To Make a Long Story Short….You Shouldn’t!

I’ve always hated the fact that finding unabridged audiobooks is like looking for a needle in a haystack. What really pisses me off is they don’t always say they’re abridged, you pay an arm and a leg for them, and after you’re done reading the book, you listen to the credits and the dreaded words are spoken. “abridgement by so and so.”

I always wondered what in Christ they were cutting out, but I thought well I must be getting the gist of the story. But one particularly bad abridgement made me realize that I can barely call it even that.

I got the short version of the Da Vinci code for Christmas. I read it and thought, well it’s sort of controversial, but it’s nothing that should really upset anyone. But I should have known something was wrong when the copy I had was 4 CD’s long, and I found out the unabridged version was 13 CD’s long. Um, by my calculations, that means the abridged version was a little under a third of the story!

I just got my hands on the unabridged version, and holy crap! There’s a lot more there, and the story actually makes sense! The abridged version never explained why Silas was so, well, crazily obsessed with doing God’s work, how truly manipulative Leigh Teabing was, it left out a lot of the references to the oppression of women that are in the book, and a ton of the controversial and really deep stuff. It also left out what makes last year’s lawsuit completely and utterly ridiculous. Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”, claim that Dan Brown stole ideas from their book to make his own novel and never gave them credit. Before I read the unabridged version, I was right behind them. Now that I got the whole story, I’ve got one problem, assholes. The name of your fucking book is planted squarely in the damn novel! Even the year it is written is also mentioned, and does anyone notice that Leigh and Teabing looks eerily like Leigh and Baigent? It’s an annagram, which I think is pretty awesome credit considering that annagrams are written throughout the book. Even the authors noticed that little gem, but failed to see it as,um, credit. Dan Brown never claimed in the novel that this was his idea. He clearly mentions several times that historians have been saying this for years. So these two can shut up and be thankful their book was even mentioned in a novel. it’s not often that references are found in fiction. I’m glad the judge agrees with me, although I pity how far he would have had to sift to find that little passage.

What makes me sad is some books, when they are converted to audio don’t get made into the abridged and unabridged form. All you get is the short version, and some of these don’t even make it into the CNIB library so I can have a crack at getting an unabridged version there. So, unless I want to get the print copy, scan it and hope that I can get an intelligible scan, the quick and dirty abridged audio is all I’ll be able to read. Ahem, audiobook publishers, maybe, if you’re going to give me a third of the story, you should charge a third of the price! Otherwise, you’re ripping me off!

Cool is the homepage of introduce the sounds of farts."

I’ve spent far too long looking at
this website,
but if you go there, and you should, I’m sure you’ll totally understand.

While you’re there, be sure to check out
theFart stories,
where you can read such touching anecdotes as The Fart Bottle and Farts and Dogs among others,
and
the Fart techniques,
where you will learn such valuable skills as how to make someone listen to your fart, the best way to fart in a person’s face, and of course, “the techniques of continue to fart almost endlessly.” Hint: “open your ass.”

If you’re wondering why all of those quotes look so strange, that’s the best part. This site was created by a couple of Japanese people, and it consists of some of the finest broken English I’ve seen in quite some time.

By the way, if you like what you see here, why not pick up a charm. They ward off evil in Japan, they’re only $5, and each one is
“hnad made.”
How can you go wrong?

In closing, never forget the 3 secrets of living happy and healthy:
“Eat a lot!
Fart a lot!
Produce a lot!”

I couldn’t agree more.

You Are Here?

It seems like I say this every time I start one of these things, but I have to say it again. It’s been way too long since we’ve done this, sorry about that. It’s also been way too long since I’ve done pretty much anything around here, so sorry about that too, unless you hate me of course, in which case I respectfully invite you to go suck a dick. But before you head off in search of a heaping mouthful of wedding tackle, don’t forget to take a second to thank Carin for keeping things going around here while I’ve been downed by the worst cold ever and while Matt’s been off sleeping with zoo animals or whatever it is he does now. Great job Carin, I have no idea what we’d do without you.

Anywho, enough of that. We’re here to make fun of people who may or may not be our readers, so why waste any more time than we absolutely have to?

14 May, Sun, 19:37:58
MSN Search:
Strap-on Disabled Sex

Am I the only one with a vision in my head of somebody walking down the street with a gyrating backpack full of paraplegics over his shoulders? What’s that? I am? Ok then, let’s move on, that was getting a little weird anyway.

