Who Wants To Be A Small Claims Judge?

The other day I sat down and watched Judge Joe Brown for the first time in a little while and I was wondering about something. What the hell happened to that show?

It used to be my favourite out of that whole bunch of court shows. It was the only one that didn’t seem overly staged, over-produced and over-dramatic. Well maybe the People’s Court, but the People’s Court never gets the chance to truly establish a personality before they change judges again. But back to Joe Brown, since my whole point was really about him anyway. The thing that made his show cool was that he was the guy without any sort of stupid hook. He didn’t yell at people, he wasn’t some sort of do-gooder intent on changing the world 1 dented car or late cell phone bill at a time, and like I said, he just seemed real.

But now, things have changed. Oh, how they’ve changed. Somebody seems to have got it in his or her head that just being a good judge and trying cases isn’t good enough, even though it’s been working since like the beginning of time. They’ve got him randomly polling the audience for no apparent reason in what appears to be some sort of an attempt to make the show more interactive. Since when was court interactive?

“Ok, before we get to the jury, I want to ask you people in the seats, how many of you think that John killed those 6 people and then burned their car?”

Then lights flash, random beeping sounds fill the air, and a nice little yes/no percentage breakdown appears and John gets hauled off to jail because 77% of the victim’s families think he did it. That just doesn’t happen, and small claims, though not as serious as murder, should be no different. Come on, that $182.31 might mean a lot to somebody, so why shouldn’t it be taken seriously? It is court after all.

I suppose you could argue that the people involved should expect nothing less than to be turned into a spectacle since they agreed to have their cases tried on syndicated television, but still, if I cared what the audience thought, I’d be watching Millionaire instead.

The other thing that bothers me about this new Joe Brown is that he seems more like a character than a judge who deserves any sort of respect. Back in the day he would shut the bickering between people down before it had a chance to get going, but now the show has pretty much degenerated into black people yelling at each other while Joe sits there at the bench like a goddamn idiot. Either that or he’s doing this goofy fucking voice while he’s making his judgment or pretending to yell at them. Listen to him sometime, how can you take anything he says seriously when it seems like it’s coming out of the mouth of a Disney character?

Maybe I’m getting too worked up over this, but it bothers me that everything concerning TV these days is all about “reality,” but as soon as the reality looks too real, right away we need to spice things up so people will watch it. Leave it alone! Not all reality is exciting, that’s why a lot of people watch TV to begin with, to escape reality. But for those of us who want to watch reality, we’d prefer to watch reality as it is, not as some producer thinks it should be.

Always Follow the Code

Hey Kids,
So I’m back. I missed the ol’ VC. blah blah.

On Sunday night I went and checked out a concert for a band I’ve been listening to a lot lately. They’re awesome. They’re called Social Code. I know most people know their hit “Beautiful” and it’s a great tune. But not even close to their best.

It’s awesome cuz they’re still small so it’s a small club setting concert which is how I dig it. Underground music rocks. And this was quite literlaly under ground. It was held in the basement of another building in Oshawa.

Outstanding punk show. The openers all kind of sucked but it was worth the show. It was an all ages show so there were a lot of teeny boppers around that were pretty irritating but there were some pretty hardcore punks in Oshawa that I didn’t know about. (of course I use that term as an endeering one as opposed to how most people use it).

They’re a good little Canadian band out of Edmonton. So they’re struggling to get fans. they opened the show with Whisper To A Scream. If you don’t have it, Get it! They played most of the album and a few new songs which rocked pretty hard. They closed with Beautiful of course and said it was to thank their fans and told everyone to turn to the person beside them and hug them as a thank you from Social Code. I hugged my friend Ashley which was comical since she’s a country fan who hadn’t heard them until the day before – but hey. she showed up and supported them and actually enjoyed it and downloaded some songs when she got home and that’s what it’s all about for a band that size. Awareness. all and all a great high energy show. They’re passing through Guelph and a few other cities coming up on this Canadian tour. Get out and check them out. www.socialcodemusic.com.

