Consider Yourself Warned

This is honestly the most disgusting joke I’ve ever seen, so I had to share. If you’re not a fan of sick things, first of all what are you doing here and secondly, I’m telling you right now that you’ll want to scroll down and read something else. I’m dead serious, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

By the way, if anybody thinks they’ve got one to top this either leave it on the comment board below this post or
email it to me
and I’ll possibly post it up here on the main site. This could be fun.

A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat. Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone. Finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I’ll move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I’ll find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I’ll find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you…. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”

“It’s that guy behind you… He keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”

Breaking News: Suicide Attempt

The details on this story are still pretty sketchy but I wanted to get it out there to all the hockey fans on our site. Especially those of you who saw last night’s game.

Last night following his terrible game, Patrick Lalime was so overwhelmed with dissapointment and shame that he tried to take his own life right here in Toronto. Lalime climbed up on top of a subway bridge and awaited the next train. Reports say that when he heard the train comming he jumped down in front of it. Remarkably, the train managed to squeak through Lalime’s legs.

Amazing story.

If There Is A God, He’s A Sick Bastard

I’ve heard it said many times that God has a sense of humour, and if there is in fact a God, I have proof that he does, and that it’s twisted as hell.

A man who comes from a place not too far away from where I live was recently out driving his car when every driver’s worst nightmare became a reality. He lost control of his vehicle and rolled it several times, ending up far off the side of the road. He came out ok however and even managed to escape the car, for the most part unhurt.

With disaster narrowly averted it was time to plan his next move. He decided to do the only logical thing a person in his situation could do, seek help. So up the hill he climbed, bravely making his way towards the side of the road that had nearly taken his life just moments earlier. Upon his arrival, he was promptly struck and killed by a hit and run driver.

After reading that story, answer this one question for me. Who’s more evil, me for laughing at this or whomever is out there pushing the buttons to run the world for randomly doing stuff like that to fuck with people?

Backlash Roundtable

I know I know, it’s less than an hour away from show time but still, better late than never. If you want to check out the Salty Ham Staff’s predictions for tonight’s Backlash PPV, you can do so
here.

Let’s see if I can keep up my good luck streak and maybe overtake a few people and take my rightful place at the top of the heap in this little contest.

Reading Material

Go read Matt’s review of Trapt’s self-titled album, newly posted over at Salty Ham. Doesn’t sound like too bad of a record, until the end that is.
Click here to check it out.

And keep an eye out for some more reviews coming hopefully soon. I got my hands on the new one from the Descendents as well as some classic stuff from some other bands I’ve been meaning to get around to putting up. I’ll keep you posted, or better yet, just go to Salty Ham every day and look for them. There’s something new posted on that site every day somewhere, and they’ve got message boards too so check the place out and have fun, there’s something for everyone there.

In Honour of the Leafs/Sens Tonight

Four hockey fans are on a mountain climbing trip together. They are all heavily devoted to four different teams and all claim to love their respective team more than the other men love theirs.

As they climb higher and higher, the arguement gets more and more heated. Upon reaching the summet of the mountain it is at a boiling point.

The man from Vancouver goes running towards the edge of the cliff and leaps off screaming “This is for the Vancouver Canucks!!!”

Not to be outdone, the man from Calgary goes charging towards the edge and leaps off screaming “This is for the Calgary Flames!!!”

Upon seeing this, the man from Toronto walks over to the cliff, yells “This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs and pushes the Ottawa climber off the cliff.

Much love to Satan for the joke.

Anything For A Buck

Osama bin Laden Haircut Results in Lawsuit
—————————————————————–

HONG KONG, China – A woman hoping for Julia Roberts hair entered
a salon in Hong Kong and came out looking like Osama bin Laden.
At least that is what she claimed. In an attempt to sue the salon
for compensation, Chu Ieu said in court that not only did she not
end up with hair like Roberts, but “It was like a broom. It was
horrible. I looked like Osama bin Laden.” Adjudicator Yuen
Chun-kau dismissed the case. He told the woman, “You’ve only
shown the court that the hairstyle did not look good.”

Exasperated, Ieu claimed the judge’s indifference was because he
was bald. She refused to leave the courtroom and had to be taken
away by ambulance after an hour-long standoff.

