BYOW

The government of Ontario, [the Canadian province I live in] is considering passing legislation that would allow restaurant patrons to bring their own bottles of wine with them rather than forcing them to pay for their wine at the restaurant itself. Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty calls the proposed move a “very civilized” idea and says that because a couple of other provinces do this already, it might be a good idea here too, leading many, myself included to ask the question, just how much wine had Premier McGuinty consumed before he thought this one up?

But wait, it gets better. Not only is the government thinking of passing a bill that would more than likely cut restaurant earnings drasticly, possibly causing some to shut down due to lost revenue from alcohol sales which would lead to job losses and an eventual overall economic downturn, but some of the proposed language in the bill has the potential to create more problems. Consumer Minister Jim Watson says that he is considering a provision in the legislation that would allow customers to recork any unfinished wine that might remain in their bottles after their meals in an effort to curb drunk driving because apparently, in the alternate universe in which our elected officials reside, slightly intoxicated restaurant patrons walking around with open containers of booze doesn’t seem like that much of a problem.

Acording to Watson this recorking system is already in place in Alberta so there’s no reason why it wouldn’t work here in Ontario. Ok, let me give you a little bit of background on Alberta. I’m not sure when this wine law was passed there, but that province’s longtime Premier was a raging alcoholic up until recently. He only got help after it was reported all over the media that he cursed out a bunch of homeless people, told them to get jobs and then threw a bunch of money at them after a night of drinking. And this guy has managed to get re-elected more than once! So it only stands to reason that with leadership such as this that the province of Alberta would allow a law like that to pass. It doesn’t mean that we have to do it here, Jesus Christ.

What would be so wrong with worrying about actual important issues, like that crazy big debt that you keep bitching about inherriting from the last group of fucking idiots that people who weren’t me voted in? My head is spinning just thinking about this. Good Lord, I need a drink. Maybe I’ll hit the liquor store and then head over to Burger King. Hey, it’ll be legal soon enough.

Don’t Be Sexist, Chicks Hate That

Canada’s National Action Committee on the Status of Women announced today that it is in financial ruin and is pretty much out of money. The group appealed to the government to forgive all of their unpaid taxes in an effort to help them deal with their debt.

You know, if I had a sexist side I’d say that all of this could have been avoided if those crazy chicks would just learn to control themselves at the mall and maybe pass on going into the odd clothing store or 2 every now and then but since I’m not like that, I realize that remarks like those are hurtful, offensive and insensitive so I won’t be making them here.

And The Winner Is…

A few days ago I asked if somebody could make any sense out of the following comment.

Well, not laziness, as you say, A-Time. But just a lack of ideas or things to post up.
Although, I’ll agree with you halfway that he was lazy to post up random topics that doesn’t contain a subject, but for people to comment on.
Anyways, I’m done.
Nick | 03.01.04 – 4:15 pm |

Well, a few entries were posted to the comment board and now it’s time for me to pick a winner. It wasn’t easy, some of the stuff you guys came up with was pretty good but since nobody won the last contest, which is the only reason we ended up having this one in the first place, I have to pick a winner for this one.

The entries ranged from serious attempts to explain what the hell he was trying to say to full on venomous hatred, but the winner fits into neither category, the winning entry just cracked me up because it was creative and the person who didn’t put his or her name on it should be proud. So here it is, your winning entry in the first ever Vomit Comet comment translation showdown.

??????, ?? ????, ??? ?? ????????, ” ????? “. ?? ?????? ?????????? ???? ??? ?????, ????? ????????(????????? ?? ?????
.
????, ? ????????? ? ???? ?? ???????, ??? ?? ??? ?????, ????? ?&
Anonymous | 03.03.04 – 9:33 pm |

Congratulations Anonymous on your great victory. You are the champions, my friend.

A Joke More Stupid Than The Last One

This one is funnier too.

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

“Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, its got to be your ears!”

Astounded, she replies, “My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they are firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look
at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,

“Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me.”

Today’s Stupid Joke

This one might piss some of you off, like I really give a shit.

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he’s been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, “OK homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!”

The fag says, “I’ll need at least two hours.”

Basking In The ….. Luck?

Holey shit. Leetch got traded by the end of yesterday just like I said he would. I was just trying to look like I actually knew what I was talking about when I said that when clearly I know no more than any other fan. Maybe I do actually know what I’m talking about…. nah. we’ll chalk this one up to luck. Great deal for Toronto though.

