New People

Since Matt has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth and I haven’t had as much time to devote to this place as I’d like, I’ve decided to add a new writer to the mix. Some of you will probably know her from the comment boards and I’m sure that a few of you will recognize her as one of the people who used to send me rants to post. You might even recognize her from her stint on
Salty Ham,
where she wrote a great column that a lot of people liked, including me. So please welcome Carin to The Comet. She’s got lots of great ideas floating around in her brain and hopefully she’s got the time to share them with all of us. I’m looking forward to reading what she comes up with and I hope you will too. If nothing else her being here will give you a break from reading my stupid crap all the time. Welcome to Vomit Comet Carin, it’s nice to have you around officially.

Still Want That Flu-shot?

One of our loyal Vomiteers, Brad, pointed this story out to me. HEALTH CAMPAIGN MAKES ‘L’ OF A MISTAKE

I thought they gave you those shots in your arm. Now I’m definitely not getting one.

An embarrassing spelling mistake has caused Nova Scotia’s Health Department to recall thousands of pins meant to support the annual flu-shot campaign.
The letter “L” was omitted from the word “public” on pins given out to health-care workers.
The pins are attributed to the “Office of Health Promotion and Pubic Health Services.”

Things I’ve Been Thinking About

I don’t understand sports fans who riot when their team wins. What sense does that make? When they lose that’s different, I can almost see where they’re coming from there. Although, any adult who’s not a part of the losing team but still takes things that seriously probably has some separate issues of his own that he should look into. But forget about that, for our purposes here it makes some sense that emotions would run high for fans watching their team’s quest for the championship come to a negative end and it also makes sense, knowing that some people are prone to act out with raw emotion when that happens, that riots are possible. You’re frustrated, you’re angry, you’re sad, you’re a whole range of emotions and sometimes that can be hard to handle so it’s not impossible to think that somebody could say to a group of people, “I’m so fucking mad right now that I’m going to turn over a few cars, set some stuff on fire and maybe loot a few buildings. Who’s with me?” But when you win, it’s a celebration! Things went your way! You’re happy, you’re excited, you’re pleased, you’re a whole range of emotions and given that those emotions are different, it doesn’t make all that much sense to think that a guy could say to a group of people, “I’m so happy right now that I’m going to go out and turn over a few cars, set some stuff on fire and maybe loot a few buildings because I’m proud of my city and my team. Who’s with me?”

Am I the only one who finds it ironic not to mention highly amusing when I hear that organizations for the blind are holding focus groups?

The expression “odd jobs” bothers me. I think it’s because of the way people use it to describe ordinary things. Cutting your lawn or shoveling your driveway aren’t odd jobs because everybody does that. You see it all the time. Getting paid to sort dryer lint into coloured piles on the other hand, that’s an odd job.

I got myself one of those Ikea credit cards a little while ago, but I can’t figure out how to put it together.

I saw a report on the news a while ago that talked about a new school in California exclusively for overweight kids. Hold on, that’s not the joke. In addition to teaching students all of the usual skills such as reading and writing, they will also learn how to count calories at meal times as well as take walks every morning. No, that’s not the joke either. During the report a guy came on and said that the school would be a positive environment for students because they wouldn’t have to worry about being made fun of. Ok, whatever. There are a couple of ways we can look at this. First, allow me to play the voice of experience for a second, and not because I’m fat. I spent pretty much all of my elementary and high school life in a school for blind people. And while we may not have spent a lot of time making fun of each other for being blind [and that’s not to say that we didn’t spend any time on that], we quickly found other reasons to insult each other. It’s human nature. Put a bunch of people with commonalities together and they’ll turn on one another anyway by exploiting each other’s differences. But the ribbing they’ll get from each other will be nothing compared to what they’ll get from the kids who go to the regular schools once they figure out that Jimmy from down the street goes to Fat Fuck High, which will happen around the same time as they see him getting on the school bus with the forklift on the front of it. And if anybody has a problem with that joke and wants to beat the hell out of me, catch me, fat ass, catch me.

I Guess I Won’t Be Having Any Fucking Kids

New research by Russian scientists has found that people who swear should probably consider stopping or risk facing problems down the road.

Gennady Cheurin, who lead the team of scientists that conducted the study at the Yekaterinburg Centre for Ecological Safety and Survival says that when men and women swear, it effects who they are as a gender. More specifically, it causes women to slowly become more masculine, growing more hair and developing more muscles as time passes while men risk suffering sexual disfunction. Make that immediate sexual disfunction, since the word “slow” isn’t used to describe what happens to us.

If you’re freaking the hell out right now and want to learn more about what could be in your future,
just click on this goddamn link for all of the details.

Site Changes

Well, I’m starting to get everything fixed up around here as you’ve probably noticed by the fact that I can actually make proper links again. And the problem? It was actually somewhat my fault so all that stuff I said on Sunday, while the basic idea still stands, just forget it.

I’ve also been doing a little bit of playing with the archives and the links, adding some new things, getting rid of some others, just generally changing the look of things now that I actually have the power to do more than just write.

But with any changes come the inevitable problems and that’s where you come in, especially you people with eyes that work. If anything looks funny [especially in the links section, please let me know. It all looks normal to me but if the spacing looks funny or something isn’t displaying right visually, I’m not going to know that without you.

I think that’s everything for now.

This One Cracked Me Up

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but Iwas more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son.”

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, “Pinocchio?”