The Angry Blind Man’s 6 O’clock News Recap

I’m going to try something that I’ve never tried before because I need to take my mind off of a few things and making fun of people I’ve never met before and venting my anger on them seems like a good way to accomplish that. So with the snappy little introduction complete with reasoning out of the way I present to you…

THE ANGRY BLIND MAN’S 6 O’CLOCK NEWS RECAP

CKCO News At 6, here we go!

*Our top story tonight is the crazy high gas prices that just keep going higher. I personally can only give half a fuck about this because I don’t drive, but it does hurt the people who have to drive me around, which explains where the half of the fuck I do give comes from.

This story gets a full report complete with outraged area residents, Shocked Man and Woman Who “Doesn’t Like It.”

Wow, there’s people dying all over the world but we get to see people getting pissed off about spending $73 to fill up their vehicles in 2 different cities. Simple answer to the problem, sell the SUV, ya jerkoff.

*Ok, moving right along, talk turns to tonight’s Toronto hockey game, complete with jubilant area residents who probably drove to the sight of the party they’re at in their cars, using up more of their gas so that tomorrow they can become outraged area residents again. “Go Leafs Go” seems to be the prevailing sentiment of the moment. This will be followed closely by “go fuck yourself, you oil company owning sonofabitch.”

*An early morning truck fire made a mess of an area road…and it’s in my city, that’s pretty sweet. Flaming dirty hospital bedding backing up traffic for about 10 kilometres, gotta respect that, not sure why, but you just do.

*Moving away from my current city to another that I used to live in, a big load of tires went up in flames in the Brantford area. Homes were evacuated because of smoke and because tires burn like a mofo. Wait, I missed something here, this happened a while back and now there’s some legal rangling over who’s going to be responsible for paying to clean it up. Outraged area residents, you know the drill, let’s move on.

*A car accident near Kitchener didn’t kill some people that I don’t know and nothing funny happened. Why would they even report on it at that point?

*Now we’re talking about the funeral of a University of Waterloo professor who was killed in trinidad where he was vacationing, and who is almost worth a post of his own. He was held up by some locals who wanted his money. He tried to get away by flagging down a passing car…which turned out to be driven by the robber’s accomplice who promptly shot him in the fucking head. You ever get the feeling that somebody’s trying to tell you something? I guess it’s true what they say, when it’s your time it’s your time. By the way, for those who are wondering about the reaction of area residents, they’re sad this time.

*Big pot bust in my city, over 175 marijuana plants were discovered in the grow opperation. It’s just a tragedy that all that stuff will never get to be enjoyed, most tragic thing on the news so far. Colour me an outraged area resident.

*Keeping with the marijuana theme, a Vancouver day care centre has been shut down after it was discovered that the facility was doubling as a home grow opperation.

“No wonder those kids always wanted so many fucking cookies all the time,” an outraged area parent said when reached for comment.

*Moving on, we have a story about the rash of vandalism at Jewish cemeteries that has been taking place in recent months. I can’t think of a really good Jew joke on the fly, oh wait, I can but it’s way too mean, even for me.

*Gang members turned informants who were involved in a Quebec biker trial are upset at the police for not providing them with the new identities they were promised when they ratted out their friends with guns who said they would kill them if they ever turned informer and ratted them out.

Gang member Bob Johnson, who asked not to be identified said that he was disappointed at the situati…then the connection suddenly went silent after a loud pop.

*Woe, a big giant bear up a tree in a residential neighbourhood. Unfortunately for local media who could have a field day with this sort of thing, nobody was hurt and the bear was dealt with by area animal control officials.

*Now comes our first look at the weather that really says not much and serves little more purpose than giving the weather guy some camera time.

*Oh boy, here comes street talk, my favourite part of the news.

Today’s question: With the increasing gas prices, how will your driving habbits change?
Steve answers: Well I’ll just have to figure out which of my friends and family have the most money and kiss up to them so that when I need them to, they’ll be happy to drive my blind ass around. I don’t really care if they raise bus fair since I don’t have to pay for it but if they raise cab prices I’ll be even more pissed off than I am right now.

You know, that was more thoughtful than any of the answers that were actually given on TV but most of the time that’s the case anyway. I’m reminded of my favourite answer to any street talk question.

Question: Who would you most like to see in a celebrity boxing match?
Steve’s answer: Crhistopher Reeve and Steven Hawking.