If you wanna get a taste of what they are. A few songs I’d reccomend are Beautiful. Cats and Dogs, Miss You, He Said She Said, and Birds fly. Hell, all of it’s good but those are a good start.

PeACE

Chili Anyone?

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Report

Bus Entertainment

Man I love bus rides like this, when amusement plops itself down beside you and helps you pass the time. I was sitting on the bus, and this woman and her four-year-old daughter came and sat down beside me. At first it was just average mother-daughter stuff. Then this conversation unfolded that had me giggling for a long long time.

little girl: Mommy, I love you.
Mother: Julia, I love you too.
Julia: I love you all the way to Chrissie’s house.
Mother: I love you all the way to the moon.
Julia: I love you all the way to the moon at night, but there’s no moon, so I can’t.
Mother: Do you love me all the way to the sun?
Julia: I love you all around the world.
Mother: That’s a lot of love for a mommy. I love you all around the world too.
Julia (in this little deep voice): That’s a lot of love for a Julia!

At this point, I just busted up laughing. Kids are adorable, and it’s nice to see a cute conversation, rather than the obnoxious brats you see most of the time. Written down, that conversation looks like nothing more than a pile of nauseatingly stupid sap. But watching it happen was pretty cool. I hope tomorrow’s bus ride is equally entertaining.

What the fuck?

There are no better words to express what I’m about to describe. I’m sitting here just shaking my head in disbelief. Please tell me there wasn’t some kind of geographic shift that has thrown me to some far off place. I am in Canada, right? The scenery looks the same, but shit is going on that just shouldn’t happen here. Shouldn’t! No question!

I just heard that a whole bunch of people from the Kashechewan native reservation had to be evacuated to places where they could access medical treatment and clean water. Did a major natural disaster hit them that would cause a sudden breakdown in medical care and clean water? No! Apparently, they’ve been dealing with poorly-treated water that comes out of the tap looking like ginger- ale as one person described it, for some time now. In her summary of the situation, the Canada AM reporter said the citizens of the reserve had been living in third world conditions.

Ok, I say again, what the fuck? At first I flipped out because everyone started blaming the federal government right off the bat for the problem. I thought, “Maybe nobody notified them. Maybe they didn’t even know it was going on.” Think about it. How often does one go through Kashechewan? It’s not really a stop on the way to Ottawa. Before today, had anyone really heard of it? These reserves can be sort of isolated from the main drag. it would still be pretty nuts, but perhaps conceivable.

Then I read more stuff and started getting really mad. Apparently they’ve been asking for repairs on the water treatment plants for two years. Two! years! Oh it gets better. Health Canada has been testing this ginger-ale-coloured substance which I refuse to call water, recently, and has been finding nothing wrong with it…until a couple weeks ago they found some E. Coli. The water doesn’t look like water, how can it still be ok? Tell me please. Either we’re all doomed because Health Canada tests all of our water with the same testing instruments and procedures, or boy do some heads need to roll. I go for choice b…perhaps for the sake of my own sanity. I would like to think that if brown shit started coming out of my tap, I wouldn’t be forced to continue to see this shit. It would be fixed. Hell, Walkerton was a tragedy, but it didn’t go on for years!

This brings me to my second level of what the fuck. Notice I said, *seeing* this shit, not *drinking* it. Would you drink odd-looking fluid that came out of your tap just because…it came out of your tap so it must be safe? I don’t think so! Why did these people continue to drink it, so long that their were deaths and people requiring medical treatment? Is Kashechewan so isolated that they can’t get bottled water from anywhere? Could they not afford it? If the federal government couldn’t fix the water-purification plants, could the chief not have requested water to be shipped in en masse? Couldn’t someone have done Something? This just seems ridiculous! I’ve heard that natives have become helpless and powerless, I guess this is just a glaring example of it.

