Oh God! I’m Hooked!

So it seems I have a new favourite website. I’ve been wasting entirely too much time over the last few days at www.funtrivia.com. This is not good. I can’t recall where I saw this but I believe it was over at Karine’s blog where she mentioned it so I thought I’d go check it out and holey hell, I’m hooked.

I think I started ranked at like 400,000th or something like that and I’m already up to 230,000th. Sure I’m still along way back but I’ve made some serious hay already.

So if it was in fact Karine that I got it from, I don’t know if I should thank her or be mad at her cuz I can’t stay away from this site. It’s just trivia on everything. Music, sports, movies, people, history, art… whatever you want. I’ve just been setting it to random and seeing where it takes me and I’ve discovered I know nothing about the TV show Happy Days. I got 1 – 10 on that quiz and they were all guesses. Anyway. go check it out. I’m sure I’ll throw it up on the links board when I get a few minutes.

Who Wants To Help Me Kill A Cute Little Bunny?

For Easter my girlfriend got me one of those big chocolate Easter Bunnies that you see everywhere leading up to the holiday. (and that can be purchased for 35 cents the day after Easter’s over) It was a lovely gesture and I am a fan of the abundance of candy that is readily available at this time of year… but this particular bunny packs a bit of a punch.

HE’S ONE RIPPED RABBIT!

This bunny is rock hard. It’s hard to the point where it is difficult to go about eating it. It’s like a chore just to have a piece of this great chocolate. Oh sure, at first everything is great and easy to eat just to get you hooked. I mean you can break off the ears easily enough and eat them and the head is pretty thin so with a bit more effort you can snap that off and enjoy how great this is.

Now they’ve got you. You want more. You NEED more of this particular chocolate animal. It now owns you. But you are now at the body of the rabbit and it is thick, and it is hard and it is UNBREAKABLE.

You can try biting a piece off. This was my first attempt. I clamped down on it with the left side of my jaw and immediately felt pain in the right side to the point where it hurt to close my mouth for a few moments. It was obvious that this was going to take a less direct method. This was going to take some thought, this was going to take some cunning and possibly even some scientific know-how. That’s when I had a brilliant idea…

SMASH IT AS HARD AS I CAN AGAINST MY DESK!!!

What? Not scientific and brilliant enough? What can I say, I’m a guy who gets frustrated easily.

BUT! This bunny stood up to the tremendous impact and did not even dent. This was a crushing blow for me. I set the bunny down on the desk feeling defeated. I stared down at where the head used to be and could picture the eyes staring back at me mockingly. I could just imagine the mouth laughing away screaming in a high pitch frightening voice “NOT TODAY, FRIEND!!!”

I sat for many minutes not knowing what to do. This piece of delicious chocolate was defeating me in a war of survival. I was at a loss. I felt shame. Where could I turn?

I thought that maybe the most obvious answer was the one I was ignoring. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a knife confident that when I returned the mocking laughter and the cold stare of a missing rabbit head would be gone and replaced with a change in momentum and he WOULD FEEL MY WRATH!

I approached the tastey animal slowly, almost menacingly brandishing a knife in my right hand with an evil smerk on my face. I sat down slowly and pressed the knife to a portion of the rodent’s body. Then more pressure… and then a bit more… and then I stood up for more pressure as there was no effect on the rabbit and before I knew it I was hacking and chopping wildly at this cute piece of candy just looking for a weakness. My rage was increasing as I could imagine his evil laughter again. I continued looking for a chip in his armour…. There was none.

So here I sit with a delicious piece of chocolate in front of me and no way of enjoying it. I have been defeated by a candy animal. I come to you, the Vomiteers, hoping that someone, anyone, will know how I can have my revenge and devour this evil creature before he is able to devour my entire being with his taunting nature. Please. I beg of you. Help me.

I’ll be sure to thank my girlfriend for this gift. It has brought me so much joy. It’s the thought that counts… Bull! Sometimes I wonder if this is some kinda of conspiracey between this evil creature and my girlfriend. They’re plotting against me to get me out of the way so they can be together and live happy headless lives with each other. Well, I won’t let that happen. I WON’T!

I think this thing is starting to make me crazy…

Canadian Confidence Cannot Be Shaken

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang…

“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin’ to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!”

“Well Archie,” George replied, “This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

George paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, thewar is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?”, George asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’ farm tractor.”

President Bush sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to
ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We upan’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!

“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie,”I’ll have ta call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘erewar.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

That’ll Show Them

In an effort to stop the erosion of moral standards in the country, Zanzibar’s parliament has unanimously passed a bill that would ban homosexuality. Violators of the new law, which is expected to get presidential assent in the very near future, would be slapped with jail terms that could be as long as 25 years.

Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Being gay in Zanzibar is illegal. If you’re caught being gay in Zanzibar, they throw you in jail, for a long time, probably with a cell mate. Yeah, that’ll show them fags a thing or 2 because if there’s one place that won’t stand for gay sex, it’s prison.

