Roll up the Rim to Whine!

Ok, can someone bring me these morons so I can kick them in the nether regions? Maybe Steve wouldn’t mind kicking them too since I’m sure he agrees with me. Let’s all have a moron-kicking fest. Sounds like jolly good fun. And no I’m not British. It just seems the caffeine in this tea is hitting me hard.

Read this, and tell me if you want to kick them too.

Readers’ Digest condensed version: girl sees Tim Horton’s cup in garbage. Girl remembers Roll up the Rim contest and sees the rim is not rolled. Girl tries, but her little hands can’t do it. Girl gets help from older girl, who can, and finds they’ve one a SUV! Girls run to school office, which is where things begin to go south. Girls call parents. Little girl’s parents arrive and run off with the cup. Now bigger girl’s parents find out and want a piece of the action. Enter school staff member, let’s call him Mr. Douchebag. He says it was his cup that he, ahem, threw away, and now he’s playing gimme gimme!

Ready? Set? Kick!

  • One for little girls’s parents for not being big people and including bigger girl in the cash.

  • One for bigger girl’s parents for resorting to wee child tactics and whining, instead of talking it out privately with little girl’s family.

  • and 1746 kicks from steel-toed boots for Mr. douchebag for showing up magically to claim the winning cup.

Maybe we should change our lucky recipient of so many kicks to Captain Coincidence. How did he know it was his cup? It could have been anyone’s cup. And even if it was his cup, he gave up all rights to it by tossing it in the trash. It is now, uh, trash, and public trash at that. If he was so concerned about it, he should have rolled up the rim before he threw it away. Now, it’s time to apply the childhood expression finders keepers, losers weapers, so neener neener neener to you, Mr. Douchebag!

As for what the finders should do, they should stop weaping and acting like losers, and keep their dignity and do the only right thing to do. Sell the car, split the money, and put it in the kids’ college funds. Now now children, is that so hard? Otherwise, the parents are doing the ultimate in bad parenting and teaching the kids, what, boys and girls? Say it with me now. “Greed is the way of the world! Even if it isn’t yours, you can take it, and if you really want it, go ahead and sue for it! Mommy, daddy, and your teachers, your role models, say it’s ok!” And we wonder how we get generations of sue-happy, selfish assholes. The answer is simple. What should we have learned by now? We reap what we sow!

Welcome back Karine!

Well holy crap it’s a good day. It’s warm outside and we have a window open. I finally convinced my computer that yes, it’s ok to open haloscan’s windows on this site…and when I did, I found a surprise! In one of the comment windows,
Karine is back, with a new blog! Yea Karine! How the hell are ya? Are you still way over there in the Scandinavian north? It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you! I hope, in your neck of the woods, it’s as good a day as it is here!

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

No, this isn’t a big blather session about Stephen King. It’s actually about a nightmare, one of mine.
Barbie made me think about a certain disturbing dream I had when she wrote a post about a nightmare of her own.

I had this dream years ago that scared me, not because of what it was, but because my mind was capable of constructing such a thing. It was right after the whole September 11 thing happened. I dreamed that everybody at the university was in fear of being atacked by terrorists. So they set up this whole emergency response system. they had a special alarm to signal threat of bombs, we practised using this alarm, every classroom had hundreds of gas masks hanging in a cupboard that the professor had keys to, and everybody had to go out a special door to a lead-lined waiting area in case of the presence of nuclear warheads if this alarm went off.

Well, one day, the alarm went off, and it was not a drill! We were in a giant lecture hall, the lights went out, and when I mean it was dark, I mean the kind of blackness that wraps around you and starts to squeeze. The weird part about that is I’ve felt that kind of dark in real life when the hydro went off in one of the lecture halls I was in at 10 in the morning!

Anyway, we all began to proceed as planned. We put on our gas masks and started to move to the exits. But the terrorists were ahead of us! They had locked the exits from the inside! So envision some 500 people, all not used to the dark, stumbling around in panic.