Oh God! I’m Hooked!

So it seems I have a new favourite website. I’ve been wasting entirely too much time over the last few days at www.funtrivia.com. This is not good. I can’t recall where I saw this but I believe it was over at Karine’s blog where she mentioned it so I thought I’d go check it out and holey hell, I’m hooked.

I think I started ranked at like 400,000th or something like that and I’m already up to 230,000th. Sure I’m still along way back but I’ve made some serious hay already.

So if it was in fact Karine that I got it from, I don’t know if I should thank her or be mad at her cuz I can’t stay away from this site. It’s just trivia on everything. Music, sports, movies, people, history, art… whatever you want. I’ve just been setting it to random and seeing where it takes me and I’ve discovered I know nothing about the TV show Happy Days. I got 1 – 10 on that quiz and they were all guesses. Anyway. go check it out. I’m sure I’ll throw it up on the links board when I get a few minutes.

Who Wants To Help Me Kill A Cute Little Bunny?

For Easter my girlfriend got me one of those big chocolate Easter Bunnies that you see everywhere leading up to the holiday. (and that can be purchased for 35 cents the day after Easter’s over) It was a lovely gesture and I am a fan of the abundance of candy that is readily available at this time of year… but this particular bunny packs a bit of a punch.

HE’S ONE RIPPED RABBIT!

This bunny is rock hard. It’s hard to the point where it is difficult to go about eating it. It’s like a chore just to have a piece of this great chocolate. Oh sure, at first everything is great and easy to eat just to get you hooked. I mean you can break off the ears easily enough and eat them and the head is pretty thin so with a bit more effort you can snap that off and enjoy how great this is.

Now they’ve got you. You want more. You NEED more of this particular chocolate animal. It now owns you. But you are now at the body of the rabbit and it is thick, and it is hard and it is UNBREAKABLE.

You can try biting a piece off. This was my first attempt. I clamped down on it with the left side of my jaw and immediately felt pain in the right side to the point where it hurt to close my mouth for a few moments. It was obvious that this was going to take a less direct method. This was going to take some thought, this was going to take some cunning and possibly even some scientific know-how. That’s when I had a brilliant idea…

SMASH IT AS HARD AS I CAN AGAINST MY DESK!!!

What? Not scientific and brilliant enough? What can I say, I’m a guy who gets frustrated easily.

BUT! This bunny stood up to the tremendous impact and did not even dent. This was a crushing blow for me. I set the bunny down on the desk feeling defeated. I stared down at where the head used to be and could picture the eyes staring back at me mockingly. I could just imagine the mouth laughing away screaming in a high pitch frightening voice “NOT TODAY, FRIEND!!!”

I sat for many minutes not knowing what to do. This piece of delicious chocolate was defeating me in a war of survival. I was at a loss. I felt shame. Where could I turn?

I thought that maybe the most obvious answer was the one I was ignoring. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a knife confident that when I returned the mocking laughter and the cold stare of a missing rabbit head would be gone and replaced with a change in momentum and he WOULD FEEL MY WRATH!

I approached the tastey animal slowly, almost menacingly brandishing a knife in my right hand with an evil smerk on my face. I sat down slowly and pressed the knife to a portion of the rodent’s body. Then more pressure… and then a bit more… and then I stood up for more pressure as there was no effect on the rabbit and before I knew it I was hacking and chopping wildly at this cute piece of candy just looking for a weakness. My rage was increasing as I could imagine his evil laughter again. I continued looking for a chip in his armour…. There was none.

So here I sit with a delicious piece of chocolate in front of me and no way of enjoying it. I have been defeated by a candy animal. I come to you, the Vomiteers, hoping that someone, anyone, will know how I can have my revenge and devour this evil creature before he is able to devour my entire being with his taunting nature. Please. I beg of you. Help me.

I’ll be sure to thank my girlfriend for this gift. It has brought me so much joy. It’s the thought that counts… Bull! Sometimes I wonder if this is some kinda of conspiracey between this evil creature and my girlfriend. They’re plotting against me to get me out of the way so they can be together and live happy headless lives with each other. Well, I won’t let that happen. I WON’T!

I think this thing is starting to make me crazy…