Celebrating The Unintentionally Funny

I just stopped over to
Salty Ham
to see what was new and I noticed one of the funniest coincidences that I’ve seen in quite some time.

On the main page under the recent columns heading, look at the first 2 items. In case they’re gone by the time you get to this which is possible especially if you’re not seeing this right after I post it, I’ll explain.

Over at The Ham we now have a guy who writes a column on religion for the life section. He posted his first column yesterday, you should check it out if you’re so inclined, make him feel welcomed.

So today I went back to see if there was anything new to read and right above the work of our new religious friend is a column called The Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts Of Porn. Just try to tell me that’s not even the least bit humourous, just try.

Disgusting, Just Disgusting

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”

“Bad news first, Marilyn.”

“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”

“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!”

Not That This Happens To Any Of You Or Anything

The Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex

10> The guys at the gym inform you that someone made out a grocery list on your back.

9> She keeps complaining that the kids will interrupt you, even though they’re both over 30 and live more than 500 miles away.

8> You spend all day making a romantic dinner hoping for some intimacy, and when she comes home and sees it, the ONLY thing she says is, “Leftovers tomorrow?”

7> She stares at the ceiling? A little bored. She watches TV? Bored. She pops zits on your back? Extremely bored!

6> The only things HE thinks about doing in the shower anymore is turning up the hot water so the farts smell worse.

5> She says she needs something to help her sleep. Then she puts away the Sominex, hands you a condom, and says “Go to it!”

4> Not only does she decline sex with me, she actually looks forward to bland domestic chores like greeting the milkman and the mailman.

3> Not only is he watching the game during sex, he’s also online managing his fantasy team.

2> Insists on keeping the chat window open and the keyboard really close, “just in case.”

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex…

1> Instead of making the minimal effort to fake an orgasm, she plays a tape recording of a fake orgasm.

TopFive.com

This Country Makes Me Sick

That title may seem a bit harsh and I’m not sure I actually believe it but you’re reading this so it got your attention. In all honesty, I don’t think this country makes me sick. The people are great, we’re free-er than most countries…. but our judiciary system JUST BLOWS!!!

In Ottawa this week a woman was arrested under charges of child abuse. She was a foster parent and had a few children put under her care. Apparently our adoption agencies also need some work. Check this out.

The woman used to place one young girl in the DRYER for WEEKS at a time. The young girl would have to eat, sleep, urinate and defocate in the dryer. There were times where she was left in there for so long that she would have problems walking when she was finally let out.

The woman was also responsible for bashing a young boys head against the wall on more than one occasion along with abusing him in other ways. Clearly this bitch is one sick human being.

Let me tell you what our wonderful legal system saw fit to give the woman in terms of jail time. FOUR MONTHS!!! We’re all told to have faith in a legal system that determines storing your children in household appliances and beating up others is only worth four months of jail time?!?! Fuck that! She deserves to be in there for the rest of her life.

And if you didn’t believe that it could get worse than that… just hold on. The woman was RELEASED from custody only HOURS after being put away. HOURS!?!? What the hell is that?!? The purpose of our legal system is to ensure that everyone’s rites and freedoms are upheld and those who don’t respect those rites are taken out of society. Are you gonna try and tell me that these poor children’s rites were not violated?

These kids had already been taken away from their biological parents for one reason or another. We can only assume that it was not a proper environment for children but they are promised that they are going to be “taken care of” and be put in a “safer” situation and this is what those poor kids had to go through.

It infuriates me to think that this scum bag was only given four months but our system can’t even keep her in there for the entire sentence? This isn’t supposed to be one of those “down with the system” or “anarchy rules” things that you see because there would be chaos without it. But how can you throw a guy in jail for years for drug use and let some bitch out after a few hours after she beat the shit out of her kids? It makes me so mad I can’t even think strait enough to figure out how I want to end this. That’s not supposed to be a joke. This pisses me off more than anything I’ve heard in a long time. The judge overseeing this case needs to be punched in the head and thrown out of his position and our legal system needs to have a serious overhaul and review of what’s worse in the eyes of the public. Maybe it’s good that she got let out. If the public gets wind of who this psycho is they’ll make sure she gets what she deserves one way or another.

Although the person that does that will get locked up for 10 years. That’s Justice isn’t it?

Anyway. I’m out for the long weekend. Hope y’all have a pleasant Easter.

It Just Never Ends: The Continuing Parade Of Dumb Commercials

I’m not sure how long this has been going on, but I noticed a few days ago that Honda has started using the song “I Melt With You” by Modern English in their commercials.

Let’s forget all about the fact that this song has nothing to do with cars because that’s not even the problem. The problem with using this song in car commercials is a lyrical one.

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”

Now I’m not sure about you, but if the world is stopping and I’m melting with my car, I’m thinking this is bad and that perhaps somebody might want to call an ambulance, and make it snappy.

Hearing that song in those commercials doesn’t make me think of buying a Honda, it makes me think of firey automobile accidents, and somehow I don’t think that’s the reaction they were looking for.

Think people, think, that’s all I ask.