And here comes the super weird part. The terrorists were in the building, and they were playing trumpets, but they were playing the JAWS theme. Somehow we knew these trumpet-playing wackos were the enemy, hell if I know how. Each time they got close to one of the lost souls that were my classmates, in true JAWS fashion, the song got faster.

And it gets weirder. In the blink of an eye, I went from your run-of-the-mill civilized university student to a barbarian similar to someone straight out of Lord of the Flies. For the sake of my own survival, I was willing to sacrifice my classmates. I was extremely relieved and hopeful when I heard the JAWS trumpets speeding up far away because they were after someone else, and while they did their vile things to them, whatever they may be, I just might have a chance to escape!

The rest of the dream was spent running. Up stairs, down stairs, through hallways. I would not let anyone lead me because I was afraid they would sacrifice me as quickly as I would sacrifice someone else. I knew all humanity was gone as long as I was in this building. I think what shook me back to some form of humanity was hearing the JAWS trumpets speed up followed by a scream from a close friend. Then it was over.

Now, here comes the weird part. I have never been through a terrorist attack. I have never been around during a war that was happening here in Canada. I haven’t really read a book where the characters were going through such a thing. Lord of the Flies was a completely different ballgame. So where would I have created such an idea that had such depth that it would make me think for years? I didn’t think I had such savagery in me that I would gladly sacrifice other human beings to save my own life without trying other things, even in my dreams.

What? A Functioning Computer?

Hey everyone. Excuse me in this post while I mildly geek out. God what a crazy week. I eventually bit the bullet and had this cacking, dying, struggling, upchucking computer taken into the shop. It left on Tuesday, and just came back yesterday, and it works better than it ever has, and the sound doesn’t sound like ass anymore! Wow! I can actually play music on it without wanting to cry! Let’s just hope the cacking and dying stops now too. But only time will tell.

I’m just amazed to see how much damage a bad install of windows can do to a poor computer. I used to always get furious when I was going to school, I’d call the PC help line for help with some random problem and if it was especially stumping, they’d say “reinstall windows.” I’d think, “You morons! That’s just an easy out for you! Why don’t you help me instead of making me start over?” Now I know there might have been some truth to that.

Before this computer went to the shop, let’s face it. It was a whore! It would delete random files every time it would fall to its knees and choke, which could happen multiple times a day. It sounded like it was dragging a boulder every time you asked it to do anything. It couldn’t keep doing what I asked it to, I was afraid to do anything with the stupid thing! Oh, and if you played too many sound files, it would begin sounding like slow motion man.

Now, with the installation of a soundcard and a windows repair, voila! No dragging boulder when there’s no boulder to drag! No crappy sound! A much more responsive computer! I don’t know if all the problems are fixed, but it sure seems like there was more to that reinstall windows thing than I thought. And maybe computers are more like people than I think. Hardware influences software, like body influences mind. You let some dumbshit convince you that your computer should have an onboard sound chip, your sound chip causes your poor windows to have to work harder, your poor windows makes more errors, it falls down and loses some files.

Incidentally, Freedom Scientific can suck a dongle. They can suck a dong too. They can suck pretty much anything as long as it is guaranteed to give them some sort of infection that will make them smell like fish for as long as they shall live. You see, boys and girls, Freedom Scientific makes stuff to make computers talk. As you can imagine, not many companies make such things, so they will cost you an arm, a leg, and a few internal organs, and the company makes damn sure they get as many arms, legs, and internal organs as they can by making it hard as hell to crack. So, even if you don’t want to crack it, but just want to use it legitimately on a bunch of computers, too bad, you’re out of luck, chester!

I have to say in earlier versions, they were somewhat more generous than now. they gave you a disk with the mysterious power to dole out the permission to use JAWS, their thing to make computers talk, on five different machines. But it was very very very hard to find where this license was kept, so you couldn’t copy it and put it on another computer. You could use this disk to also remove the license from any of these computers, so if you needed to do repairs on the hard drive, you could save the license from damage, because once they’re gone, there’s no…oh gee sorry. Sure, have another one. Nope, they’re gone. The only way to get more is to hand over more limbs and organs to the big company.

