No Way, Jose

The story of Jose Angel Perales Is…I’m not even sure what it is. Gross? Yeah, let’s go with gross.

According to a court complaint, Perales entered the lingerie store through an unlocked door around 4:10 AM. A police review of store surveillance video revealed that Perales–5’ 11” and 325 pounds–“walked around the store and shopped.”
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.”

It’s been a while since we’ve had a criminal helpful enough to tattoo his name on himself. I thought that had maybe fallen out of favour.

When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”
Investigators estimate that the items “used and/or taken” were worth between $1000 and $2000. However, cops added, the merchandise “could not be resold and were thrown away as they had bodily fluid on them.”

Perales was jailed on charges of burglary and theft, but was released after posting $5000 bond.

Speaking of things being released, the longer I sit here thinking about this butterball and his butt toys, the slimmer the chances become that my lunch is going to remain in captivity. I’m going to go now.

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