By the way, Satan. I still fail to understand how you can continuously slag the highest scoring defenseman on your team. I’ve never really gotten any kind of honest defense of him from you other than “shut up matt. you like him cuz you think he’s hot.” while the fact that I think he is hot may or may not be true, i’d like to see some kind of legit defense of your stance. write something up and i’ll give you fair space on the main page to speak your mind. mention nick if possible as well. haha

You Should All Go Read This Now

Salty Ham is really starting to take off and a lot of the reason for that in my opinion are the quality writers that Roland keeps finding. For some reason he even lets Matt and I write there but don’t let that spoil your enjoyment of the place, especially since if you don’t go there you won’t be able to read Flagg, that guy is amazing. He’s quickly becoming my favourite guy to read on the entire site, I look for his column every Wednesday and I’ve never been disappointed.

He wrote a really great one this week that you can read by going
here.
He makes a great point about public airwaves, one that’s never even entered my mind for some reason. Go check it out and read his archives if you’ve got time, you won’t regret it.

More On Junk Food

I almost missed this comment, but I’m glad I saw it before the post scrolled off of the main page. Just to refresh everybody’s memories and to get any new readers up to speed on what’s going on, in my post last week called Flawed Logic I talked about a study that was done on junk food advertising and it’s impact on children. That post is still on the main page right now but I’m not sure how long it’ll stay there so if you missed it, click on the archive for February and scroll down if you haven’t read it and want to see what we’re talking about.

I think you are all missing a big point here. It shouldn’t matter how many commercials on the tv. Maybe the problem is that the kids are watching it too much anyways. There arent any ads in the park! Go play hide and seek or something! Kill the problem before it even starts
a different anonymous | 02.29.04 – 2:49 pm |

I almost agree with that. I’m with you when you say that kids watch too much TV, a lot of them do. I also agree that there are no commercials in the park, but that’s where our opinions part company and here’s why.

While there aren’t any junk food ads in the park, which is a good thing, what kids can get their hands on in the park is much worse than a commercial, that being the junk food itself. Whether it’s other kids bringing candy that they get from somewhere and sharing it around or your own kid going to the store near the park and buying some penny candies with his pocket change, there are still ways that they can get it and eat it. Hell, the park in the little village where I did a lot of my growing up had it’s own concession stand and when it was open, which wasn’t all the time, it would sell everything from burgers and fries to those hot lip things and everything in between. And if it wasn’t open when you were there, there was a convenience store not 5 minutes away that would be happy to sell you candy or ice-cream on the cheap.

So while getting kids outside playing is a really nice sentiment, if you’re worried about junk food, it’s not the answer to the problem. I still stand by my original opinion that at least some of the blame has to go to the parents on this one. Feel free to try to change my mind, I’m open to discussion.

So Who Won?

Back on Monday when I posted to say sorry for not updating the site in like 4 days I encouraged you all to yell at Matt and I for slacking off so much and said that I would take the best comment or comments and post them on the main page. Well, a few of you took part and since the activity in that thread seems to be dead now I figure it’s time to announce the winner. One problem, nobody wins. Don’t get me wrong, some of the comments were pretty entertaining but the problem is that instead of letting Matt and I have it, some of our loyal Vomiteers decided to turn on each other. Imagine that, people posting on our boards not getting along with each other, seems almost unthinkable but it does happen now and then.

So what to do? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’ve come up with a way for somebody to win this contest by starting another one. The person who posts the best translation of the following will win. The rules are simple, tell me what in the hell all of this is supposed to mean and get your name mentioned and your comment posted. Be creative, be funny, be whatever, just catch my attention and make me want to post what you wrote over anybody else’s entry. Just know that even if you don’t win I have the deepest respect for anybody who can make sense out of this.

Well, not laziness, as you say, A-Time. But just a lack of ideas or things to post up.
Although, I’ll agree with you halfway that he was lazy to post up random topics that doesn’t contain a subject, but for people to comment on.
Anyways, I’m done.
Nick | 03.01.04 – 4:15 pm |

There are a couple of things that confuse me about this comment. First, how can random topics have no subject when they are topics and topic is another word for subject? I’m not even going to get into the fact that even stream of conciousness writing has a subject, sometimes many of them. Any piece of writing, no matter what it is has to have a subject, it is impossible to write about nothing without just smashing random letters and posting whatever they end up with, a technique seemingly employed by some of the people who comment here. Second, how can somebody slag a person for putting up posts with more than 1 topic in them but then in the same breath say that that person has no ideas for material to post? And finally, who exactly is the comment directed at? Matt and I have both put more than 1 topic in a single post, sometimes it just works better. Who exactly is the lazy person who isn’t actually lazy?

Ok loyal readers, explain that!