14 May, Sun, 19:56:25
MSN Search:
does john cena do his own laundry?

I have no idea, but I’d be surprised if with a schedule such as his he would have time to iron his own shirts. That will be funny to exactly 2 people, those people being me and Carin. But if you’re going to get upset about inside jokes here, you just haven’t been paying attention.

06 Nov, Mon, 18:10:09
Google:
Mickie James sphincter

That shouldn’t be too hard to find, since according to this entry on Wikipedia she has at least 42 of them, as do the rest of us.

06 Nov, Mon, 20:14:02
Google:
Mickie James sphincter pictures

My guess is they’re probably hiding out with those pictures of Randy Orton’s penis that everybody keeps looking for.

01 Nov, Wed, 07:43:19
MSN Search:
CAN BAD MILK MAKE YOUR VOMIT

Can bad milk make your vomit what? Appear? Sing? Dance? Produce the complete works of Shakespeare like those typing monkeys from that old saying? Do a body good? I can’t possibly answer the question if you don’t finish asking it. Sure I know almost everything, but even I have my limits.

17 Jun, Sat, 23:20:28
Yahoo:
ABILITY TO BLOW NOSE IN CHILDREN

If you can catch one, you probably have the ability to do it.

29 Oct, Sun, 01:28:28
Yahoo:
copulating midgets

I think it’s great that you used a big word like copulating, since you know how sophisticated those midget porn sites can be sometimes.

07 Jul, Fri, 12:42:23
MSN Search:
are urinals really necessary?

At first I laughed at this, but once I stopped and thought about it a little more I came to realize that it’s actually a matter of perspective and that more than likely in some circles it would be considered a serious philosophical question. Then I thought, why not take a poll? Comments have been sort of slow around here lately, and if I’ve learned anything from this site over the years, it’s that 99 times out of 100 it’s this sort of thing that gets you people talking.

24 Jun, Sat, 16:09:00
Yahoo:
how labeling students affect their ability to laern

I’m not sure whether it does or it doesn’t, but something tells me that the person we’re dealing with here is more than likely a really solid argument for one side or the other.

12 Jul, Wed, 14:55:25
Yahoo:
giant black dickheads

I’m thinking that this search is too general for you to find much of anything. Perhaps try narrowing it by using terms such as Mike Tyson or Al Sharpton, that may help.

Ok, that’s all there is. I’ll be back later with something else I’m sure, but in the meantime, if anybody’s looking for me, I’ll be off hiding from Mike Tyson.

What’s So Wacky About That?

I just read this article about some of the so-called “zany” private members’ bills that various members of parliament are hoping to have passed into law.

I’ll admit that some of them are kind of goofy and out there, like Bill c-321, which would designate the third Friday of every February National Hockey Day, or Bill c-346, which would make it legal to use vitamins as a tax write-off.

But hidden amongst silliness like clasifying dog and cat fur as hazardous material are a couple of proposals that make quite a bit of sense.

For example, why shouldn’t we throw people in jail for killing or injuring police animals? We throw people in jail for killing or injuring police men and women all the time, and those animals are just as much members of the force as they are. Besides, the kind of specialized training required in order to use those animals doesn’t come cheap, so it only makes sense to make those guilty of taking the life of an officer pay for the crime.

And the idea of fining people $500 for using a cell phone while driving, is that really such a bad thing? That’s $500 the first time, a second offence would cost you $2000 or net you up to 6 months in jail.

Personally, I think a law like that one is way past due. A lot of people have trouble driving when they’re not using the phone, and I don’t care what anybody says, people do get distracted when they use them, I’ve seen it for myself many times. The only thing that makes this law sound in any way over the top is that we aren’t that tough on drunk driving in this country. But maybe that’s something else somebody ought to take a look at including in one of those pointless private members’ bills sometime soon. The Tom Brodbecks of the world may laugh about it, but it might just help make the world a bit more of a safer place.

It’s Official: We’re Doomed

NZ students to be allowed to use ‘text-speak’ in exams

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) – New Zealand’s high school students will be able to use “text-speak” – the mobile phone text message language beloved of teenagers – in national exams this year, officials said Friday.

Text-speak, a second language for thousands of teens, uses abbreviated words and phrases such as “txt” for “text”, “lol” for “laughing out loud” or “lots of love,” and “CU” for “see you.” The move has already divided students and educators who fear it could damage the English language.

New Zealand’s Qualifications Authority said that it still strongly discourages students from using anything other than full English, but that credit will be given if the answer “clearly shows the required understanding,” even if it contains text-speak.

