If I Told You You Had Alcohol In Your Beautiful Body, Would You Get Into My Official Looking Car Under Threat Of Arrest?

Michael Myers might want to consider working on the art of picking up chicks a little more.

The 32-year-old Kentucky man is facing a felony charge of impersonating a police officer after an incident early Saturday morning during which he attempted to get a woman into his car, threatening her with jail if she didn’t comply.

The attempt was broken up by some suspicious firefighters who questioned Myers, then detained him and called police when his story didn’t seem to add up.

Now for the best part.

In his car, they even found a very official looking fake badge that says Louisville police on it.  Myers’ badge identified him as an “official boob inspector” from the department of titillations.

Even though it may have been intended as a joke, police say it looked real at first glance. And they believe Myers’ intentions were no laughing matter.

You can read the full article
here,
and post wacky prison related pick-up lines below should the mood strike you.

>Maniac In The Making, Or Imaginative Gun Nut?

>I’m completely conflicted about this story. Steven Barber was in a creative writing course at Wise College. He was asked to write a short story. He did, and it was full of talk of suicide and murder, with some Virginia Tech references sprinkled in there. Oh, and the dude who got murdered in his story had a name that was eerily similar to that of the professor. Not very smart, Steven, not very smart at all.

This raised an alarm, and they searched his room and found three guns, he was committed to the psych ward for the weekend, and he was expelled.

Ok, I understand the raising of alarms. I think that’s completely normal. But can we start with sitting him down and having a talk? I can even understand committing him to a psych ward because the name was so similar, and especially after they found the weapons in his room, even though he says he has a permit to carry concealed weapons…but did he need 3? Two of them semiautomatic? Without the guns and the professor’s name similarity, I wouldn’t have even agreed with them about the psych ward.

Where I get weirded out is the part about expulsion from the school. They can say all they want that they’re protecting the rest of the students by kicking him out, but unless they bar him from living in or visiting the city, he could still come back to campus and shoot people. I don’t see how expelling him is helping anybody, and I totally see how it’s hurting freedom of speech. Ever since Virginia Tech, there have been cases where students have said something that was politically unpopular, and they have been treated as a clear and present danger on mental health grounds.

Add to that the fact that there has been this desire to scrutinize everyone’s blogs and facebook pages for signs of people coming unglued. I know the pages are up there for all to see, but the idea of a committee in place whose sole purpose is to be internet Big Brother gives me the creeps.

I know people are trying to learn from Virginia Tech. But spotting trouble isn’t as easy as reading one piece of writing. It has to be over time, and it has to show up in lots of ways, not just in writing. And people have to realize that if enough people get punished for publishing such things, they won’t write things like that anymore, and someone who might have broadcast signs of trouble before just won’t give us any warning. Now,is that any better?

We have to strike a balance somehow, or free speech will be a thing of the past, even more so than it already is.

On the other hand, if he were the teacher, none of this would have happened.

Up The Creek, Even With A Paddle

I’m sure most of you reading these words already know this, but for the benefit of everybody else, here’s a helpful tip from your friends at Vomit Comet World HQ.

If your plan is to get drunk with some friends and then take a stolen canoe out for a joyride, it’s a good idea to make sure you can swim, just in case the thing happens to
capsize before the fun is over.

It’s too late for this reminder to help young Christopher Mayo, but maybe I can save those of you who might consider copying him. Then again, if you’re at all considering that, forget everything I just said. Have fun, knock yourself out, we’ll take care of the world while you’re gone.

I Hope These Kids Aren’t Home Schooled

How this woman’s children have lived to be 16 and 21 and how she made it all the way to 43 are a complete mystery to me, but it’s another example of my long held belief that
you can’t kill the truly stupid.

Woman Hurt Stepping Out of Moving Car

According to the Saline County Sheriff’s Office, 43-year-old Lori Baxter hit her head on the ground as she was exiting a car that was travelling at about ten miles-per-hour.

The incident happened in the 4800 Block of Smolan Road at around 5:45 Saturday night. Baxter’s 16-year-old daughter was driving, and a 21-year-old daughter was also in the car. She was apparently trying to prove to them that the car was not moving too quickly to exit.

