Karen Solves her Problems with a Chainsaw!

Ok, it’s weird dream time again. I had this weird dream the night before last, but I didn’t get a chance to put it up yesterday. Where the hell did this come from?

I dreamed I was down to see Barbie, and I was in her room. Then, she went somewhere and in walked her room-mate Karen. Karen and I were sitting and talking and Karen was telling me she was fascinated with brains. I didn’t think much of it, said I went to school for psych and the brain is fascinating. We talked a while longer and then she said, “Wanna see something scary and neat?” I said sure. She left for a second, and came back with a chainsaw! She started it up and came after me with it! Completely dumbfounded, I asked her why she was after me with a chainsaw, shielding myself with tables, chairs, whatever I could. She just said, “You asked to see something scary.” I tried to run for the door, but she was there first with the chainsaw. I ran the other way, and huddled under Barbie’s desk. She stood over me, slowly cutting through the desk with the blades. It was then that she explained that she wanted my brain. She said she was going to make a copy of it and put it in a robot. She said she would carefully cut through my skull so as not to damage my brain and take it. It seemed there was nowhere to go, the blades were getting closer to my head and there was nothing I could do. Then, I woke up!

What in hell was that? Karen is the last person I’d see wielding a chainsaw. Was that the message? Expect the unexpected? Or was there a message?

Then last night I dreamed Barbie was mad at me for dreaming that. Wow, a sequel to a dream! At least she didn’t whip out a chainsaw too.

Say Hello to an Angry Customer!

God! Damn! It! Do they not think I know that fucking rogers fucking home fucking phone exists? Do they not plaster my TV with that spoiled little brat who has to talk to three people at once, that father who spoils that spoiled brat rotten, that grandma who sounds like a man, and whoever else they can dream up and then make you want to kill them as much as the Canadian Tire family? Oh that is not enough for Rogers executives. Now, they have decided that phoning me twice a day to tell me about Rogers Home Phone is absolutely positively necessary. And, they have decided to *fill* my mailbox with their junkmail. My junk mail over the past week has consisted of pizza fliars, Rogers Home Phone ads, municipal election material, Rogers Home Phone ads, random environmental literature, which cracks me up, and, Rogers Home Phone ads!

But this, in fact, is not enough for these fuckers. Now, they have employed, or otherwise commissioned, a dude to walk around our building slipping more Rogers Home Phone ads through our door. But our special friend here cannot grasp the concept that there is a mail slot in the door, so he slipped the ads through the crack in the door closest to the doorknob. Gaaaaaaa! Enough!

Rogers! You can stop this barrage immediately! Is it not enough that I already have cable, internet, and wireless services with you price-gouging, monopolizing, rate-raising sacks of shit? Do you honestly think I’m going to have phone service with you guys too? If there were better options, and the startup fees didn’t suck, I’d switch everything I had away from you assholes just to teach you a goddamn lesson!

Thought Avalanche!

This monster of a post has been building for a while, and there’s so many different things I want to say that I’m afraid it might get away from me. So try and stay ahead of the thought avalanch if you can! Now that I’ve said that, whatever I could produce will look like nothing at all.

I got thinking the other day about that old song “A Boy Named Sue” by Johnny Cash, and a strange thought entered my head. With the direction names are going, based on the names we have nowadays, that song won’t make any sense anymore! Who knows, we could have a bunch of boys named Sue and people would go, “So he was named Sue! What’s the big deal?” I mean look at all the unisex names out there now. Don’t even get me started on Kyle! This led me to some other strange thoughts. Does anyone remember that Raffi song called Willoughby Wallaby woo where they use a whole bunch of kids’ names, so it would go something like willoughby wallaby warin, an elephant sat on Carin, and willoughby wallaby weve, an elephant sat on Steve? Well with the names we’re getting into now, it’ll never be the same. We’ll have to sing things like willoughby wallaby warter, an elephant sat on Carter, and wiloughby wallaby wuri, and elephant sat on Suri. The names people are coming up with for their kids.

I ended up down another path of thinking about things that will lose their meaning as time goes on. For some odd reason, Steve and I got talking about Sesame Street and Hooper’s General Store, which got me thinking about how no one will know what a general store is. They’ll hear general store and think, “So Hooper had a Walmart?” They won’t get that whole idea of community that came with the idea of a general store. Man our world is getting sad.