Now that all the rage has gone out of me, I’m feeling kind of drained, and can’t really think of a good ending for this. It would be meaningless to say “hopefully this will never happen again” because let’s face it, it will. If not in the exact same form, then something else equally appalling is bound to happen. We are pathetically slow learners. It disgusts me that it happened, and it shocks me that conditions are really that horrible. I guess all that’s left to say is, what the fuck?!?!?!

ESL Fun

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but down the street from me there is a convenience store. This convenience store is run by a bunch of people, duh. They’re nice, aside from the fact that things that cost you maybe a foot at most convenience stores cost the whole arm and leg here. But one thing they all share is they’re either Indian or Pakistani, and English is not one of their strong suits. They don’t like to answer their phone if you call them, and instead of “How may I help you?” all some of them can manage is “what?!”

Don’t get me wrong, they try to help me when I ask for stuff, and they know when they’re beaten and ask some random customer to point them in the right direction when they can’t understand me. But I’m just trying to paint a picture for you for the next part of the story.

So I come into the store and want to buy some margarine. Simple enough, right? I go up and ask for some. This is the response I get. “We have…hmmm…becel, and…imperial…and…I don’t believe this is, um, not, um butter?”

I had to suppress a laugh, because if I didn’t, I would have been laughing for a good minute straight, and that would have been embarrassing for all involved. That is the most entertaining way to say I can’t believe it’s not butter I’ve heard, and especially coming from people who can barely speak the language. it was like she was going out of her way to make it more complicated for herself. Maybe that is what I’ve been doing all along, making things too simple. Maybe I have to take the long way around to get what I want. Next time I go in there, I’ll ask for intelligenties and see if I get smarties the first time out. Wish me luck.

You Are Here?

Wow, it’s been a while since we’ve done this, but it’s time once again for the bit that’s so popular that
Roland
over at Salty Ham decided to swipe it for his own column. He did a nice job with it too, and he even gave us credit for it so the theft is acceptable.

For the benefit of those of you who might not know what all of this is, it’s basically a compilation of how messed up a few of you aare. The hit counter captures search queries, I notice those queries, and then the fun begins.

Ok, with that out of the way, let’s do this thing.

21 Oct, Fri, 23:07:26
Yahoo:
why is it called the vomit comet

We figured that Vomit Comet was more catchy sounding and easier to remember than as;lfjpoiweuroiu989kjhfkljabsabax,mbm,xcbjlfheweurro;qweurqwpoieuweruirew, which was our second choice. But sometimes I still lye awake at night wondering if we made the right decision.

Thu, 20:41:39
Yahoo:
history of ghonorea

I’m not in the mood to teach history, but there’s never a wrong time to help somebody out, so here are a couple of tips:

1. Learn to spell Gonorrhea.
2. Go ask your Mom, she probably knows. Or at the very least she can put you in touch with Grandma if ancient history is more your thing.

22 Oct, Sat, 14:26:22
Yahoo:
short cut to get higenic sex

Why do I get the feeling we’re dealing with the same guy from the last one here? And by the way, h y g i e n i c.

21 Oct, Fri, 20:12:07
Yahoo:
picking up slutty girls friday nights boston

Man, some people just never learn do they? But since I’m so friggin helpful, try going outside and looking around. Good things come to those who stand there for a few minutes.

23 Oct, Sun, 16:39:41
Yahoo:
scorpio, horoscopes, sluts

November, newspapers, Boston.

21 Sep, Wed, 21:04:44
Yahoo:
signs a guy is attracted to a woman

Speaking as a guy, I want to let you in on a bit of a secret. We men can be a complicated bunch at times, and sometimes what you may think of as flirting might simply be nothing more than idol chatter, or an attempt at being nice gone horribly amiss. So from where I sit, there are 2 sure-fire ways to tell what the man in question is thinking. You can look deep into his eyes, talk to him, try to read his every move and hang on his every word in an attempt to achieve a greater understanding of who he is as a person. Either that or you can just check him for wood and be done with it.

25 Oct, Tue, 09:18:00
MSN Search:
pitchers of dog cynophobia

Strangely enough, I’ve never seen Dog Cynophobia on tap in any bar I’ve ever been in.

