Guide Dogs for the Blind, Here I Come!

Well, after stressing out about the guide dog interview, and waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I finally got the news! I’ve been accepted to Guide Dogs for the Blind! There will be no more assessments! I will once again have a puppy! The only small downer about this bit of news is I will have to wait until spring before I’ll be able to train since they don’t want to send me home in the snow. Ok, fair enough. I can take that small bit of waiting. I’ve waited long enough, what’s a little more? But I will have a doggy again! I made it!

Poop n Scoop Barbie?

I heard about the strangest Barbie accessory ever. Now, Barbie is learning how to pick up dog doodoos. Mattel has decided to create a strange pet dog for Barbie, named Tanner, that, immediately after being fed brown biscuits, shoots them out its back end, looking exactly the same as they did when they went in its mouth I might add, so she can pick them up with a magnetic pooper scooper.

At first, after I stopped laughing, I thought this was a cool idea, for every little girl who said, “I want a puppy I want a puppy I want a puppy!” Now they can have a fake puppy and still have to pick up its poop. If they consistently pick up its poop, *maybe* they can move on to a real one. Then I got thinking. Those poor little girls who get a real puppy are going to be in for a surprise when the real doggy doodoos aren’t so pleasant and easy to pick up.

I Guess This Is The Part Where I’m Supposed To Make The Joke About Him Getting Off

Charges dropped in sex aid-bomb mixup.

CHICAGO (AP) – Prosecutors dropped all charges against a man who said an airport security guard misunderstood him when she thought he said a sexual device in his backpack was really a bomb.

Mardin Amin, who appeared in court Wednesday morning, has said he actually told the female security guard at O’Hare International Airport last month a small, black object was a “pump” – as in a penis pump.

Prosecutors chose to follow the lead of the U.S. Transportation Safety Administration, which recently concluded the matter did not warrant prosecution, said Cook County state’s attorney spokesman John Gorman.

Amin, 29, an Iraq-born Skokie, Ill., resident had been charged with felony disorderly conduct and faced up to three years in prison if convicted.

His lawyer, Eileen O’Neill-Burke, did not immediately return a message Wednesday seeking comment.

She explained earlier her client was embarrassed to explain the object to the security guard in front of his mother, who was travelling with him – so he whispered. The guard misunderstood his accented English and thought he said “bomb,” O’Neill-Burke said.

The Blue Screen Of Life Sentence

The Zichuan District People’s Court in China is being criticized for using a computer program to determine sentences in more than 1500 criminal cases.

The software, which is said to be programmed to work with about 100 different types of cases, allows judges to enter details of a particular crime into the system, which then provides a sentence for the accused.

Its developers claim that the program is meant to help standardize sentencing in China, while the court’s Chief Judge feels that it is a good way to avoid abuse of power by judges due to corruption or insufficient training.

On the other side of the debate are those who feel that the computer is a stupid idea that does nothing but highlight the laziness of the court system.

Strangely, none of these people saw fit to mention that a system like this, especially in a place like China, can’t possibly do a thing to curb a corruption problem. Everybody reading this surely knows how easy it is to push a few buttons on a keyboard and instantly make a situation into something that it’s not. What’s to stop a judge from using some of that “discretionary power” that the computer hopes to take away to leave out a few details that he doesn’t really feel are all that important, embellish a few that probably aren’t to make them appear as though they are, or even worse, throw in a few that flat out don’t exist? Nothing, that’s what. And even if somebody wants to argue that records are kept, I counter that with this. We’re talking about fucking China here. They aren’t exactly known for their glimmering human rights record. If you honestly believe that a government that causes *people* to vanish from the face of the Earth on a daily basis is going to think twice about messing with a few computer files, you either work for that government, or you’re completely and utterly batshit insane. then again, I think that might be a requirement for getting a Chinese government job in the first place, so I guess there can only be one reason to be on side with a system like this.

Wow! Ontario’s Coming to its Senses!

