Faster Than A Speeding Gullet

South Yorkshire Police photos of Andrew Cross, Andrew Coy, Musfer Jabbar and Shabaz Ismail
Don’t call us late for dinner.

I imagine emptying out a gun shop is the sort of thing that would make a fella pretty hungry, but next time, maybe try holding those cravings until you and your rented car are a little further from the scene of the crime.

A gang who stole firearms from a gun shop were caught when one used his mobile phone to order a takeaway from the scene.
The four men have been jailed for their part in the raid at Hardy’s Gunsmiths in Sheffield on 3 April 2020.
Police said they were charged after a “meticulous” two-year investigation.
Andrew Cross, Andrew Coy and Shabaz Ismail, all from Sheffield, and Musfer Jabbar, of no fixed address, were sentenced at Sheffield Crown Court.
South Yorkshire Police said CCTV from the area showed Jabbar making a phone call, placing an order with a local takeaway for two lamb burger meals.
“This crucially placed them at the scene of the burglary,” a force spokesman said.

The CCTV footage also showed a distinct vehicle that turned out to have been rented by Coy.

Hopefully those lamb burgers were worth it, because they won’t be having them again any time soon.

  • Cross, 40, of Frog Walk, Sheffield, pleaded guilty to burglary, possession of firearm without a certificate and possession of a firearm when prohibited and was jailed for nine years.
  • Coy, 35, of Wood Road, Sheffield, pleaded guilty to burglary and possession of a firearm without a certificate and was jailed for five years and 10 months.
  • Ismail, 22, Glover Road, Sheffield, pleaded guilty to burglary, possession of a prohibited weapon, possession of a firearm without a certificate and other weapon and drug offences and was jailed for eight years and one month.
  • Jabbar, 22, was found guilty of burglary, possession of a firearm without a certificate and possession with intent to supply class A drugs and was jailed for nine years.

Even the shop owner had to pay a few hundred dollars in fines for not properly securing his business, so great work all around here.

Love Is Alive, By…Gwen Stefani?

I have no idea what the rest of this Judds tribute album sounds like, but the version of “Love Is Alive” that Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani did for it is shockingly good. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. It’s just that it was kind of hard for me to imagine the girl from No Doubt perfectly singing a Judds song until I heard her do it. It’s always been obvious that she’s talented, but it’s just so different from what my old, out of touch self is used to hearing from her.

Come And Get Your Shit Wrecked By A Mental Floss Quiz

Unless you’re in one of the areas that has a PA day today for reasons that no one seems to understand, happy first day of school.

I’ve talked before about the wee bit of sadness this time of year always brings, but I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned the bit of relief that also comes with it when I realize that the first day of school part doesn’t apply to me anymore. This, however, may be the closest I get to mentioning that. Based on the trivia quiz I just totally did not crush, I maybe ought to see if I can find a way to make hopping on the bus with the nephews seem not weird. I only scored 45% on the thing. Maybe you’ll have better luck. Give it a go if you want to feel smarter than someone today.

Bulldogs In The Oat Boat

A song came on the radio yesterday that made me right this down.

I admit we were standing outside the kitchen and we weren’t totally paying attention, but after we heard a certain line, we had to stop and listen.

“What did she say? ‘You’ll keep me warm until you’re burning my oat boat?'” Steve said. “That doesn’t make any sense!”

He’s right. It doesn’t, but with that mumbly voice, that’s kind of what it sounded like. It turns out it was “You’ll keep me warm until you bury my old bones,” but it will be a burning oat boat for us forever more.

But here’s a bigger point. What is up with all the singers nowadays that sound like they’re trying to do their best impression of a squishy-faced dog while singing? Or maybe it’s a kid making a weird face while singing? They all sound like their faces are scrunched up so the words can’t get out clearly. Years ago, we went through a phase where everybody sounded like they were singing in a paint shaker. But now we have squishy-faced dog kids. This song sounds like it should be very nice, but I can’t get past the squishy-faced kid mumble.

Now that I say that, I should be able to slather this post in examples to prove my point…but specific ones won’t come…except for Miss Oat Boat up there. Wait…there is this one.

All I know is that we often turn on the radio and yell “squishy-face” at each other when we hear the singing start.

All Is Well At The Animal Prison

I have breaking news, everyone. The orangutan that got out of its enclosure at the Toronto Zoo this week did not escape. It merely “accessed an area just outside of its habitat.”

Phew! That was close!

The oddest part about that sentence is that there were no quotes around it until I put them there, which means a reporter and editor made a conscious choice to write something that sounds like it came straight out of a public relations handbook.

It reminds me of a time back in school when a kid nearly drowned in the swimming pool. It was pretty serious, but you wouldn’t know that based on the assembly that was called to discuss it. While there, we were told that the boy had swallowed some water and was helped out of the pool. Technically correct I suppose, but if the goal was to get us to take water safety seriously, you probably should have mentioned the part where he was rescued unresponsive from the bottom. Softening the language like that was extremely unhelpful, and there were lots of people after the fact joking about it. Most of those people were kids, who are often much smarter than adults give them credit for being.

My point here is please, stop complicating everything. If something is simple, it’s simple. The more words you use, the more suspicious we get. That’s exactly what happened with the kid in the pool. When they weren’t joking about it, people were busy wondering what might be getting covered up. That’s not what you want.

I don’t know if I’ve posted this George Carlin bit before, but even if I have, I think we need it again. It’s as relevant now as it was in the 80s.

How Did They Keep It To 20?

A little while back, we were out to dinner with some people and unfortunately the conversation somehow turned to Trump.

“The nicest thing that I can say about Donald Trump is that he’s a complete buffoon,” I recall telling the group at one point. “It’s all down hill from there.”

Things like this are why I say that. The man, in addition to being a dangerous lunatic, has a good understanding of literally nothing.

I understand why number one is what it is, but if it were up to me cows should have to use ladders to climb over the border wall would be a solid 1A. Burying it down at 16 is a god damned injustice.

Oh, and just to answer my question from up in the title, they didn’t. not even close.

Audio Of CHML Signing Off

I’m a little surprised we got this given how abruptly things ended, but this is audio of the final newscasts and promos from the day CHML died, capped off by the pulling of the plug.

I don’t know what happened at 10 o’clock. Was it technical problems or did we throw to the news while the people who were supposed to be delivering it were in the midst of finding out they were about to be unemployed? We may never know, but it’s some eerie listening in hindsight.

This video contains the final complete radio newscasts at 9 AM and 9:30 AM on CHML, and its official (brief) sign-off.

0:00 – Station ID & final hourly newscast (9 AM ET)
4:16 – Traffic/weather check (9:05 AM ET)
5:16 – Station ID & final news brief (9:30 AM ET)
7:07 – Final traffic/weather check (9:32 AM ET)
8:04 – Throw to network programming (9:33 AM ET)
8:34 – Station ID, news beds with no local announcers (10:00 AM ET)
10:57 – final promos, commercials, station ID, and final sign-off