Now, they’ve said bye-bye to the disks and bye-bye to our power to save our license keys from getting destroyed in hard drive reformats and other crap. What happens is every time you install JAWS, it phones home to our dong-sucking company, and dong-sucker says, sure they have a license to install the program here. But if your hard drive is going to be reformatted, there is no way to phone home to dong-sucker and say, “Hey dong-sucker, I don’t need the license on this computer right now, take it off so I still have the same number of license keys.” This is especially bad since they only give you three license keys rather than five like in the old days, the cheap pricks. I found this out the other day. Thankfully I didn’t have to spend any money, but I just know I’d better watch my computer p’s and q’s, or I will have to if I have any glitches that make a meal out of the license key.

So, hopefully now that I have a decent computer, you’ll hear from me again soon.

This Is Just Strange

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Homeless man Grady Allen Carnahan was caught trying to steal a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo on Tuesday night. A security guard called police after noticing a man lugging a trash can with a sheep inside. Carnahan tried to tell police he was a doctor and the sheep was sick. He fought with officers when they tried to take him into custody. He was later arrested on numerous charges and the sheep was returned to its home at the zoo.

Update:
I knew there had to be a more detailed story on this out there somewhere, and here it is.

A True Internet Love Story

Found this on a pretty funny site. where to these people come from???

—
One day in a popular chat room, a young religious man by the name of ILuVGod32 posted an invitation reading, “Any ladies who would not find it too much trouble to have cyber sex with me, please send me a private message.” He received in reply a private message from the young lady of faith ChristGirl1210. An involved conversation took place. This is its transcript.

ChristGirl210: hey wanna cyber?

ILuVGod32: sure…

ChristGirl210: cool

ILuVGod32: alright

ChristGirl210: ready?

ILuVGod32: yep

ChristGirl210: ok

ILuVGod32: yeah

ChristGirl210: well?

ILuVGod32: well what?

ChristGirl210: well lets do it

ILuVGod32: i’m waiting for you

ChristGirl210: no dont do that, go ahead

ILuVGod32: i cant
ChristGirl210

ChristGirl210: why?

ILuVGod32: b/c i’m waiting for you

ChristGirl210: just go ahead

ILuVGod32: no, you, please

ChristGirl1210: whats the big deal?

ILuVGod32: alright, fine, listen: i dont know how to do it

ILuVGod32: i just hear my friends talking about it

ChristGirl1210: golly gosh darn gee!

ILuVGod32: sorry… can you tell me?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know what it is either

ILuVGod32: damnit!

ChristGirl1210: do you have any idea at all?

ILuVGod32: someone said something about getting horny

ChristGirl1210: ok…

ILuVGod32: so like… maybe i think horny thoughts..?

ChristGirl1210: maybe

ChristGirl1210: i’ll try that

ILuVGod32: alright

ILuVGod32: wait, this cant be right, we should be somehow chatting

ChristGirl1210: yeah ur right

ILuVGod32: well then what the heck could it be?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know

ILuVGod32: well its called *cyber* sex, so it must have to do w/ computers

ChristGirl1210: and?

ILuVGod32: maybe we rub up against our monitors and keyboards or something

ChristGirl1210: but then we aren’t chatting

ILuVGod32: oh yeah

ChristGirl1210: then what is cybersex?

ILuVGod32: Oh, i know! we tell eachother horny stuff, like we’re having sex

ChristGirl1210: oh thats probably it

ILuVGod32: ok lets do that, i’ll start

ChristGirl1210: alright

ILuVGod32: i’m taking off my shirt, to expose my chest

ChristGirl1210: what’s it like

ILuVGod32: its very… bright white, and it has two nipples, one on the left, and one on the right

ChristGirl1210: ooh! i see the left one… and there’s the right one, equally handsome

ILuVGod32: in fact, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, you could touch it

ChristGirl1210: i cant, i’m not really there

ILuVGod32: it’s pretend

ChristGirl1210: oh! thats right

ChristGirl1210: ok i am reaching out to touch your chest, it is magnificently white

ILuVGod32: oh sorry

ChristGirl1210: what?