Speaking of old things getting lost, I have a weird question for anyone who might know the answer. Anyone who knows me personally will know that my dad can be a weird man. He’s very smart and he has a memory for quotes and famous sayings and song lyrics like no one else. Note I didn’t say he has a good memory. He can only remember small pieces of them, enough to heighten your interest, and then he can’t remember the rest and then he just repeats that piece on an infinite loop. Over the years, I’ve found out the roots to a few of those infinite loops, and have realized that no, dad isn’t crazy, he got these gems from somewhere. But there is one loop that still puzzles me. Often times, dad would randomly sing, “And there was grandma, swingin’ on the outhouse door, without her nighty, with grandpa yellin’ more more more.” Where in the good christ is that from? I’ve punched it into google, and I think there’s some reference to it being in a swing song, but that’s all I can find. Please, someone, solve this mystery for me. I might have to break down and ask dad before it disappears forever!

Some people should just realize that maybe they’re not meant for certain jobs. Like, men who can’t say temperature and insist on saying it like “tempature” should realize that announcing is not their thing. Same goes for the guy who says pokerroom.tv like pokeroo.tv. Say the m! Maybe they should go check their addict for ass-pest-tose. Come on people, you are being paid to speak, presumably clearly, and some people are modeling their speech after you!

Maybe it’s guys like that that made me go get my hearing tested, where I learned a disturbing fact. Did you know that, when you’re an embryo, the same type of cells that make up your kidneys go to form your ears? That’s what the audiologist says, so who am I to question? Makes ya wonder what’s in your ear wax!

Am I the only one who thought, as a kid, that Buddy Holly had a horrible case of the hickups? I kept thinking, “come on dude, get a glass of water or something!”

Every day I find more and more examples of people with enormous gall. I’ve already complained about nosey people so I won’t go into that. But people are always finding new and exciting ways to show that they have big balls. One lady walked up to me and decided that she was going to walk with me to the drugstore where I was going, which was ok. Then she said to me, “You’re so young and pretty, what a waste that you’re blind.” Um, what? I wish I had had the guts to say to her, “I beg your pardon? What makes me such a waste?” But I just waited for her to disappear. Sometimes I wish I had more guts.

Then another woman, after I held the elevator for her because she had a shopping cart, just flat out asked me, “so are you working?” Come on! Most people, when they find themselves with strangers in an elevator, find it brave to talk about the weather, let alone ask each other what their source of income is. Like, where does she get off, besides the fourth floor? Would she ask anyone else that question out of the blue like that? Again, I wish I’d been quicker on my feet and said, “No, but are you offering?” Ah, so many missed opportunities.

I saw the strangest thing in the grocery store. It really speaks to our laziness. I was walking through the grocery store with one of the girls who works there. When we got to a shelf full of toothpaste and shampoo, she said, “Wait a minute. I don’t think this half-drunk milkshake belongs here.” Then she took it a couple aisles over and through it in the trash. I asked her if she finds half-finished milkshakes around the store a lot, since she didn’t seem too shocked by this occurrence, and she said yes! Ok, the only reasonable scenario I can see for that is if you have kids, you set it down so you can fish something out of the other stuff, then your kids distract you and you accidentally leave it behind. But this shouldn’t be happening all the time. Do they think the people who stock shelves should clean up after their lazy asses too? The garbage can wasn’t that far away! Just take it there and be done with it!

And with that, I think I’m out of ideas, and I don’t know if that avalanch could bury a baby. Hope you enjoyed the ride.

What the Fuck Department, You Have Your Work Cut Out For You!

Um…um…I don’t know what to say. *falls off chair onto flor, reaches up and hits paste.*

When Colt Langstaff returned to his home in Cool, California, on Monday, the first thing he noticed was that his garden fence had been knocked down, there was an unfamiliar pickup truck parked on his drive, and his personal belongings were scattered over his lawn.

The second thing he noticed was the naked man wrapped only in a sheet coming out of his backdoor. The naked gentleman asked Langstaff what he was doing there. Langstaff pointed out that it was his home, at which point the naked man ran away.