The authority’s deputy chief executive for qualifications, Bali Haque, said students should aim to make their answers as clear as possible.

Confident that those grading papers would understand answers written in text-speak, Haque stressed that in some exams, including English – where good language use is specifically required – text abbreviations would be penalized.

Post Primary Teachers’ Association President Debbie Te Whaiti said the authority’s move reflects the classroom situation.

“Individual teachers are grappling with it (texting) every day,” she said

Teachers would have concerns if text slang became acceptable in everyday written language in classrooms, she said.

Critics said the National Certificate of Educational Achievement or NCEA, the main qualification for high school students, would be degraded by the authority allowing text speak use in exams.

The minor United Future Party said in a statement: “Untd Futr is cncernd bout da xeptnce of txt spk 2 b allwd in ritn xams 4 NCEA (United Future is concerned about the acceptance of text speak to be allowed in written exams for NCEA).”

“Skoolz r ther 2 educ8 + raze litracy 2 certn standrds (Schools are there to educate and raise literacy to certain standards),” the statement quoted United Future legislator Judy Turner as saying. “NCEA shudnt let da standrd b decidd by informl pop cultr of da time.”

High School principal Denis Pyatt said he wouldn’t encourage students to use text abbreviations in exams – but he was excited by the language development.

“I think text messaging is one of the most exciting things that has happened in a long time. It is another development in that wonderful thing we call the English language,” he said.

Internet blogger Phil Stevens was not amused by the announcement. “nzqa(New Zealand Qualifications Authority): u mst b joking,” Stevens wrote. “or r u smoking sumthg?”

This is Providing More Choice?

Where do I begin? There are so many things wrong with this story that it’s mind-boggling. A bunch of people have decided that all institutions for people with developmental disabilities must go. They claim it’s so people can have a choice of where to live, and they will be better off if integrated into the community.

Ok, I agree that, if a person can live out in the community, that’s a hell of a lot better for them than putting them in a place that will do everything for them. If someone isn’t helpless already, they will become that way if left in an institution where everything is done for them. But there are some people who just can’t do it in the community. They just can’t, and trying to integrate them would be ridiculous.

There was a girl in our school who was deaf and blind, had her brain pretty smacked up in a car accident when she was a baby so was pretty low-functioning developmentally, her level of communication consisted of the signs “more”, “toilet”, “eat”, and “drink.” To go to the toilet, get more of whatever she wanted, eat, or drink, someone else had to go get it or bring her to it. Otherwise, she would just sit there. Because she didn’t walk around much, she needed daily physiotherapy. Audibly, all she could do was go, “oo oo, ee ee.” Another one couldn’t move at all, and couldn’t express himself in any way. They even tried putting something behind his head so that if he pushed it to the left with his head, it would say yes, the right would say no. He couldn’t even do that. Another girl, after a massive car accident, was so badly brain-damaged that her workers had to remind her to swallow! Are they going to integrate in the community? No, I don’t think so. They’re going to live with mom and dad, or they’re going to be in some kind of institution or home where they can be cared for. That is the fucking reality!

I am sick of one group telling everyone else that, because this way of living worked for them, it should be forced on everyone, and then doing it in the name of giving them more choice. It’s like when the National Federation of the Blind decided that audible street-crossing signals, those things that chirp or cuckoo when it’s safe to cross, should be scrapped, and yelled whenever cities tried to put them in. Ya know, sometimes those audibles come in handy. I’d like to take those NFB bastards to downtown Guelph to St. George’s square and make them cross the street without the help of the audible there. Guess what? When it’s your time to go, there is 0 traffic flow. No clues. Or better yet, I’d like to see them cross at one of the crossings in the middle of a block without the audible. Sometimes, they help, and if you don’t want to use them, that’s fine, but someone else may use them all the time and it may make things better for them. Everybody does things in different ways. That’s what makes the world work. And how, logically, is taking away an option for someone giving them more choice? It’s just forcing them to make the same choice these other people made.

I am also sick of these groups making sweeping generalizations without taking into account how this will effect the families of the people they’re booting out of institutions. If these people all have to live with mom and dad, what happens when mom and dad get too old to take care of them, or they can’t afford the home care. Are these do-gooders going to come over and take over where mom and dad left off, changing diapers, spoonfeeding them dinner, and providing their physio? Let’s face it, some people may need that sort of thing.