Come on, tell me you wouldn’t pay good money to watch that.

*Some bad ass stuff happened to a baby, she was abused by nurses who were hired to help care for her. She was caught on hidden camera beating the shit out of this kid, she’s on trial now. I’m not sure how to feel about things like that. On the one hand I’m not a big fan of the idea of being filmed everywhere I go but on the other hand, she shouldn’t have been abusing the kid and she deserved to get caught.

*The Agriculture Ministry has announced some sort of plan to help tobacco growers hurt by recent cutbacks in their industry. My attention was diverted at this point so I’m not really sure what the details are but I did turn back in time to catch a glimpse of an outraged area tobacco farmer.

*the province is trying to crack down on drivers who don’t stop for school busses. There is talk of hefty fines and all the usual things that are talked about when new laws are proposed.

I say just build some bigger and stronger school busses and let a few of these arseholes who think that their time is more valuable than everyone else’s get hit by one every now and then. If that won’t learn ya, nothing will.

*The Canadian Cancer Society has given out grants to 35 organizations who are doing research. Even I’m not heartless enough to make fun of that, nor am I in the mood to think of a way to do it. Actually that’s more the reason than the heartless bit.

*A local college is teaching a group of students how to build a drag racing car. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong there.

*Moving right along, people are building things for some sort of skills competition that I don’t quite understand. I’m not sure what they’re building, but it’s some sort of happy fun competition for young people hoping to get construction jobs. That’s right kids, aim high.

*Our Lady Of Grace Catholic School presented a production of A Mid Summer Night’s Dream today. The play was said to have gone off without any problems although many spectators said that they didn’t remember the part where the priest molested all of the child actors.

*I think our Government is a little nervous about the election and their chances of winning it. They haven’t even called the thing but they’ve already got their commercials all planned and produced, complete with attack ads aimed at the guy who’s in second place. That’s sort of funny because they’re in the middle of trying to make a big advertising scandal go away right now so you’d figure they wouldn’t be all that eager to get on the commercial production. Oh irony, how I love thee.

*The people responsible for kidnapping a Canadian man and holding him hostage in Iraq are asking for 50000 dollars to buy his release. Gees, I can think of a few people who need to watch a few more action movies. Everybody knows that the evil Arab guys never get what they want and that their plans for world domination are always foiled by a day saving martial arts expert. Come on guys, do a little research next time.

*Staying with hostages in Iraq we come to the guy who’s name eludes me right now, the one from the States who escaped and ended up getting rescued. It turns out that he actually escaped twice but he couldn’t get in contact with anybody from the US to help him get away so he ended up getting recaptured. Am I the only one who thinks that there’s more to that story than we’re getting?

I missed the rest of this story because the speech this dude gave was cracking me up. Not what he was saying, but the way he was saying it. I wish I could do voices in writing, it really needs to be heard. He sounded more scripted and wooden than most politicians if that helps.

But on a happy note, he is recovering in Germany and is looking forward to going home where he will resume his life as a local area resident with about 6 of his 15 minutes of fame left.

*Israel’s military fired a missile into a refugee camp in retaliation for an attack that took place over the weekend. I guess if you have to look on the bright side though it should be noted that nobody’s home was destroyed since well, everybody there was pretty much homeless anyway.

*More coverage of the return of SARS to China. But since SARS already gets way too much attention I’m not even going to bother joking about it right now. I’ll just mention that more people die every year from the flu and other illnesses and move on.

*Wild fires are continuing to burn in California.

In a related story, we have a new most tragic news item of the night, tragic because they’re eventually going to put those fires out, rendering my area residents were said to be crispy joke almost entirely unuseable.

*And at this point the recap is cut short since I was forced to run for my life when the fire alarm went off again. It turned out to be nothing more than somebody not knowing how to cook and burning something really bad so it wasn’t as much of an ordeal as last time. It did cause me to miss a bunch of the newscast however so I’m just cutting it here.

I hope that at least some of you enjoyed this. Maybe I’ll do it again some day, it was kind of fun. I guess only time will tell.

All I need now is one of those sign off things like newscasters use, one of those things like “that’s the way it is” or “that’s the kind of day it’s been,” something like that.

Wait, I’ve got it, check this out.

Bye.

Yeah, that’s awesome, I think I’ll stick with it.

Goddammit!