It was at that point that things began to get really strange.

The Mountain Democrat (‘California’s oldest newspaper’) gives some details from the police report, following the eventual arrest of the naked man, identified as Terence Michael Dean, 37. It is a tribute to what went on that day that the fact its protagonist is called Colt Langstaff and lives in a town called Cool is by far the most boring thing about this story (which we sincerely hope is true).

After the naked sheet guy fled, Langstaff went into his house to discover that all the taps were running, causing a small flood. Why were the taps running? It’s unclear, but it was possibly something to do with the many packages of meat that Langstaff found lying in the sink and bath.

It was just after Langstaff noticed the bathroom meat that the police arrived.

Several other features of the crime scene immediately called attention to themselves. The trails of potting soil were one element. The first soil trail led to the front door, where a rudimentary shrine had been created, featuring a statue of the Bhudda on top of a bongo drum. The second trail of soil led to the suspect’s truck.

The origin of the soil was quickly traced by the detectives to around 100 houseplants that had been ripped from their pots, and placed near the truck. The truck was also observed to contain a considerable amount of Langstaff’s property, notably his toaster, some pictures, and of course a number of empty potting soil bags.

Now, at this point, readers familiar with this type of crime will probably be asking themselves, ‘hey, shouldn’t there be teddy bears on plant stands as well?’ You will be relieved to know that no fewer than three plant stands holding teddy bears were also discovered in the vicinity of the truck.

Inside the house, the lit candles in the living room were perhaps less impressive than the contents of the kitchen – namely some burned matches, a bowl of unpopped popcorn, a bowl of water with Langstaff’s car keys in it, and paper note floating in a cup of water that read ‘I love Cherry.’

At this point, the sheriff’s deputies were told that a naked man had introduced himself to one of Langstaff’s neighbours, asking to be taken to a hospital. Upon arriving at the neighbour’s residence, they identified a naked man wrapped in a towel and smoking a cigarette as the likely suspect, and arrested him.

Reassuringly, Dean has now been released on $25,000 bail.

*scratches head that they let him out, gets up from floor and hits publish.*

To Make a Long Story Short….You Shouldn’t!

I’ve always hated the fact that finding unabridged audiobooks is like looking for a needle in a haystack. What really pisses me off is they don’t always say they’re abridged, you pay an arm and a leg for them, and after you’re done reading the book, you listen to the credits and the dreaded words are spoken. “abridgement by so and so.”

I always wondered what in Christ they were cutting out, but I thought well I must be getting the gist of the story. But one particularly bad abridgement made me realize that I can barely call it even that.

I got the short version of the Da Vinci code for Christmas. I read it and thought, well it’s sort of controversial, but it’s nothing that should really upset anyone. But I should have known something was wrong when the copy I had was 4 CD’s long, and I found out the unabridged version was 13 CD’s long. Um, by my calculations, that means the abridged version was a little under a third of the story!

I just got my hands on the unabridged version, and holy crap! There’s a lot more there, and the story actually makes sense! The abridged version never explained why Silas was so, well, crazily obsessed with doing God’s work, how truly manipulative Leigh Teabing was, it left out a lot of the references to the oppression of women that are in the book, and a ton of the controversial and really deep stuff. It also left out what makes last year’s lawsuit completely and utterly ridiculous. Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”, claim that Dan Brown stole ideas from their book to make his own novel and never gave them credit. Before I read the unabridged version, I was right behind them. Now that I got the whole story, I’ve got one problem, assholes. The name of your fucking book is planted squarely in the damn novel! Even the year it is written is also mentioned, and does anyone notice that Leigh and Teabing looks eerily like Leigh and Baigent? It’s an annagram, which I think is pretty awesome credit considering that annagrams are written throughout the book. Even the authors noticed that little gem, but failed to see it as,um, credit. Dan Brown never claimed in the novel that this was his idea. He clearly mentions several times that historians have been saying this for years. So these two can shut up and be thankful their book was even mentioned in a novel. it’s not often that references are found in fiction. I’m glad the judge agrees with me, although I pity how far he would have had to sift to find that little passage.