By the way, would dog cynophobia be dogs that are afraid of other dogs? And I’m not sure what a p i c t u r e of that would look like, but I imagine it consisting of a dog shitting his pants at the site of a bigger dog.

23 Oct, Sun, 19:42:06
MSN Search:
show me some sciencce fair project that have already been done

Isn’t that cute? Some special ed student is trying to cheat on a project. Or maybe he’s a professor at a
natoinal unviesrity
somewhere.

And so ends this little diversion for another day. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve almost swerved off the road because we were trying to read this on one of those internet-capable cell phones while we were driving. But now it’s time to say goodbye. So until we meet again, happy searching. If you need me, I’ll be thinkin’ about my doorbell and when you’re gonna ring it.

It’s Bud The Spud From The …Big Deep Freeze?

Brad sent me this and it cracks me up. And I can vouch for how great those potatoes are, they’re…something. Maybe not something you would want to ingest, but they are indeed something. Take it away, Brad!

You know how there are some vegetables, like beans, that you can boil for a couple minutes and freeze? Well, there are some you just can’t do that with. Well my soon to be vomitting friends, my aunt freezes potatoes. Yes, potatoes. Which would be all right, if she did it the right way. You can’t do it like beans.

The way she does it, they’re not in the water long enough to know that they are even wet let alone boiled before they are in bags bound for the freezer. When they come out, ready for cooking, they look like little frozen marbles floating in water. When cooked, they are a big sloppy glop of slop that can almost be sucked up with a straw.

Enjoy your dinner.

Mmm…thought stew.

I’m just sitting here, and I have way too much energy. Like super energy. I feel like I just drank a whole bunch of coffee, make that espresso, and I have so much energy that I don’t know what to do with it. And that’s not good when you’re working at a distress line, so I thought I’d try and burn off some of this by writing down whatever the hell comes into my head.

And let’s start with a message to mother nature. Stop pissing on my head! I swear we haven’t had a sunny day in at least a couple of weeks. It’s definitely been sucky for a week straight. You can have your rain to water the plants, but is it really necessary to have a couple miserable weeks Without a single solitary break? Believe me, I’m happy snow hasn’t come, at least not snow that stayed. I heard that some slush bullshit fell from the sky on Saturday. I’m just glad I didn’t see it. But after a while, the shit weather really brings me down. Believe it or not, the dullness effects us blinks too. So, can we have some sun please?

I don’t know why this irritates me, but it does. There was a song called Gimme Hope, Joanna by Eddie Grant. As far as I knew, it was a song about South Africa and all the Apartheid that was going on down there. Now some yogourt company has altered, oh wait, butchered, it and is using the tune to sell their yogourt. Well they succeeded in getting my attention. But it makes me wonder if anything’s sacred anymore. Oh why bother asking, nothing is. That’s almost worse than a Big Sugar song being in a car ad.

And here’s something really creepy that I found out when I told a friend to check out our blog. Apparently there’s another blog with a name really close to ours, and someone on it mentioned someone with a name close to mine. Luckily it was Karen, not Carin, but it had me going for a while. I thought Steve had lost his mind for sure.

And I think I’m done. This thought stew was more like a thought soup, the kind they serve at some cafeterias that might as well be broth with a couple vegies in it. I thought I had more to say. Guess not. Well I hope you guys had fun. I’ll be back…when I’m back.

Where Was This Stuff When I was A Kid?

Animal lovers slam Choke-A-Chicken toy
Seriously, that’s honestly what it’s called. But if you don’t want to believe either me or The Register, you can check out its official website and maybe even buy one by clicking here.

And if you’re considering picking up a few for the kids on your Christmas list, think about grabbing an extra one for your old buddy Steve, because it seems like something I’d be able to have some fun with. I’m pretty sure I’ve just set myself up for some abuse somehow but oh well, I won’t be the first person to ever be torn apart on the comment boards around here.