Vomit Comet

This showed up in the email today. I know none of these are fakes, I remember seeingmost of them while doing radio research and such.

NEW YORK –The Easter Bunny was hopping mad but kept his cool after being socked by a boy, a Wal-Mart greeter was sacked for showing a lot more than customers cared to see and a prep football coach was reprimanded for some eccentric licking. 2005 offered fresh tales of bizarre lust, quirky cuisine, multiple marriages and other foibles of human existence.

SAY WHAT TO ME, DUDE?
Like most everybody, LaChania Govan of Chicago got bounced around when she called her cable company to complain. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish — a language she doesn’t understand. But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she’d made somebody mad. It was addressed to “Bitch Dog.” “I was like you got to be freaking kidding me,” said Govan, 25, of her reaction when she saw the bill. “I was so mad I couldn’t even cuss.” Two employees were fired after company officials went through records and identified them as being involved in the incident.

JUST WHAT WAS IN THAT RECIPE?
How about the Idaho high school boy who fed a batch of semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student and his friends? It seems the teenager was more than a bit ticked when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. As a police report said, the prankster, who has since agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace, “hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain.”

GAVE A LICKING AND KEPT ON TICKING
An Oregon education board reprimanded a Central Linn High School football
coach for licking the wounds of several student athletes. Coach Scott Reed admitted licking blood from the knee of one student and the arm of another. It was not clear why he did it. Linn County Sheriff Dave Burright called the licking “bizarre” but not criminal because contact wasn’t forced. Three students said it appeared the coach was “just joking around.”

SO EASY. EVEN A CHILD CAN DO IT
An Anderson County, S.C., sheriff’s deputy was temporarily sidelined by his boss after the officer’s pistol went off during a gun safety class at a middle school. It seems the weapon discharged when a student pulled the trigger as the deputy was showing the kids how hard it was to take a gun from an officer’s holster. The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut two students.

ONE WIFE AT A TIME
Another South Carolina deputy had a lapse of judgment, too, but his was of the matrimonial variety. Sumter County sheriff’s deputy Jay Follin was fired for being married to two women at the same time. Follin, 27, was separated from his first wife when he married his second, according to a department investigation. His second wife, the investigation revealed, was already married to another man at the time. Everything became known when the husband of Follin’s second wife filed a complaint with the sheriff’s department. The couple was separated at the time.

PSST! TRADE YA SOME GOAT FOR A ROCK
Four Connellsville, Pa., men ended up behind bars after they allegedly stole and butchered a goat so they could trade it for crack cocaine. Two of the men, police said, stole and killed the 4-year-old pygmy goat and then took it to another residence where two more men skinned and butchered the animal.

40 GOATS FOR CHELSEA CLINTON. DO I HEAR 50?
Kenyan councilman Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter’s hand in marriage five years ago. He’s still awaiting an answer.

HEY! WHATCHA LOOKING AT?
A Pittston, Maine, man arrested after he was found peering at a teenage girl from the business end of a New Hampshire rest-stop privy has pleaded no contest to criminal trespass. Gary J. Moody was given a 30-day sentence that will be suspended if he maintains good behavior for two years. The judge cited Moody’s public humiliation from the ensuing publicity in not jailing him.

HOOD? WHAT HOOD? WE DON’T SEE NOTHING
Two Cedar Rapids, Iowa, men landed in jail after they continued driving on Interstate 380 when the hood of their car popped open and covered their windshield. Instead of stopping to fix the problem, the men stuck their heads out the windows so they could see and kept going. Two Linn County deputies took note and pulled them over.

ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF SMOKING
A man riding in a car on Arkansas 234 near the Oklahoma border didn’t go to jail following a long night of drinking. But he did go to a hospital after jumping from the vehicle in an effort to retrieve his lit cigarette. Jeff Foran was recovering after leaping from the car and landing hard on the roadway in a failed bid to grab the butt, state police said. “If anything could make him stop smoking, this should be it,” said Trooper Jamie Graver.

MAMA MIA! ALL SHE WANTED WAS SOME PIZZA
An 86-year-old Charlotte, N.C., woman spent two nights in the city lockup after police said she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in a little more than 30 minutes to complain about service at a pizza parlor. Dorothy Densmore told dispatchers the shop refused to deliver a pie to her apartment. Densmore wanted the workers arrested. Instead, police arrested her.

NEVER WHEN MARRIED
Authorities in Wisconsin pinched a 63-year-old man who allegedly had a fondness for calves. Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, reportedly told police he stopped at a Greenwood farm “at least 50 times” to have sex with calves there. The man, however, told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife.

HONEY, I’M HOT FOR YOU
A 38-year-old Oregon man wearing a gasoline-soaked cape set himself on fire before getting down on one knee and asking his longtime girlfriend to marry him. About 100 people gathered to watch Todd Grannis perform the flaming stunt for Malissa Kusiek, who said “yes.”

SHOOT. HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY
In Muscatine, Iowa, Dean L. Wooten was fired for greeting Wal-Mart customers with a computer-generated photo in which he appeared to be naked — except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag. Wooten reportedly told customers the store was cutting costs and the bag was the company’s new uniform. A supervisor told him to stop showing the photo after customers complained. He was canned when he displayed the photo again.

AIN’T FUNNY TO THIS BUNNY
The Easter Bunny wasn’t laughing this year. Bryan Johnson, who portrayed the holiday rabbit at a mall in Bay City, Mich., says he was pummeled in an unprovoked attack by a 12-year-old boy. “He just started hitting,” Johnson said. Johnson suffered a bloody nose but kept his cool because he figured it was inappropriate for the Easter Bunny to battle back.