Remember the story about identity thieves selling a person’s house right out from under the real owner? Well, finally a law is getting written to help with that. Apparently, duh, they’ve finally realized that maybe if a purchase is deemed fraudulent, maybe measures should be taken to reverse it so the real owner can have back what he never sold in the first place, and the account in the name of the fake can be revoked. What a concept! Plus, if this law goes through, they’re planning to stiffen fines. I can’t believe that, as of now, the fine for title fraud is only $1000. For what they’ve done, you can’t even call that a disinsentive! Not even a real slap on the wrist! What the hel is that?

They’re also intervening in some cases, what makes those cases worthy of intervention I don’t know. I hope the case I wrote about is one of them. The poor old guy doesn’t need to do this all on his own.

I wonder how some people get high positions of power when they don’t seem to have functioning brains. Peter Kormos of the NDP says this law isn’t enough because it doesn’t prevent forged documents from getting into the title registry. Um, laws don’t prevent forged documents from getting in, diligent officials prevent forged documents from *getting* into the registry, and victims who speak up prevent forged documents from *staying* in the registry. You can’t write that into a law. Even I know that! Wanna know something extra scary? That guy used to be the NDP’s disability critic! Weren’t we in good hands?

So the moral of the story is there is hope! Let’s hope this law goes through and is strong enough!

5th Anniversary

Well we all know what today is the anniversary of – and while I didn’t think it was appropriate to let the day go by without acknowledgement, I also, personally, feel I do not posess the words to respectfully enough voice the feelings that so many people would have on a day like this, for many of their own reasons – so I leave you with just one comment on my behalf, and will respectfully not comment further.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect.

Take Care

Was I born with a Freak Magnet on my Head?

What the hell is with my luck. It seems that more often than not, when I meet new people, they morph into outright freaks! Some take a while and do it stealthily, others waste no time about it. But it’s all the same in the end. Whatever was cool about the person has diminished, and what’s left creeps me out and won’t leave me alone!

It started very early on. My first real friend, at first, was a very shy person who wouldn’t talk much. I started talking to her and then we started playing together. She seemed pretty cool. She liked to play all kinds of games, she didn’t get frustrated if I missed the stupid ball, etc. But then. Oh then!

Next thing I knew, she wouldn’t let me see any of my other friends. She’d actually push them away. She’d get mad if I went and did anything without her. If they tried to separate us, she’d scream!

Ten years later, I was still friends with her, who the hell knows why, and pretty much no one else. That was when she pulled the ultimateout of her bag of tricks. She accused a local guy whose kids she babysat of getting her pregnant. Now, keep in mind that this town is small. She told me this, told me she was getting kicked out of her parents’ place, and asked to stay with me. That’s when my mom found out that she wasn’t pregnant at all, she had lied to basically stalk and harass this guy. They tested her, she wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t ever able to confront her about that and tell her that I knew the truth because mom found out from someone who wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. But this person told mom because mom said she needed to know what she was getting into if she took my friend in. So because I couldn’t stop the bullshit, my friend kept on lying to me. Saying she had a miscarriage when it came time to start to show signs of pregnancy, grieving the loss of her unborn child, and on and on and on it went! And she wonders why I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

So I go off to school, first a school for the blind. I think, “Well, this is a brand new start.” The first people I meet, well, make me wonder if I have been placed in an asylum without knowing it. One shuffled across the floor very…slowly, clapping his hands and snorting like a horse. When I asked him where he was from, he gave me his full street address! The next told me that he could communicate with me telepathically. I stared at him and said “really? try me!” Then he just stood there, dumbfounded. Or maybe he was trying to send me his thoughts. They didn’t make it. Then, from across the room, I heard a laugh befitting a mad scientist and someone incessantly checking their talking watch, so all you heard was, “ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!” I turned my head in that direction and saw a shadow that looked like a head violently rocking back and forth. This was all on the first day!

