Some Jokes That Made Me Laugh Today

*Q. Who is Michael Jackson’s favorite poet?
A. Emily Dick-in-son

*Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

*Q. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken

*Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it’s too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

*Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, “I have good news and bad news”
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, “They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time.”
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, “I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility.”

This Is Good?

I’m not sure how much attention any of you pay to the radio but if you listen with any sort of attentiveness you’ve probably heard those little blurbs that come on every now and then telling you who owns the station you’re listening to. The ones that say something like, “you’re listening to CFAG FM, A Clear Channel Communications company.” They’re pretty forgettable I’ll admit but I’ve noticed a new one on some stations recently that’s a little bit different. All it says is “your radio station is a standard radio station.” Just think about that for a second. How many people are going to know what that means? I do because I follow the industry a little bit and I’ve heard of Standard Radio Group but I’m pretty sure that for the average Joe Public, that isn’t going to mean much, other than that well, it’s a standard radio station, just like the rest of them.

Now who’s going to hear that and think thank God, a standard radio station! Finally something different! That and it just sounds stupid. They might as well just redo the whole thing so it sounds something like this.

“While all those other radio stations are falling all over themselves trying to win you over with the most music, the best variety and the hottest mix, we’re just like, here and stuff, because your radio station is a standard radio station and well, we really don’t care that much.”

Considering the state that radio is in these days for the most part, I wouldn’t be bragging about being standard. Seriously, somebody should be fired for that ad and somebody else should be fired for letting it slip through.

Steve’s Checking Stats Again

I’ve got a few things that I want to write about tonight so look for more stuff from me later on this evening if my head keeps on not aching like it is right now. Before I get to writing any of that stuff down though it’s time to hit the hit counter and look at how some of you are getting here.

02 Jan, Fri, 15:10:46
Google: “
vomit comet” tickets

Tickets? We sell tickets to visit here? I didn’t know this before but now that I do, I have to ask, Matt, where’s my share of the money, ya stingy prick?

03 Jan, Sat, 11:41:48
Yahoo:
0ld fishing lures

I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m curious. Maybe the 0 is supposed to be an O which would mean old fishing lures, but why would you need to look for those? If anybody has a clue, hit up the comment board or shoot me an
email.

05 Jan, Mon, 12:55:15
Google: “
pierre mcguire” idiot

That one’s for the hockey people. Certainly a debatable point.

From the What The Fuck Department comes this entry.

07 Jan, Wed, 08:05:44
Google:
hockey vomit

Um yeah ok. For once, I’m actually lost for words.

And finally, you knew it had to happen,

07 Jan, Wed, 14:11:13
Google:
naked pictures of randy orton

You have no idea how many of those searches I’ve left out when doing these things. Thankfully Matt already served up the goods on Mr. Orton yesterday so check it out if you haven’t done so already. I can see why so many people are looking for it, it’s a beast for sure.

Back later.

The Comet Comes Through For The Fans Again!

Well… when our fans ask for something… we run out and we get it for you. Here are some things that you people have been searching for and we are proud to provide you with links to get you exactly what you want… well maybe more accurately what you need.

First you asked for Randy Orton’s penis. Hey! Who am I to judge?

You also wanted to see everyone’s favourite Maple Leaf, Matt Stajan nude. Well who doesn’t i guess.

Once again Vomit Comet gives its fans the help they need. And y’know what? We’re proud to do it.

Aww.. I’ll Do It Tomorrow…

Hey all,
Well here it is. Dec 6 and I’m finally getting around to writing something for you. First of all. Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a good holiday. I had a great Christmas and an even great week following that for a wide array of reasons… none of which are really any of your business.

On Saturday I went with “someone” to the CN Tower as they’d never been there before cuz they live out of town. I’ve been to this thing a bunch of times and happen to think after the first visit, it’s a gigantic waste of time AND MONEY to ever go again but being the gentleman that I am I offered to take her, and pay.

