As a lad, I remember watching Danny Tartabull play baseball. He was pretty good at it as I recall, especially at the part where you hit the ball very well seemingly more often than you miss it. But as good as he was at that, he was apparently much less good at paying his child …
Category Archives: master criminals
I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?
After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into …
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It Could Also Mean Pilferer Of Everything
It hasn’t happened in a few years to my knowledge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before some guy (it’s always a guy) went and pulled a Wolfname, and that time is now. Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, had been trying to solve a rash of thefts from local businesses. …
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They Got No Rings, But The Police Got A Couple Of Collars
We use this one a lot, but appropriate is appropriate, soooo… Though it’s doubtful you would need one, if ever should come a day when screwing up a jewelry store robbery really, really badly becomes necessary, I present to you this handy guide courtesy of Colin Ayers and Mervin Chong. Make sure that it’s 9:30 …
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Wrong, Xiong, Booooo
This is absolutely ground we’ve covered before, but since I consider what I’m about to share with you to be an absolutely fantabulous reason to cover it again that may perhaps never be topped, let’s do that. When they come to your door, always (Always!) allow the nice officers to speak first so that you …
Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs
You know, because I need a heroin. Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017. He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason …
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Excuse Me, Mr. Sketchy Looking Guy? What The Heck Is A Rubbery?
At least once we’ve covered would-be robbers with handwriting so terrible that their victims had trouble figuring out what exactly they were up to. In that case, the poor penmanshiped perpetrator was juuuuuuuust smart enough to get out of Dodge when it became clear that things were heading south. Dion Taylor, on the other hand, …
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Fake Name, Real Fool
Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it. Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on …
It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present
There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the …
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Follow Your Arrow To Jail
I figure I might as well ruin two songs with this case. Remember the story about the guy getting shot with an arrow? Well, a few days ago, Eric Amaral pleaded guilty, and is going away for a long time. When they charged him with the murder, there was a small part of me that …