If there’s anybody out there who saw my post about the Hot Hot Heat CD review I did and wanted to read it but hadn’t hit the link yet, I should probably let you know that that link doesn’t work anymore. If you click there you’ll go to a review, but it’s just not the one you were looking for.

Instead you’ll be taken to a review of Short Music for Short People, a really fantastic punk compilation. I suggest you go and read all about it and maybe even buy it. There’s even a handy little button right on the page that will let you do just that, and you’ll be supporting Salty Ham at the same time.

As for where you can find Hot Hot Heat, go to the main page of
Salty Ham
and look around for it. It’s still on the main page under the Classic Music Reviews heading.

I think in the future I’m going to stop linking directly to things like that since the way that the site is set up, the links swap themselves out when new content gets posted. I’ll link to the reviews sections and when I actually start writing columns again [which will be soon by the way] I’ll link to the archive page like I’ve always done.

Sorry for the confusion.

Cross Your Fingers For Me Guys

Well, I won’t be posting for a few days as I’m off to Montreal for our final selection camp to name the Olympic team. I’m pretty excited and pretty nervous as I’m sure you can imagine. I don’t have much to say as I’m trying to get myself focused on what I gotta do but I just thought I’d come on and just let everyone know I’m out for a while and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. Never hurts to have a little luck backing you up.

Have a good weekend and I’ll let you know how it went when I get back.

Something To Think About

I was just reading a story about how the Recording Industry Association Of America has filed suits against another 400 and some odd people for copyright infringement. By now most of you should probably know how I feel about those so I’m not going to get into that. But one thing that struck me funny was the rationale behind who the RIAA have chosen to sue in this new round of legal action.

Here’s a quote from the story I read.

“the organization highlighted its litigation against university students, this time at 14 separate schools. Record labels have been particularly concerned about high levels of music trading on campuses, where students often have access to fast Internet connections and little money for music purchases.”

So what’s so wrong with that? Well, let’s look at what that all means.

The RIAA are worried about college and university students who don’t have lots of money at their disposal downloading music and not buying it on CD’s or through places like iTunes, so in their infinite wisdom they respond in the most logical way possible, by suing them…for thousands of dollars per infringement. I guess that makes sense if you’re the most retarded retard to ever be retarded in the entire recorded history of retardedness. Come on, if the reason that students aren’t buying music is because they simply don’t have the cash for it, then how do you figure they’re going to pay the settlement, or hadn’t you thought ahead that far? Some days I honestly think that the RIAA should hire me to head up a common sense department because they obviously can’t be bothered to have any of their own.

But I suppose that if there’s anything positive we can take from this story it’s that we can all thank our lucky stars that the people plotting out the RIAA’s legal strategy are doing that rather than teaching math to our kids.

Happy downloading,

Steve

They Just Keep Coming

Feel free to keep sending these things in, they’re great. This one even gets extra points for penising the album title.

Maroon 5 – Songs about Penis
1) Harder to Penis
2) This Penis
3) Shiver Penis
4) She will be Penis
5) Tangled Penis
6) The Penis
7) Must Get Penis
Sunday Penis
9) Secret Penis
10) Through with Penis
11) Not Coming Penis
12) Sweetest Penis
Satan | 04.28.04 – 12:16 am |

I’m A Blogging Machine

So I heard an interesting theory on the radio this morning that made a lot of sense and I’ve been thinking about a lot. It’s in regards to the Leafs/Flyers series that will continue tonight.

It was said by one of the announcers that Philly coach, Ken Hitchcock, is going out of his way to be nice to the Leafs. The Leafs seem to play better when there is a hatred there and an intensity. The Leafs got by Ottawa this year and you know there’s a hatred there. They played Philly real tough in the playoffs last year when things started to get real mean. The Islanders and Senators the year before that definitely had some heat and when they go to Carolina there was no rivalry or hatred and they went right in the shitter.

The Leafs are made up of guys like Tucker, Roberts, Marchment and guys like that who play better with a burr in their saddle. They want it real physical, they want lots of lipping off and shoving and they’re not getting that.

When Hitchcock talks to the media about Toronto he is very very complimentary saying things like “we’ll need to get much better because we know Toronto will” “oh, they’re a great team and they’re going to push us to the edge” “well Sundin’s a great player and we knew it would be tougher with him back in the line-up” “we’ve been lucky to get a few by Belfour because he’s one of the best in the world” and things like that. The Flyers’ players are doing the same thing and it’s almost certainly by order of the coach.