Let me elaborate on why I think its such a waste of time. IT’S A BIG FREAKIN’ POLL! You go up super high, look out the window, go “wow, that’s pretty high. hyuck!” and go back down. Don’t get me wrong. I think you gotta do it once if you’re ever in T.O. but it’s not something that you need to do again. I know people who go every time they come here… we’re talking like 5 or 6 times a year. It’s still just a big poll.

I went for the first time when I was probably around 8 or 9 or something with my Aunt and Uncle and I had a great time. It was really cool. You can see for a long way, check out the lights if you’re up there at night and there’s some other neat little displays. I loved it. I just don’t see why you would want to do it more than once. Yet, since i have so many friends from out of town, I seem to end up there at least once a year. Anyway…

The line is absolutely insane which i’m not sure if I should be surprised about. It was a Saturday afternoon but it was towards the end of the holiday season so you wouldn’t think there’d be that many tourists still around. And besides, what American consciously goes to ‘ICE COLD” Canada in the winter. I got up to the counter and there are only two of us – myself and my “date”. Now, they have an arcade and a theatre and lazer tag and shit and we weren’t in to that. We just wanted the package that got you up to the observation deck and the lookout and glass floor and stuff. So that’s the package she gave us… Without all that extra stuff IT STILL WAS CLOSE $100!!! Absolute craziness.

So you start walking through these different displays and stuff on your way over to the elevators as its all set up pretty nicely. I wasn’t paying much attention since, as I said earlier, I’ve seen them all a bunch of times but she was taking them all in so it was alright. We round this corner and some preppy woman who works there yells “SMILE!” and FLASH!!! she fries our retinas with a picture we didn’t ask for, agree to, or particularly want. I don’t enjoy having my picture taken PERIOD. So I don’t really enjoy having complete strangers take a picture of me to hang in the gift shop for me to go and BUY later. I brought a camera, thanks!

No matter how many times I go to the Tower, I always seem to enjoy the trip up… especially watching those who have never done it. You’re travelling at about 55km per hour strait upwards and you can feel it the hole time. And I love the windy days (which this was) because the tower sways. I mean you’re standing in a big giant rod pointed strait in to the air so the entire tower sways while you’re in it a bit because of the wind. So you’re going strait upwards at 55km/h and swaying and there’s always one woman who looks like she’s gonna throw up or scream or something…. and they’re my entertainment for the trip.

So, I’ve been pretty cynical up until this point about the trip but once you’re up there with someone who’s never been there before.. it usually gets a bit better as you can tell they’re enjoying it. The lines, the money, they annoying picture taking is all behind you and you can at least try to enjoy yourself. We went outside and walked around the deck… took a few pictures of the scenery, ourselves, people that we thought looked funny.. just whatever we felt like. Then we went to the next floor… or the glass floor and boy do I got something to say about that!

For those of you who have never been to the Tower they have something called the Glass Floor which is actually a really really cool idea. You walk out on to this part of the floor which is all glass and see through so you’re looking down at the ground as you walk around. It’s supposed to give the elusion of walking on air or freak people out or whatever. it’s something different for everyone. Some people will go out and lay down on their stomachs to simulate a free fall, some sit on it, some just walk around, and others sneak up behind their nervous significant others and press down on their shoulders to try and freak them out. It’s something different for all and it really is a great idea…. if you weren’t allowing retards up there.

In some people there seems to be a mentality of “I wonder what the stupidest thing I could do right here would be…”. Well that of course is to jump on the glass floor and try and break it.

Don’t get me wrong because I don’t for a second think that the CN Tower and the engineerers that designed this thing didn’t take that into consideration and design it to withstand more weight and force then this group of human beings could put on it so it’s not a nerves thing and thinking it will break. It’s an annoyance thing.

There’s nothing more irritating than walking on this thing and trying to take pictures or talk then having kids jump and stomp on it all around you. Scratch that… yes there is something more annoying and that would be the teenagers and young adults doing it. What baffles me even more is WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN? If SOMEHOW you do break it you’re going to fall like a kilometer out of the sky on to some guy’s hood and your’e not gonna feel like stomping anywhere. I mean it’s not like it will shatter and you’ll go “yup, i did it” it will be more like you die and your friends will go “yup, he’s an idiot.”

