnotized. I know that you have to be hypnotizable, subject to suggestion I guess you’d say. But then there’s the blink factor. I can see shadows though, so maybe they can get me to watch zee watch and it would work. But I wonder if people who are totally blind can be hypnotized with rhythmic music or something. Has anyone seen it done? As much as I’m curious about it, I can’t see myself forking over $20 to find out if I can be made to look like a complete tool in a trance, so I guess I’ll keep wondering. Plus, why would I want to be made to look like a tool in front of who knows who? With my luck, I’d be way too hypnotizable and they wouldn’t be able to break the trance and I’d be saying stupid things forever. I wonder how many people are thinking, “So…not much different than the way things are now, then?”

And a scary thought came to me a while ago. A lot of really famous, almost legendary, people are getting old. Because I’m a geek, I went and looke dup how old some people are on Wikipedia, and discovered that:

  1. Regis Philbin is a few months shy of his 76th birthday.

  2. Lloyd Robertson just turned 73.

  3. George Carlin is going to be 70 this year.

    4. and

  4. Ray Bradbury is almost 87.

Isn’t that scary? A lot of big names are getting up there, and I’m sure there are a ton more that I haven’t even thought of that are skidding down the hill of life on a toboggan and soon might hit that big tree with a loud crunch. And an even scarier thought is, can you think of anyone out there who is coming up to replace them, or better yet, create something to rival what they did? Is there anyone else who is becoming a household name like they are? I really can’t think of anyone. Can you? Isn’t that a sad statement?

And speaking of hitting trees with a loud crunch, I think this post just did. Hope the sudden stop didn’t hurt too much.

Cool! a New Fan!

I stumbled across Ann’s Blog through Thordora’s blog, liked it, and said hello. I guess she popped over here, and seems to like our stuff. So Yea woo to that. So I just wanted to say a quick hello to her and say I’m putting her in the links zone down there. Have a look at her blog, it’s pretty interesting. I don’t know how she has the energy to do all she does. All I know is if I had half of it, I’d be singin’!

>Something Goofy from the Inbox of Dorfus Chickenbutt

>Jen sent me this, it made me chuckle, and I thought it might generate some wacky comments, so up it goes. I love the magical place that is my inbox as Steve would put it.

The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names…So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

> 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of
> your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

I love the fact that George W. Bush’s name according to this is Fluffy chucklefanny. How fitting. Have fun with this. I know I did. It’s nice to know I share a blog with Crusty chickensniffer and Tootsie Pottyboob.

Ooo! I Hit a Nerve!

Wow! People read us for other reasons than a stop on their journey for the holy grail that is Randy Orton’s penis! I got chomped in the comments section under my post about MADD, and I think it needs addressing up here. So here it is, from Lisa.

I work for MADD and you seem to have your information wrong. Our name is Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but we are NOT all mothers. We are concerned citizens made up of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. that want to make a difference in our communities and end the violent crime of drunk driving. Our founders name that started MADD in 1980 was Candy Lightner. You should check out the website @ www.madd.org and get the facts correct. And you should think about becoming involved instead of pointing fingers. MADD’s mission is to stop drunk driving, support the victims of this violent crime and prevent underage drinking.

Allrighty, let’s begin with a clarification. I was referring to MADD Canada in that post. If you go to their site’s history section, you will indeed find that it was co-founded by a man named Jhon Bates, just like I said, aman who was kicked from his post in disgrace for the squandering of over half of each fund-raising dollar. I like the work they do, I just don’t appreciate that after it is known to be the no. 1 charity for fund-raising, I find out that only $0.44 of every dollar actually goes to that good work. The rest goes to either administrative costs or back to the people who might have called me during dinner or pounded on my door to guilt me into giving some money for this good work. I’m glad to give it, I just want to know it *is* going where it’s supposed to. Maybe MADD U.S. doesn’t have this problem, but MADD Canada sure does.

Second, if it’s supposed to be concerned citizens, why don’t you call yourselves something that reflects that? That was all I was saying in my wacky post. Last time I checked, Steve or John was never someone’s mom. If they want to be a concerned citizen, totally cool. Go Steve and John, go!

And finally, now you’ve angered me. Do *not* tell me that I should get more involved. I think volunteering at 3 charitable organizations and donating to additional causes is quite enough community involvement thank you. I’m not asking for a medal, but if I’m not supposed to “point fingers,” maybe you shouldn’t either.

Thanks for the comment. It made me correct an error. And thanks for reading. I like a little debate now and then.

This is Great!

Jen sent me this, and I love it! I love making fun of chain letters and virus hoaxes, and this email manages to make fun of them both simultaneously. So here it is.

If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes” delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair (hair remover) and your Nair with Rogaine (hair growth) . If the “Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE’S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you, – You’re on the bloody computer!!!!

I love all the ridiculous details, right down to the dire warnings and mention of all the sadness in the world. And these things still go around. Aside from the newbs who don’t know better, why do they keep making the rounds? Come on people, see the pattern!

Comments Are Working Again

Whatever issues the commenting system was having seem to be all cleared up now, so feel free to use it again. But if you’d rather email, that’s fine too. Sometimes email is better anyway, especially if you’ve got something that you really don’t want us to miss, like an update to something we’ve written about, things you think we might like to check out and possibly put up here, or even poorly typed hatemail that will probably end up on the main page with some added mentions of your impaired mental abilities.

So to sum up, comments are great, but if you want to yell at a specific person, you can find the correct address at the end of each post. Or if you’d rather yell at all of us at once to save time, just click on our names, which you can find near the top of each page.

Have a great day, and always remember that humans really aren’t all that different from any other animal on the planet. The only thing that really separates us from them is that we have recipes and they don’t.

Put A Cork In That Bottle

I have a question for anyone out there who happens to be either a sportswriter, broadcaster or an editor. Is there a regulation somewhere stating that every time Tampa Bay plays a hockey game, you are required to use the words “bottle Lightning” when reporting on it??

If the answer is no, then I also have a request. Please, stop doing it! It might have been cute once, but that once was sometime in 1992, and that was 15 years ago. Now, thousands of headlines and sportscasts later, it’s just annoying, and you should really start trying to be creative now, even though doing so goes against everything your industries stand for.

I’ve Never Seen That Before.

Haloscan appears to be puking all over itself in a whole new way. When you open the comment window and write a masterpiece, it lets you post it, and then cries “I can’t save it!” and spews all manner of error code at you. I have no idea why this is happening, hopefully it’ll just go away on its own because I can’t find a reference to this anywhere. Until it does, well, our email addresses are everywhere, so if it pukes on you, drop us a line through the email.