What makes me sad is some books, when they are converted to audio don’t get made into the abridged and unabridged form. All you get is the short version, and some of these don’t even make it into the CNIB library so I can have a crack at getting an unabridged version there. So, unless I want to get the print copy, scan it and hope that I can get an intelligible scan, the quick and dirty abridged audio is all I’ll be able to read. Ahem, audiobook publishers, maybe, if you’re going to give me a third of the story, you should charge a third of the price! Otherwise, you’re ripping me off!

Cool is the homepage of introduce the sounds of farts."

I’ve spent far too long looking at
this website,
but if you go there, and you should, I’m sure you’ll totally understand.

While you’re there, be sure to check out
theFart stories,
where you can read such touching anecdotes as The Fart Bottle and Farts and Dogs among others,
and
the Fart techniques,
where you will learn such valuable skills as how to make someone listen to your fart, the best way to fart in a person’s face, and of course, “the techniques of continue to fart almost endlessly.” Hint: “open your ass.”

If you’re wondering why all of those quotes look so strange, that’s the best part. This site was created by a couple of Japanese people, and it consists of some of the finest broken English I’ve seen in quite some time.

By the way, if you like what you see here, why not pick up a charm. They ward off evil in Japan, they’re only $5, and each one is
“hnad made.”
How can you go wrong?

In closing, never forget the 3 secrets of living happy and healthy:
“Eat a lot!
Fart a lot!
Produce a lot!”

I couldn’t agree more.

You Are Here?

It seems like I say this every time I start one of these things, but I have to say it again. It’s been way too long since we’ve done this, sorry about that. It’s also been way too long since I’ve done pretty much anything around here, so sorry about that too, unless you hate me of course, in which case I respectfully invite you to go suck a dick. But before you head off in search of a heaping mouthful of wedding tackle, don’t forget to take a second to thank Carin for keeping things going around here while I’ve been downed by the worst cold ever and while Matt’s been off sleeping with zoo animals or whatever it is he does now. Great job Carin, I have no idea what we’d do without you.

Anywho, enough of that. We’re here to make fun of people who may or may not be our readers, so why waste any more time than we absolutely have to?

14 May, Sun, 19:37:58
MSN Search:
Strap-on Disabled Sex

Am I the only one with a vision in my head of somebody walking down the street with a gyrating backpack full of paraplegics over his shoulders? What’s that? I am? Ok then, let’s move on, that was getting a little weird anyway.

14 May, Sun, 19:56:25
MSN Search:
does john cena do his own laundry?

I have no idea, but I’d be surprised if with a schedule such as his he would have time to iron his own shirts. That will be funny to exactly 2 people, those people being me and Carin. But if you’re going to get upset about inside jokes here, you just haven’t been paying attention.

06 Nov, Mon, 18:10:09
Google:
Mickie James sphincter

That shouldn’t be too hard to find, since according to this entry on Wikipedia she has at least 42 of them, as do the rest of us.

06 Nov, Mon, 20:14:02
Google:
Mickie James sphincter pictures

My guess is they’re probably hiding out with those pictures of Randy Orton’s penis that everybody keeps looking for.

01 Nov, Wed, 07:43:19
MSN Search:
CAN BAD MILK MAKE YOUR VOMIT

Can bad milk make your vomit what? Appear? Sing? Dance? Produce the complete works of Shakespeare like those typing monkeys from that old saying? Do a body good? I can’t possibly answer the question if you don’t finish asking it. Sure I know almost everything, but even I have my limits.

17 Jun, Sat, 23:20:28
Yahoo:
ABILITY TO BLOW NOSE IN CHILDREN

If you can catch one, you probably have the ability to do it.

29 Oct, Sun, 01:28:28
Yahoo:
copulating midgets

I think it’s great that you used a big word like copulating, since you know how sophisticated those midget porn sites can be sometimes.

07 Jul, Fri, 12:42:23
MSN Search:
are urinals really necessary?

At first I laughed at this, but once I stopped and thought about it a little more I came to realize that it’s actually a matter of perspective and that more than likely in some circles it would be considered a serious philosophical question. Then I thought, why not take a poll? Comments have been sort of slow around here lately, and if I’ve learned anything from this site over the years, it’s that 99 times out of 100 it’s this sort of thing that gets you people talking.