Like I said, it’s not going to break but I just don’t understand what you’d have to be thinking to try to jump as high as you can and land on it hoping to be the one true retard who finally breaks it.. cuz in the long run it’s gonna be the one laughing.

So we walked around a bit more and when we had had enough of the decay of society all crammed in to one giant silo we decided to leave. Keep in mind that they have up elevators and down elevators meaning you go down in a different one you came up in. Guess where the down elevators let you out? Yup! right in the giftshop. How convenient right? Well sort of except that it’s a bloody maze and unless you buy something you will never find the exit. To be fair… not EVERYTHING was wildly over price… just most of it. We did find a very nice CN tower stuff bear thing that wasn’t heinously over priced that you could then take to the counter, pay for and THEN the people who work there and more than happy to show you where the exit is. (it’s up the stairs around to the left of the elevators if you ever go!)

So, all in all it wasn’t bad other than those select few who would like to dive a mile and a half to their death on Front Street below. Like I said, if you’ve never been it’s worth it…. but if you’ve seen it I don’t know why you’d wanna go back. Take a ladder on your roof if you just wanna say I was up high today.

Sorry

Sorry about the lack of content around here this last little while. Still kind of getting back to normal after the holidays and trying to deal with a few things that need dealing with. I’ll hopefully be able to start posting more of the crap you all know and love real soon. Until then, well, I’m not really sure, just do something. Just be sure to stick with us, I’m sure we’ll be back to the way we were before the holidays in no time.

You People Scare Me More And More Each Day

03 Jan, Sat, 09:26:00
Google:
her mouth Permanently-open getting fucked

Who is she? Why can’t she close her mouth? Who is she getting fucked by, a dentist? I know if my mouth was permanently stuck open that’s one of the first people I’d be calling. What the hell is wrong with you people anyway? Oh well, it’s easy material for me, but even so, you’re still weird.

Rules Of Boozing

I know I should have posted this before everybody went out to ring in the new year but since I didn’t see it before then and since this is something that every self-respecting drinker should carry with them year round anyway, here they are,
the rules of boozing
provided by people who know what they’re talking about. Read them, learn them, respect them, abide by them. This may be one of the most important things you’ll ever read, other than everything here that is.

Enough Topic Changes To Make Your Head Spin

It’s been a few days since I’ve said anything and right now I’ve got some time to write so here I am. This might be the last time you hear from me this year because the annual Newyears Eve extravaganza officially kicks off today. Yeah, I know the holiday isn’t until Wednesday but there are people who are coming in from out of town who can’t stay for the big one so we’re going to have a little one instead. Then everybody else shows up and the big one starts and it has potential to carry on until Sunday. So long liver, it’s been good to know ya.

Speaking of parties, I was honoured to be ranked number 3 on Matt’s top 5 parties of the year list. That August party was a really great time and I’m not sure how the upcoming shindig is going to be able to top it but all we can do is try and hope for the best. On my own personal list that party would be right near the top, its only really close competition being the ringing in of 2K3, and only then because that party was longer. August had more people and more crazy shit happened but there’s just something about the last Newyears party that makes me look back on it with happy fuzzy memories. So either of those parties could be number 1 for me, but we’re all just not good enough for Matt so we’re only number 3. Then again, I’m not going to the Olympics either. Maybe if I bought a ticket, but unless it’s the Fat Fuck Olympics it just ain’t gonna happen so I’ll just be happy with number 3.

At every party, there is music and the party on your computer we’re having right now is no different, so lets talk music for a minute or 2.

First of all, there are no Notes From The Tone Deaf over on
Salty Ham
this week. I thought about doing up a little something for today because I ended up with slightly more time than I thought I was going to but I realized before I even got started that whatever I wrote would suck and the idea I had for a column wasn’t topical anymore seeing as Christmas had to go and fall on the 25th which totally didn’t work with my schedule at all. Why couldn’t Santa have his birthday some other time? Maybe he’s reading this now and he’ll change it for next year.