You look at Jeremy Roenick. He is one of the most outspoken guys in the league who is always good for a quote to spark something and he has done nothing but praise Belfour and the Leafs. It’s obvious Hitchcock does not want to wake up the Leafs. I’m sure in the locker room they say all the same “Toronto are assholes” “fuck this guy” kinda thing but not publically. They’ve been very diplomatic and that’s something that the Flyers’ are not known for.

Philly is quite content playing an up and down game without much intensity because they’re winning at it. Philly plays tough but they’re not as big as they used to be and they don’t want this to turn in to a war. They wanna continue what they’re doing now and get the last laugh when they sweep the Leafs right out of the playoffs.

Toronto needs to find something to hate about the Flyers. You would think that the fact that they were eliminated last year by this would be enough but it has not been. In all fairness, the Leafs have not played poorly but they have not played that mean game that they can play and need to play to be effective. Philly has small guys on the team. You need to start hitting the Recchi’s, the Roenick’s and the Kapanen’s and taking advantage of that. That will accomplish two things. You’ll knock those smaller guys off the puck to create opportunity for yourself and you may upset them and begin to put some life in to this series. Toronto needs that.

I just thought it was an interesting theory and when you look back at the different series’ where Toronto has played well vs where they’ve played badly it usually has something to do with heat and rivalry. You can even go as far back as the wars with New Jersey. Toronto lost those series’ but they played well and they were long series’ and you KNOW there was hatred between those teams then.

Just something to think about.

Someone Help Me Figure This Out

Yesterday I was at Karine’s blog and I followed a link to one of her friend’s blogs. I read a bit there and was about to move on but just before I left another link caught me eye that said “My Secret Life As A Prostitute” or something along those lines. Me being the curious guy I am decided to check it out. The link said it was just another blog so I wanted to see what kind of person would possibly name their blog something like that instead of something classy like VomitComet.

When I got their, it was exactly what it was advertised to be. This girl had her normal life and then a private life where for extra money she would sell herself. She tried to classy it up by saying “call girl” or “escort” and saying she had “apointments” but it is what it is, to me. This blog was something that she didn’t tell her friends and fmaily about but was just a journal of the guys she was having “apointments” with. It wasn’t something dirty where she went in to all kinds of detail on what she did with each of them but actually seemed like her own journal just saying “this guy was sweet” “oh god, i’ll never go to him again” and things like that.

In the second post I read, she talked about doing up new ads to post. That struck me as odd since I know that prostitution was illegal. So I wondered if she may have lived in a different country. It turns out she lives somewhere in the U.S. (did not reveal where for obvious reasons). Prostitution is illegal in the U.S. so it stuck me as odd that she would be so publically advertising. This was something I’d never really thought about much before. I’d heard of different “Escort” services and things like that but I thought they were all kind of shadey and you just kind of had to find them by “word of mouth” and things like that but I decided to look more in to it.

So, I think I’ve said on here before that I don’t live too far from Toronto, Canada. So I typed in to just the standard Google search bar the following phrase. “Toronto Escorts”. I was not surprised that I got a lot of matches as the internet is full of porno and shit like that. What I was surprised with was that there were actual ads and things online. One of them was a link to Yellowpages.ca where there was a listing of all the Escort Services in the Toronto Area. I was floored at how freely this stuff was advertised if it’s illegal.

I mean if the police are so interested in getting rid of prostitution why don’t they just look in the damn phone book and then go to these places and break it up. I mean the only difference between these things and a chick you pick up off a street corner is that if you’d like to, you can take her to a party or something first so it looks like you have a date before you go home and fuck her. It’s still prostitution.

That’s where my question lies. Perhaps someone has a better understanding of the laws than I do and can shed some light on this for me. Is an “Escort Service” legal? If so, why is it legal and prostitutes on street corners are arrested regularly? It doesn’t make much sense to me. These “Services” are just basically more professional and classy looking prostitution. (if that’s possible). And if these things are not legal? How is that they can be so freely advertised in such public areas as the Yellow Pages. It would be one thing if you had to go to some shady website (and those were there too) and get a list of e-mail adresses or something but how can you get away with publishing that in your phone book? Someone’s gotta help me out, here.

One last thing. This oughta help Steve out with his fun with people’s searchs and ending up here. You know someone will be looking for a Toronto Area Whore and end up at our site now.