24 Jun, Sat, 16:09:00
Yahoo:
how labeling students affect their ability to laern

I’m not sure whether it does or it doesn’t, but something tells me that the person we’re dealing with here is more than likely a really solid argument for one side or the other.

12 Jul, Wed, 14:55:25
Yahoo:
giant black dickheads

I’m thinking that this search is too general for you to find much of anything. Perhaps try narrowing it by using terms such as Mike Tyson or Al Sharpton, that may help.

Ok, that’s all there is. I’ll be back later with something else I’m sure, but in the meantime, if anybody’s looking for me, I’ll be off hiding from Mike Tyson.

What’s So Wacky About That?

I just read this article about some of the so-called “zany” private members’ bills that various members of parliament are hoping to have passed into law.

I’ll admit that some of them are kind of goofy and out there, like Bill c-321, which would designate the third Friday of every February National Hockey Day, or Bill c-346, which would make it legal to use vitamins as a tax write-off.

But hidden amongst silliness like clasifying dog and cat fur as hazardous material are a couple of proposals that make quite a bit of sense.

For example, why shouldn’t we throw people in jail for killing or injuring police animals? We throw people in jail for killing or injuring police men and women all the time, and those animals are just as much members of the force as they are. Besides, the kind of specialized training required in order to use those animals doesn’t come cheap, so it only makes sense to make those guilty of taking the life of an officer pay for the crime.

And the idea of fining people $500 for using a cell phone while driving, is that really such a bad thing? That’s $500 the first time, a second offence would cost you $2000 or net you up to 6 months in jail.

Personally, I think a law like that one is way past due. A lot of people have trouble driving when they’re not using the phone, and I don’t care what anybody says, people do get distracted when they use them, I’ve seen it for myself many times. The only thing that makes this law sound in any way over the top is that we aren’t that tough on drunk driving in this country. But maybe that’s something else somebody ought to take a look at including in one of those pointless private members’ bills sometime soon. The Tom Brodbecks of the world may laugh about it, but it might just help make the world a bit more of a safer place.

It’s Official: We’re Doomed

NZ students to be allowed to use ‘text-speak’ in exams

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) – New Zealand’s high school students will be able to use “text-speak” – the mobile phone text message language beloved of teenagers – in national exams this year, officials said Friday.

Text-speak, a second language for thousands of teens, uses abbreviated words and phrases such as “txt” for “text”, “lol” for “laughing out loud” or “lots of love,” and “CU” for “see you.” The move has already divided students and educators who fear it could damage the English language.

New Zealand’s Qualifications Authority said that it still strongly discourages students from using anything other than full English, but that credit will be given if the answer “clearly shows the required understanding,” even if it contains text-speak.

The authority’s deputy chief executive for qualifications, Bali Haque, said students should aim to make their answers as clear as possible.

Confident that those grading papers would understand answers written in text-speak, Haque stressed that in some exams, including English – where good language use is specifically required – text abbreviations would be penalized.

Post Primary Teachers’ Association President Debbie Te Whaiti said the authority’s move reflects the classroom situation.

“Individual teachers are grappling with it (texting) every day,” she said

Teachers would have concerns if text slang became acceptable in everyday written language in classrooms, she said.

Critics said the National Certificate of Educational Achievement or NCEA, the main qualification for high school students, would be degraded by the authority allowing text speak use in exams.

The minor United Future Party said in a statement: “Untd Futr is cncernd bout da xeptnce of txt spk 2 b allwd in ritn xams 4 NCEA (United Future is concerned about the acceptance of text speak to be allowed in written exams for NCEA).”

“Skoolz r ther 2 educ8 + raze litracy 2 certn standrds (Schools are there to educate and raise literacy to certain standards),” the statement quoted United Future legislator Judy Turner as saying. “NCEA shudnt let da standrd b decidd by informl pop cultr of da time.”

High School principal Denis Pyatt said he wouldn’t encourage students to use text abbreviations in exams – but he was excited by the language development.

“I think text messaging is one of the most exciting things that has happened in a long time. It is another development in that wonderful thing we call the English language,” he said.

Internet blogger Phil Stevens was not amused by the announcement. “nzqa(New Zealand Qualifications Authority): u mst b joking,” Stevens wrote. “or r u smoking sumthg?”