ILuVGod32: i just farted

ChristGirl1210: gross! its not real, remember?

ILuVGod32: oh, thats right, never mind

ChristGirl1210: where were we?

ILuVGod32: touching my chest

ChristGirl1210: oh yeah.. its a very nice chest, i like all of the contours

ILuVGod32: oh really? maybe you could also take off your shirt (if it wouldnt be too much trouble)

ChristGirl1210: ok

ILuVGod32: wow, that’s a nice stomach you’ve got there

ChristGirl1210: what do you mean? i took off my sweater, i’m still wearing my shirt

ILuVGod32: oh, oh, of course

ILuVGod32: i never really took of my shirt, either

ChristGirl1210: you didn’t? I did, just not both of my shirts

ILuVGod32: you didnt, y not?

ILuVGod32
ChristGirl1210: do u think i’m gonna sit here w/ my shirt off when you can’t even tell?

ChristGirl1210: i mean, my dad is home

ILuVGod32: this isnt turnign me on

ChristGirl1210: oooh, sorry, let me try again

ChristGirl1210: i’ve taken off my shirt now, i’m showing you my undershirt

ILuVGod32: christ, how many shirts do you have?

ChristGirl1210: did u just say the lords name in vain?

ILuVGod32: sorry, i didnt mean to

ChristGirl1210: its ok

ILuVGod32: im takin off my pants

ChristGirl1210: hey now

ChristGirl1210: i dont even know you

ILuVGod32: yeah you do, member, you asked to cyber.

ChristGirl1210: oh yah, i did

ChristGirl1210: ooh, your legs r sooo hot

ILuVGod32: i like your chest

ChristGirl1210: hey, why r u lookin at my chest? you perve!

ILuVGod32: what? i thought this was cyber sex!

ChristGirl1210: i’m sorry, i just cant do this.

ILuVGod32: aw, come on now

ChristGirl1210: hey, thats sexual harrassment, and i don’t have to take it

ILuVGod32: OMG, what is wrong with you?

ChristGirl1210: i dunno…. i just feel dirty

ILuVGod32: but, we didn’t do anything

ChristGirl1210: i know…

ILuVGod32: then whats the problem? come on baby.. i like the taste of your inner thigh

ChristGirl1210: what the hell? who r you?

ChristGirl1210: what have you done w/ jason?

ILuVGod32: whos jason?

ILuVGod32: im mark

ChristGirl1210: u are?

ILuVGod32: no, im jason, just screwin w/ yah

ChristGirl1210: lol

ILuVGod32: lol

ChristGirl1210: anyways

ChristGirl1210: i really like your body, its so sexy

ILuVGod32: thanks, you can hardly tell that i’m 5 ft 2 and weigh 240 pds, right

ChristGirl1210: eeeeew

ILuVGod32: oh, sorry i just farted again

ChristGirl1210: why do you keep telling me these things

ILuVGod32: i dunno, i guess its a fetsih

ChristGirl1210: what’s a fetsih

ILuVGod32: its weird stuff that turns people on

ChristGirl1210: oh, like how my dad dresses up like a sumo wrestler, and jumps on my mom?

ILuVGod32: whaat?

ChristGirl1210: oh, n/m

ILuVGod32: so, what turns you on?

ChristGirl1210: i like bunnies

ILuVGod32: so do i, they are so soft and fuzzy, and i like to touch them

ChristGirl1210: thats just weird

ILuVGod32: what?

ChristGirl1210: oh forget it

ChristGirl1210: btw, are you wearing a condom?

ILuVGod32: it’s not real!

