Vomit Comet

I’m a firm believer in the idea that in a lot of cases, therapy is a waste of time and money. I’m one of those people who likes to try to solve my own problems and whenever possible, try to find reasons for why I am who I am today. Last night I was able to do such a thing and I just had to mention it, all in the name of sharing.

Last night I got thinking about my social life, specifically the fact that getting girls has never come easy for me. Don’t get me wrong, I can do it, it’s just that I’ve never been one of those people who can pick up with the greatest of ease or who had girls falling all over themselves for a chance to be with him. I did however have a lot of friends like that and to be honest, I’m not sure how they did it. They were nice enough guys and everything but a lot of the time I thought that I was nicer, or smarter, or funnier, or all 3, though probably not as good looking, which is certainly part of the problem since people as a rule are shallow pricks. Wow, feel the happiness. It’s true though, people are so rapped up in the look of things that they completely miss the personalitymost of the time and then wonder why they can’t find anybody who will treat them well and make them happy. I’ve got news for you, deeper people are out there, they’re the ones you bitch to constantly about all of your shitty relationships. But ok, let’s get back on topic here.

I realized yesterday that my marginal success with girls isn’t a new thing, or something I had to grow into. It started almost immediately from birth. Let me explain.

I come from a family of 3 children, of which I am the oldest. As a baby, I was fed by bottle. My younger brother and sister on the other hand were both breast fed. Now stop and think about that for just a second. My mother didn’t try the breast feeding experiment on me, her first born son and then realize it wasn’t for her and switch things up for the next kid, she bottle fed me and let the other 2 have at the boobs. That’s like the ultimate form of rejection. I mean if your own mother, the person who gave you life won’t let you suck on her tits even for the purpose of nourishing you, what are the odds that some stranger you meet later in life is gonna let you do it just for the hell of it? They’re not very good, that’s for sure.

Now aren’t you glad you read that all the way to the end? I wonder how many people thought that I was getting all deep on them there, come on now, be honest.

I think that the penny should be phased out. It serves no practical purpose that I can think of. Vending machines won’t take them, penny candy all costs at least a nickel these days, you can’t make change for them, hell, I even read somewhere that every penny costs 2 cents to make, meaning that every penny you spend is a money losing venture, what’s the point of keeping them around? All they do is annoy frustrate and confuse.

Just think of all the aggravation that would be avoided by getting rid of them. For one thing we could finally round the prices of things up to the nearest dollar instead of that $4.99 shit that stores try to pull on us to make things seem cheaper than they are. I mean come on, does that ever actually work? Have you ever had this conversation with somebody?

You: “Wow, I can’t believe you paid 500 bucks for that!”
Other Person: “I didn’t pay that much, it only cost me $499.99, it was a bargain!”

I don’t think that’s ever happened in the history of the world.

But what about taxes you protest. Wouldn’t they screw up this whole rounding up thing? Just think about Canada, the tax on everything is 15 percent and that’s an odd number. Fair point, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got that covered too. I’m no math major so if this wouldn’t actually work let me know, just be nice about it. You’d have to change the amount of taxation on everything, my vote is for decreasing it to 10 percent, the government doesn’t need that much money on every pack of gum you buy, they’re bleeding you dry in countless other ways every single day, they’ll survive.

And under my plan, you’d never have to stand at a checkout counter waiting for 1 cent in change ever again and you’d never again have to suffer the humiliation of coming up 7 cents short on an item that is priced at something stupid like $3.46. Everything would cost a dollar, or 5 dollars, or 8 dollars, always even. No more checkout people who can’t count to 20 without taking off their shoes screwing up your change, no more standing behind the old lady digging through her purse to come up with exact change when she’s got a 5 in her hand, no more of your wallet making your pants fall down because it’s so stuffed full of bullshit change that you can’t ever use for anything, none of that will be a problem anymore. The more I think about this, the better it sounds.

But I do understand that no plan is perfect and this one is no different. There would be some minor disadvantages associated with doing something this radical and there would certainly be some changes we would all have to make.

For instance, you wouldn’t be able to offer anybody a penny for their thoughts anymore, but that’s ok. I find that most of the time when I do that I’m left wanting my money back anyway so no big deal there.

You wouldn’t be able to toss a penny in a wishing well anymore but again, that’s ok. Those things never work. For years I’ve been wishing that the next guy to use the well would fall in, it’s never happened, not once. It’s just a big cash grab for the mall and they’re fooling all of us. Don’t let them win.

So you see, all of these changes are very insignificant and I don’t think that they would really impact anybody’s quality of life in a truly negative way. And even if there is some minor inconvenience, it’s nothing compared to the back problems that women everywhere will eventually face from carrying around purses full of loose change.

I think we should all unite and start a movement. We should all write to our world leaders and demand the banishment from society of the penny and all currency like it. Spread the word to your friends and have them do the same. Either that or we should all just watch hockey and do nothing. Either way, the penny’s gotta go.