Or what if, after a family has been taking care of someone who needs that level of care day in and day out with little respite, they just snap? How is that good for the well-being of the person being cared for? It’s not their fault that taking care of them is hard. But they will for sure pay for it.

And how far do we go with this “all institutions are bad” thing? Nursing homes are institutions. They’re there because some people reach a point where they just can’t stay in their home safely anymore. Should we close all of those too? Is it better to throw all these people out in the community to be cared for by who knows who?

And can these advocates stop saying “institutions for people with disabilities” when they mean institutions for people with intellectual disabillities? They make it sound like any adult with a disability is being shipped off to an institution *because* they have any disability. I get visions of that scene from the movie the Miracle Worker where a young Annie Sullivan is being taken to an institution because she was blind in one eye. Nope, if someone is in an institution today, there is likely a reason they are there. Sometimes there are mistakes, but that’s going to happen in any situation. Closing the institutions is not going to stop people from being put in places where they have no need to be.

And what about the people who may go to these places to get the help they need, and then go out into the community? Are these heros and saviours who want every facility closed going to pick up the slack? Then they’d better get busy.

Ug. There’s just so many problems. People need to realize that there is no universal solution to anything, no matter what it is. Everybody needs a different level of help. Why not leave the institutions open for the people who need them, have community supports available, and let people who can fend for themselves live their lives? How hard a concept would that be?

Snopes.com is the Best!

Man, I learn something new every day. Somebody was freaking out about the old scam where people used to phone businesses and get them to dial some numbers, and because of that, the person asking the business to dial numbers would get access to their long distance. So I went to get the status of that story from snopes.com. I found something cool. They have a section where they put the top 25 legends, based on media coverage and searches, in a list. I went there to see if I’d seen them all, since I’ve seen a fair share of hoaxes since I got email. Surprisingly, there were a bunch I hadn’t seen before, but there was one particularly disturbing one. Some idiot has written up an email claiming that if you are being robbed and made to withdraw money from your bank account at a bank machine, if you enter your PIN number backwards, it will still give you the money, but send a silent alarm to the police. They claim it’s everywhere and it can mean the difference between life and death.

How about nope.

Apparently, in Kansas, this system does exist, but it’s not widely known how many machines do it. Everywhere else, that does not work.

I don’t understand why people write hoaxes like this. I know people write other hoaxes just to see how far they can spread. Some people think they’re writing facts, but it turns out they are just misinformed. But this one could potentially cause harm to someone, and it’s likely the author knows it!. Someone getting held up could try this one time, no police would arrive and that could be the end of them. Why are there so many pricks in the world?

I hope snopes.com never shuts down, they do such good research and save me a lot of trouble!

Don’t ask the Question if You Don’t Want the Answer!

I love it when people ask you a question because they have to, and then seem completely upset that you actually want to give them a response. I had to call the lovely people over at OSAP, that is the Ontario Student Loan centre. Every time I call, I first get the automated system. It asks me if I want English or French. I say English. This is also something small that I always wondered. There are two voices you hear on the phone. The very english guy and the heavily-accented French woman whose English is fine, but she has an obvious French accent. The English guy says his piece and is gone, but the accented woman’s voice stays around, even when you say you want service in English. Why not get the very English guy to do the, um, English prompts and let the French woman do the French prompts? Anyway, that’s beside the point.

I say I want English and the guy comes on with a message that apparently is the answer to the most common question at the time. Then I press 0, meaning, give me a human. But oh no, the automated thing asks me for my Social Insurance Number and password. I give it and press 0 again and finally get a human. At the end of her conversation with me, she says, “Do you have any questions about the automated system?” I say, “Yes, as a matter of fact I do. How come, when I press 0, it still demands my Social Insurance number and password, even though when I get to you, you’re going to just ask for it again? Why won’t it just put me through to you guys?” The response is a slow, hesitant chuckle and an ok. What? You were hoping I’d have no question? Or you’re sick of that question? Maybe if you’re hearing it a lot, there’s a reason, and the system should be tweaked. I think we’ve reached a sad day when companies actually advertise the fact that you can sideline their automated system and get a human. That was the way it used to be, and that’s the way it should be! Some automation is great, but a machine can’t do it all!

Only in Canada!

Only inCanada would kids be able to walk up to 24 Sussex Drive and Stornoway, knock on the door, yell “trick or treat!” and receive candy from the Prime Minister and head of the opposition. Seriously, it was on the news last night. Holy wow. That’s just funny. Did they always do that? I used to live near Ottawa and never heard about that on the radio or TV or anything. That’s just cute.