ChristGirl1210: i know, but it just feels dirty otherwise

ILuVGod32: what the hell does it matter?

ChristGirl1210: would you please quit cursing? anyway, i dont want to get some horrible std, duh

ILuVGod32: are you crazy? i dont even have one

ChristGirl1210: well if you’re gonna be having sex with random people from chat rooms, you should at least carry one in your wallet

ILuVGod32: ok whatever, i’m putting on a condom

ChristGirl1210: you said you don’t have any

ILuVGod32: WE’RE PRETENDING

ChristGirl1210: alright, fine, but if i get pregnant, dont think youre dodging child support

ILuVGod32: my god you are weird

ChristGirl1210: well it’s not like i’d get an abortion, i couldn’t kill a child

ILuVGod32: what is your problem?

ChristGirl1210: i’m not the one who keeps farting

ILuVGod32: can we get on with it?

ChristGirl32: ok, ok

ILuVGod32: how bout takin off your pants so we can get some action going?

ChristGirl32: how bout NOT, creep!!

ILuVGod32: oh this is so hopeless

ChristGirl32: it wouldn’t be if you weren’t such a pervert, shouldnt we at least get to know eachother first?

ILuVGod32: you don’t get it do you?

ChristGirl32: you’re the one who doesn’t know how to have a proper relationship

ILuVGod32: listen, i’m leaving, dont talk to me again unless you know what the hells going on

ChristGirl32: i dont wanna have sex with you anyway, you curse so much you’d probably be abusive later in life

ILuVGod32: whatever, bye

No News Is Top News

We’ve got Canadian tourists being murdered by professional hitmen in Mexico. We’ve got buildings falling down and killing people. We’ve got what could be the largest bank robbery in British history. We’ve got earthquakes, shootings and city-wide strikes that are shutting down important services in some places. We’ve got lots of things that I’m sure many of you would agree could and should be lead stories on any newscast in any city in any part of the world.

But even with all of this important stuff going on, what, Since Wednesday, has been the dominant headline whenever you turn on the TV news here in Canada? Not a shooting or the economy or the fact that we’re getting more heavily involved in the war on terror than we probably should since we’ve got almost no military to speak of. Not the new government here or anywhere else for that matter or even the fact that Paul Bernardo is confessing to a shitload of things that nobody had any idea he was a part of. No, none of the things I just mentioned seem to be all that important right now, not when compared to the big story of the moment, that being that our Olympic hockey team sucked this year.

Now before anybody gets all upset that I’m slagging hockey coverage, I’ll say this much. The Olympics are a little more than your average sporting event and I understand that people want to know what’s going on, myself included. but that being said, there’s a time and a place to let everybody know how we’re doing, and that place is the sports report. Ok, so maybe a brief mention of somebody winning a medal for the country near the beginning of the newscast isn’t so bad, but keep in mind the word brief, because the media seems to have forgotten it. And if you think I’m wrong about that, consider these questions. Is it really necessary to spend the first 10 minutes of a 30-minute national news broadcast that’s supposed to keep people up to date on the important events of the day discussing and debating over and over again why it is that other people will be playing for medals on the weekend and we won’t? I don’t think so. And do we really need to bring experts on to these same broadcasts to let us know that our team got out-scored? That would be no. You don’t even have to watch the games to figure that much out. We lost, therefore we most certainly got out-scored.

I’m not saying never analyze the situation, I’m just saying analyze it where and when it needs to be analyzed, and let the news do what it’s supposed to do, keep tabs on things that will have a more direct impact on my life and the lives of others than some millionaire losing a game.

I’m A Professional

Given all of the talk in the media recently about the rising number of gun-related incidents in Toronto and elsewhere, I thought it was only proper that we here at the Vomit Comet use our vast world-wide influence [hahaha] to spread the message that guns, even though they may seem to some to be fun and exciting, can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. To that end, we encourage you to watch
this important video on gun safety.
You never know, it might just save your life.