Later that week, I met a very tall, very energetic girl who, for some reason, liked to grab me and drag me into her room. It was usually to show me something or introduce me to her parents, but there was no resisting her once she started to drag. Eventually she stopped doing this and seemed to calm down. After thinking she was just goofy but harmless, I started helping her with homework. One day, without warning, she kicked me in the face! This got me to kick her out of my room and tell her to leave me alone. The funniest part of that whole thing was she called my shooing her from my room a “clobbering.” Ok, She’s six feet tall and I’m under five feet. Who’s getting clobbered here? Then she started showing up in the girls’ change-room when I was changing for gym. Then I found out that she had a thing for me! I have nothing against lesbians, but I don’t swing that way! And her mom wonders why I didn’t come to her birthday sleepover.

Another person I met there was harmless, but, well, had issues a mile high. She liked to write stories for fun. She was reading a bunch of them to me, and I noticed that there was someone always made to be an outcast for some really superficial reason. So I asked her why there was always someone different from the rest. There was a two second pause, and then a shriek came out of her that could have broken windows! “Send me to the funny farm!” She bellowed and stomped her foot, and I just stood there wondering what in hell I’d done.

I slowly noticed that the reason there was always an outcast in her stories was because she was an outcast. She didn’t have very many friends and she always got made fun of. I stayed friends with her and, years later, invited her to a new years party. Ooo bad mistake! She managed to make a giant ass of herself and weird out everyone who didn’t know her from before.

I tried just going to see her. That drove me nuts. So I brought her to my place. That drove Steve andI both nuts. My final attempt to go see her and have some fun with her was when a friend and I invited her over and we had a few people over. After she’d had a few drinks, she started asking complete strangers when their parents gave them the talk about the birds and the bees. There was no lead-up to this. Just boom! and there it was. Oh god I was so embarrassed. And she wonders why she feels like such an outcast.

I left the school for the blind thinking, “allright. There were a lot of weird people in there, but sadly, some blind people have, well, issues. Maybe the attraction of freaks will stop now.” Nope, wrong again.

At first, it seemed to stop. Everybody seemed normal. Then I started noticing things about my room-mate. She wasn’t really a freak, bitch is more like it. She would call me embarrassing names in front of her soccer buddies, she’d take my cane and try to poke me with it, all kinds of weirdness. Then a few months later, she said she couldn’t handle me as a room-mate and left. My first reaction was to be hurt, but I think it was the best thing she could have done.

I decided to try out this funky chat program someone told me about. I knew that chat rooms were freak heaven, but good god, they didn’t even waste time being halfway normal with me! Straight to the freaky stuff we went! The one guy who stayed halfway normal long enough to add me to MSN and teach me how to use it eventually went weird. I should have known things were bad when he called himself “boom boom.” That can never be a sign of good things to come. It didn’t take too long before he started making all kinds of veiled, and not so veiled, sexual references to me. Writing “voulez-vous enlèver vos vêtements>” (Wanna take off your clothes?) after I’d just said I came back from five weeks in Quebec is not a good idea. It was right after that that he became very closely acquainted with my block button.

After that, I thought, “Ok, no more adding people to MSN so quickly. They have to prove to me that they’re cool or I have to know them from somewhere else.” Oh no, that wasn’t good enough.

The next new resident in Freakville took a long time to get there. He seemed pretty cool. I knew him in a couple of different contexts. One day, I decided to add him to MSN. Right after I thought he was cool, he started asking me strange questions. He was obsessed with my legs, for one thing. He didn’t want them to get sunburned, he wondered how long they were, *eeewww*. Then he told me about this project he was running, and he needed human sound effects. He said one sound effect that was particularly hard to get was a yawn. He said they always sounded fake. So, I thought I’d help him out. I could yawn. But then he started setting parameters on these yawns. I had to talk while I was yawning, I had to make them x number of seconds. After I sent him the yawns, he started asking me more questions. What was I thinking about whenI was yawning? What was I saying? How did I go about recording these yawns? Gees Louise!

A few months later, I heard that he only asked girls for these sound effects. Not long after that, his girlfriend broke up with him, and coincidentally, he lost all my yawns and needed more! I started to wonder if he was getting some kind of pleasure out of listening to my yawns. Um, eeewww!

