Whshhhoooh . . . White Lightnin’

I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is that makes
this story
so great. It could be a drunken man trying to shoplift a box of “giant red hot pickled sausages” from a grocery store at 3 AM while at the same time deciding to pay for a couple boxes of beer. it could be that when he was caught and asked to leave, he used a Krispy Kreme truck as his getaway vehicle. It could be the police giving chase while doughnuts flew from the back of said truck. Or it could simply be that there is a man walking this earth named Warren G. Whitelightning. I’m not sure which it is, but in any case, I’m sold.

She’s Havin’ MyBaby

I’ve seen firsthand how crazy new parents can be, but I can’t think of any I’ve met who would be neurotic enough to shell out money for the crap featured on
this list of the most ridiculous baby products of the year.
Fake hands? A crying analyzer? Knee pads so the little guy doesn’t hurt himself learning how to crawl? They’re all here, along side stuff that might well be even dumber.

#1 – Zaky Pillow

This is a set of fake hands that lays against your newborn to trick her into thinking that it’s you. It’s almost too creepy for words. And wrong. So very wrong. Even the description is creepy: “Leave a hand with your child!” We’d like to see the studies of these poor babies 10 years from now who found out their loving parents were really disembodied mummy hands…

#10 – Pee Pee Teepee

Yes, we’ve all been peed on by our baby boys once or twice, but a fabric cone to set over their wee wee just in case? How long is it taking to change that diaper, and how long is he exposed that you really need a cover? And, p.s., we’ve seen the stream of pee in action. It’s a large, large, arc that can shoot halfway around the room. You’re telling us that much force against a tiny fabric cone won’t A) shoot the cone around the room with the pee, or B) reflect the pee back at the baby himself. Yeah, we’re not buying it. Literally. We’re not buying it.

Click above for the full list, complete with pictures.

It’s About Time

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

McGowan claimed that one of the main reasons the movement enjoyed so little success in the past was that the previous management was often too timid and passive and should have been much more results-focused.
“You can’t waste time pussyfooting around with protests and getting all emotional about a bunch of irrelevant details,” McGowan said. “If you want to enjoy equal rights, you have to have a real man-to-man chat with the people in charge until you can hammer out some more equitable custody laws.”
“And don’t get me started on how disorganized and scatterbrained their old fundraising methods were,” McGowan added. “Let’s just say the movement never really had a head for numbers.”

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Sometimes It’s Ok Not To Worry About The Try Try Again Part

Today, like most days anymore, appears to be stupid day.

Earlier I
wrote
about a guy who got his shit fucked up by some pansies from Utah, and now, not even an hour later, there’s something that might give that story a run for its money.

A Michigan burglar was surprised to find that a house he had entered was occupied by a man who had just returned from a hunting trip. Seeing that the man wasn’t the type to just let some guy take his stuff and that there were in fact guns around [in particular the 12-gauge he was holding at the time], the perp wisely made an excuse about being in the wrong apartment and ran for his life, with gun-toting homeowner in hot pursuit. Moments later however, the thief, apparently feeling embarrassed by the encounter and far from content with having escaped, returned and told the man that he now had a gun and was going to kill him. The 2 wrestled over the weapon, causing it to discharge twice, the second bullet hitting the jackass in the leg, a leg that doctors say he
may end up losing.

All that’s left to say, unless any of you can think of something, is hahahahahahahahahaha!

My Gang Can Beat Up Your Gang

I shouldn’t have to tell any of you this, but if you ever find yourself tempted to question the toughness of an area’s street gangs compared to that of the ones where you’re from, just don’t. Failure to heed this seemingly obvious warning is likely to land you in the same place as an unidentified man from either Texas or California [the police aren’t sure], that being a local hospital.

The man reportedly got into an argument outside a house near 1300 South and 1300 West over who had the toughest gangs, he said. The man said something to the effect that he didn’t believe Utah gang members were as tough as those in other states, Wihongi said.

Apparently the group took offense and wanted to demonstrate their toughness, as the man was “assaulted en masse,” according to a Salt Lake City police report. One shot also was fired during the beating, but no one was hit, Wihongi said.

The man fled into a neighboring house, entering through the back door of the unsuspecting residents. Police were called and found the man bleeding and crying inside a bathtub. He was taken by ambulance to a hospital to be treated for multiple blunt trauma injuries, including one on his head that was bleeding, Wihongi said.

This Bank Will Self-Destruct In Five Days.

Wow. Toy manufacturer Tomy has invented a piggy-bank to be released in Japan that, if you don’t top it up, will explode, sending your coins everywhere. Then, as you’re gathering up your coins, you are supposed to reflect on your laziness and inability to save. And get ready for this, it’s called “the savings bomb.”

It must be a culture thing, because I don’t think I’d go and buy something which I knew would puke up all my pennies if I didn’t religiously put stuff in it. What a weird thought.

USBlasphemy

This list of potentially offensive Christmas gifts is just funny. Christ on a motorbike? A toaster that stamps your bread with the Virgin Mary? A nativity scene including the Israeli security fense, complete with the wise men on the wrong side? Teddie-bear urns? But this is the reason it grabbed my attention. They have a virgin Mary memory stick so Mary can hold onto your computer files. Yee ha, more USB goodness. Have a look around and a good chuckle.

Was Everyone at Hershey On Drugs?

Yeah, this sounds like a great idea. Hershey has decided to put out a candy that looks remarkably like nickel bags of drugs. What could possibly go wrong? Hmmm. Let’s see. People could get wrongfully arrested for eating candy. Kids could accidentally get a hold of bags of drugs and swallow their contents thinking they’re candy. So what if the candy has the company’s logo on it. Ever heard of a counterfeit? Now, they’ve created a way for dealers to try and sneak drugs past police. Just brilliant. What were they thinking?