Crazy In Love?!?! Song of the summer?!?! Matt, you are such a…oh forget it. Making fun of you for that is just too easy and too predictable. I’ve got no gripes with the rest of the top 5 and if that shitty Crazy In Love song had to be in there, at least it was number 4 and it beat out something that’s not even a single yet. To be honest, I can’t even remember what that song sounds like, nothing stands out about it at all, other than its complete shittiness.

Here are my own top 5 songs of the year, just to show Matt how this is supposed to work. Sure the rest of his list was fine but the inclusion of that 1 song shows me that he’s not quite there yet. Same rules apply here as in Matt’s list. The songs aren’t all from this year, they’re just the songs that I either started to like after a long time, stuff that came out this year that wasn’t ass, or songs that I rediscovered my love for.

5. The Best Deceptions – Dashboard Confessional
I’m not a huge fan of Dashboard, but there’s just something about this song that I like. The writing is great for a winey song, and it’s a fun song to sing when you’ve got a friend around who knows how to play guitar. If you’ve heard that song and are thinking “he’s gotta be shitting me, ain’t no way he can sing that song,” you’re wrong, I can actually do it. It’s not as good as the original, but for somebody like me, it’s pretty impressive even if I do say so myself. A few other people have also said so themselves, but this isn’t about me, wait, yes it is, forget it.

4. Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
When Jack White isn’t out
beating the fuck out of other musicians,
he’s making some mighty fine music. I almost put their cover of “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” in this spot but I can’t even remember how long Army was stuck in my head.

3. Mr. Brownstone – Guns N Roses
Yeah yeah yeah, the song’s old, so what? Who’s list is this anyway? I’ve never been a diehard GNR fan, but they’ve done a lot of stuff that I like and until sometime this year, this was one of those songs that was always in the back of my mind, but one that I never really thought about. I can’t remember what prompted me to listen to it again but am I ever glad I did.

2. Just Because – Jane’s Addiction
When I heard that they were putting out a new album after 13 or so years away from the scene my first thought was, they’ve been gone that long? But after hearing “Just Because,” I’m glad they’re back. There wasn’t much out there on commercial radio this year that had the kind of punch that this song has. Well other than…

1. Cochise – Audioslave
What can I say, I just love this song. Everything about it is great. It’s hard, the music is great, Chris Cornell is in it, and it gave radio a nice good kick in the ass, even if it didn’t end up meaning anything in the long run because they stopped playing it in favour of the more mellow Audioslave tracks that have come out since. This is just such a great song. No more needs to be said.

Honourable Mentions
Just a few songs that didn’t make the list.
Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet, just not the shitty live one they did for
Rolling Stone.
Barenaked Ladies – Another Postcard
The Offspring – Hit That, fuck you Matt, it’s a good song.
The Strokes – New York City Cops, song is a couple years old, but I like it anyway. Ok, so I discovered it last year, but lots of people might not have heard it because it was pulled off of their album after September 11th. Go find the song, it’s a good one.
The Longest Time – Billy Joel, this is going to make sense to like 3 people, but again, who’s list is this?

Well that was fun wasn’t it? Hey, I heard that! Now we’re going to quickly switch topics again before I get out of here for the time being. Just a couple of site things. First of all, as of this writing, we have had a total of 3187 hits on this site since the middle of October when we started it, and a disturbing number of them seem to be obsessed with the size of Randy Orton’s genitalia and naked pictures of hockey players. Thanks for all the hits and feel free to keep them coming, even if you’re a penis loving wack job.

The other thing I wanted to do was to thank all of you for reading this stuff every day, or every week, or whenever you show up here. Without all of you, well, we’d probably still be doing this, only for less people. It’s cool to know we’ve got an audience though, even if it’s not the biggest or sometimes the smartest one.

A big thanks also goes out to the people who linked to us, especially the ones that we didn’t have to beg. And a special thanks to Roland, or Not Roland, whatever he’s calling himself these days for all of the kind words and for the swank writing job over at
Salty Ham.
It means a lot when complete strangers enjoy your work and actually take the time to tell you so. Gees, I’m getting emotional.

On that happy note, let’s end this thing before something pisses me off and I ramble on about it for another 15 pages.

Happy Newyear all, I’ll see ya when I see ya.