Then there’s always the guy who, as soon as he found out I was single, started trying to cyber with me, even when I told him to stop that! He was all flirty, telling me he wanted to go out with me, and then I found out he just wanted to have a little fun on the side. He, too, had a nice meeting with the block button.

And then there are the freaks in my own town. I always meet them in the most innocent ways. One guy was knew to university and was visually impaired. So, to help him and the disability services people out, I decided to be there to answer questions, help him in any way I could. And he had a lot of questions!

That was all it was, at first. He would call a lot, but he seemed to have a ton of questions. Then, like it always does, the metamorphosis started to take hold. He started asking what I was doing every moment of the day. He started asking where Steve was in the house. He started getting mad when I would mention people he didn’t know. The changes sped up when Steve andI weren’t together for a while. Then he’d do weird things like tell me he had a computer problem, and then when I’d return his call, the problem was fixed and he’d try and ask me all kinds of weird questions. He started inviting me to lunch, saying he had something to tell me, and then there was nothing. The weirdest time he invited me to lunch was when his mom was there! They started speaking their native language, which was Egyption I think. After I was home, I called him and asked him what him and his mother were saying in their own language. He told me it was nothing major, she just thought we should have taken me to a better place than the cafeteria in the main university centre. I thought this was a bit suspicious, but really became suspicious when I met his dad one day. A bunch of us went to see him sing in the choir. After the concert, we went up to tell him it sounded cool, bla bla bla. His dad came up to me and asked when I was coming over for tea, and that I can feel free to call their house whenever I want. I left, bewildered, and couldn’t shake the feeling he told them we were dating! He has never admitted that, but why else would they do all those weird things to only me? Why else would he start acting like some kind of possessive boyfriend? No, dude, we’re not dating.

Then there was this nice older man, or so I thought, who used to randomly walk up to Steve and I and talk to us. This isn’t really that odd for me, since random people seem to talk to me a lot, asking me if I know where I’m going, etc. But his behaviour took a weird turn one night.

Right after I had to give Babs up, I was pretty sad. Since he had just seen me with the dog, and then saw me without her, he had to start asking questions. When I told him what happened, he said he wanted to cheer me up and invited me for coffee. I thought there was no harm in this, and we’d only go where I knew where I was. Well, he showed up with a thing of tarts and then wanted to lead me down a trail. I said no, and every so often, he would ask me if I still knew where I was. Um was he hoping I would say no? Was he hoping to get me lost and do who knows what? When I got back to my house, he tried to kiss me! Um what the hell? Do I look vulnerable or something? After that incident, he would show up everywhere I go. Thankfully, that happened significantly less when Steve and I got back together, and I told him we were back together. Another interesting coincidence.

I feel like I could go on and on. Why in hell do I attract all these weirdos? I don’t mean to say everyone I meet is a weirdo, I’ve met a lot of awesome people. But it seems like I have to constantly watch for signals that someone is starting to morph, because it happens way, way, way too often!

Help A Brother Out

Something’s been bugging me for a few days, and looking at our search stats, I can’t think of a better place to look for an anser than here.

I was writing up some music news for
Salty Ham
the other day, and I came across a story about
Eddie Van Halen writing some music for a porn film.
In a way that’s strange enough on its own, but the part that stood out to me even more was that the movie’s director is planning to release 2 versions of the thing, the regular and one that’s refered to as a non-explicit cut.

So now comes what I hope would be the obvious question. Who is buying non-explicit porno movies, and do porn makers do this kind of thing frequently? I’ve never heard of something like this before, and I’m having trouble figuring it out. I mean if you’re buying porn, you pretty much know what you’re going to be in for, so is there really so much of a risk of something offending your delicate sensibilities that you would find yourself marching up to the counter and asking where you can find the ones without all the fuckin’?

Please, somebody help me out here. I honestly don’t understand, and I think this is one of those things that everybody needs to be made aware of.