When You Absolutely, Positively Have To Fall Asleep Right Now

Greg just pointed me in the direction of what could easily be the most boring thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Golf. But not just any golf, we’re talking about golf that’s being broadcast on the radio.

Seriously, if you click here, you can listen to Masters Radio, hosted by guys who make watching paint dry sound like a dandy night on the town.

Your hosts are some British guy who talks about nothing for as long as he possibly can before throwing it to a not British guy who is talking so quietly that you can’t hear a goddamn word he says, and who seems to be so hard up for action to call that he’s perfectly willing to spend 4 minutes talking about a shot that Tiger Woods is almost but not quite ready to make.

And as if that weren’t bad enough, when they throw it to a commercial break, the internet audience is treated to some other lame guy in the broadcast centre who’s job it is to review everything we just heard about in the dullest way possible until the other guys get back from the can or the food wagon, or wherever boring guys go when they have a few minutes to kill. Maybe they just stand there talking to one another about what’s happening, who knows?

But whatever the case, I challenge all of you to try to listen to this stuff for more than 5 minutes. It’s harder than it sounds, trust me.

Ok, I’m Officially Creeped Out

I’ve seen a lot of crazy and disgusting things in my time, but I think
this
is right up near the top.

You’d think that with a title like “Natural Harvest Cooking: An inspirational collection of semen based recipes,” that “Cooking With Cum – The Book!” couldn’t possibly be for real. Well at least that’s what I thought until I looked it up and couldn’t find anything saying that it wasn’t. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough or something but the serious references I found to it in other places kind of frightened me into not doing any further investigating.

I dare you to click the link and read what they have to say, even though part of their site is gone because of some bandwidth problems. What they left up pretty much explains what’s going on there.

And if any of you get the urge so to speak, feel free to email them and ask what’s so inspirational about spunking on a bran muffin.

The Incredible Popeman

Here’s proof that all of the best drugs really do come from Colombia. the Pope is going to be starring in his own comic book series. Entitled “Incredible Popeman,” the comics will feature the late JP 2.0 fighting against evil, decked out in his anti-devil cape and special chastity pants, which I’m guessing he wears to protect himself from the advances of any other super hero clergy he might meet along the way.

Along with the comics, Popeman’s creators also have action figures in the works.

You can
click here
to check this out for yourselves. Just remember that these people are probably going to hell because laughing at the Pope most likely isn’t cool yet according to the rules set forth by people without a sense of humour.

Something You Don’t See Every Day

I don’t know how bizarre anyone else will think this is, but I thought it was pretty weird. I had to go to an ophthalmologist, yes, I found one that wasn’t for dogs, and he was even in this city, wow! Anyway, I came in and went to the secretary. She asked me the usual questions, and asked for my health card. She took it, and started to type…on a typewriter! That’s right. Not on a computer. On a typewriter. I haven’t seen one of those in an office since…hmmm…when? A long time ago anyway. Part of me wondered if my ears were deceiving me and it was just that clunky fake typing noise that programs like ICQ make. But oh no, it was the real thing. I got to thinking, if they can’t afford a computer for the secretary, what’s the state of their eye-checking equipment? I was very glad all I needed was for him to look at me and realize that I was just about as blind as they come. Anyway, it was just something weird I was thinking about as I write the last paper ever for my degree, so I thought I’d share it.

Wrestlemania Roundtable

Tonight is WWE’s biggest show of the year, and since the Salty Ham server is actually working today, today is also the day when Roland pastes together emails that a bunch of us sent him to create a feature that has come to be known as the PPV Roundtable. And since what we’re roundtabling just so happens to be Wrestlemania, it’s only fitting that this one is also known as the
Wrestlemania 21 Roundtable.

Go have a look at who I picked for the big event tonight and feel free to agree or disagree. A bunch of other people picked too, but since they’re all going to be wrong and I’m going to win in a landslide they really don’t matter too much even though they’re good people.

Waaa Waaa Waaa

I don’t get this. Every year when it’s time to spring ahead with the clocks, I hear the classic complaint. “We lose an hour of sleep.” This is what I don’t get. Sure we lose an hour of sleep, for a little while, but what we gain is several hours of light for months! Ever heard the expression short-term pain for long-term gain? And we don’t even lose it on a weekday! For the people who have to work on Sunday, it has to suck a bit, but for the rest of us, what’s the problem? I don’t know, to me, that’s far better than the alternative. Sure we gain an hour of sleep in the fall, but it’s fucking dingy at 5 at night! And I never hear along with it…yeah but we get so much more light. It’s always concern with the sleep. Come on, are we that sleep-deprived? Maybe there’s something I’m missing, or maybe it’s because I really really hate winter, but I’ll take the loss in sleep if I get the warm weather and gain in light any day.

Stupid Commercials

I had the radio on and I heard a commercial that stopped me in my tracks. It was a commercial for some charity called Operation Eyesight. Apparently this dude feels like he’s making a difference because he’s giving money every month to them and they help prevent eye diseases in developing countries, and if he gives so much a month, it’ll pay for one eye operation to help someone see again.

Ok, the first part is cool. If they can get rid of nasty things that cause disease, that’s cool. But I hope this guy knows that eye operations are far from having a perfect success rate. Ask a lot of blind people why they’re blind, and they’ll say it’s due to a failed eye operation. And that’s in developed countries. Imagine what this charity has to contend with in developing countries. I just hope this charity is honest, and tells him about all the ones that they operated on with the help of his money and the operation failed, along with all the ones they apparently healed.

And now I sound like an ungrateful bitch. I’m not saying I’m against the charity per se. I just don’t like all the misinformation I see. This is sorta along the same line as Steve’s post about The United Way. the commercial makes everybody think, oh give a little money and some problem will go away. The last line made me laugh. It said, “Am I making a difference? Well, ask 2-year-old Mahocknabock in Bangladesh. He can see again.” I pictured it if the guy knew the real story. “Am I making a difference? Well, ask 2-year-old Mahocknabock in Bangladesh. They tried to fix his eyes, and now instead of seeing blobs, he sees nothing because his retina disintegrated when they tried to fix it.”