Baxter was transported to Salina Regional Health Center with a head injury, and then transferred to a Wichita hospital.

I wonder how they could tell the difference between the new head injury and the one that caused her to do something like that?

Quiet Car Legislation

A little while ago, I talked about hybrid cars and their dangers. Now, there’s apparently a bill going through the house of representatives that if passed, would legislate that all hybrid cars make a minimal amount of noise. Apparently sighted joggers, bikers, etc. are getting ker smucked by them too because they expect to hear noise from a car coming up behind them, don’t, and crash! Here is the text I was sent. It was sent by a representative of the NFB. I know I can’t do anything, but any American readers can feel free to urge their representative to cosponsor this bill if they are so inclined.

Fellow federationists:

I wanted to let you know the latest on our Quiet Cars legislation, HR 5734. We currently have thirty Members of the House of Representatives listed as cosponsors, and Congressmen Towns and Stearns have sent a letter to Congressman John Dingell, Chair of the Committee on Energy and Commerce, asking for hearings on this bill.

We must increase our cosponsor support on this legislation to show Chairman Dingell that this issue is important to members of the House. The Members of Congress will be leaving for the Memorial Day recess on Friday May 23rd. I would like us to have fifty cosponsors before the recess starts, so I am urging you to call your member of Congress and ask him or her to join as a cosponsor of HR 5734. You can be connected to your member of Congress by calling the capitol switchboard at (202) 225-3121.

I have included a news article and a link below, which shows exactly why this legislation is needed. Thankfully there were no serious injuries in this case. I have also included a list of the thirty cosponsors on the bill. Thank you all in advance for your work on this important matter.

Please contact me with any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Jesse M. Hartle
Government Programs Specialist
NATIONAL FEDERATION OF THE BLIND
Telephone: (410) 659-9314, extension 2233
E-mail: jhartle@nfb.org
JMH/wmb

Link to news story below
– Where you will also find a video.

Boy hit by hybrid car; mom says he didn’t hear it coming

It was something that had never occurred to Jane Flannigan, until she got the call Sunday that her eight-year-old son had been hit by a car while biking with a friend.

Owen Erickson was not badly hurt, though he did end up on the hood of the car. But when the car’s driver moved his Toyota Prius from the street to the curb, Flannigan noticed something. “I saw the car, but I could not hear anything,” she recalled about the hybrid vehicle which was operating on battery power at the time. “It is totally silent.”

That’s when it dawned on Flannigan, Owen never heard the Prius before he cut in front of it. “Bikers, runners, anybody out on the street, I think it’s a huge safety issue,” she said.

She’s not the only one. Last month legislation was introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives that could eventually require hybrids to emit a minimum amount of noise.

It’s a priority piece of legislation for the National Federation of the Blind, which believes Hybrids pose a real threat to those who rely on noise from cars to keep themselves safe.

“These quiet cars that are very difficult to hear in the normal flow of everyday outdoor activity play a safety hazard,” says Jennifer Dunnam, president of the NFB’s Minnesota affiliate. “Blind people depend on their hearing to know what the traffic is doing.”

Toyota has not taken a position on the legislation, but is aware of the concerns behind it. “We do have to step back and take a look,” said John Hanson, Toyota’s national manager of environmental, safety and quality communications. The Prius ranks third among Toyota models in sales, behind Camry and Corolla, according to Hanson.

Flannigan doesn’t blame the driver of the Prius for running into her son, since Owen biked out in front of his car but she does cut her son some slack. “We’re conditioned to hear car noises,” she says. “This is a big safety issue.”

****
Cosponsors of HR 5734:
AK Congressman Young-R
AR Congressman Boozman-R
AZ Congressman Grijalva-D
CA Congressman Filner-D, Congresswoman Linda Sanchez-D
FL Congresswoman Brown-D, Congressman Stearns-R Original Sponsor), Congresswoman Wasserman Schultz-D
GA Congressman Bishop-D, Congressman Lewis-D
GU Congresswoman Bordallo-D
IL Congresswoman Schakowsky-D
MA Congressman McGovern-D
MD Congressman Wynn-D
MN Congressman Ellison-D, Congresswoman McCollum-D, Congressman Walz-D
MS Congressman Taylor-D
NC Congressman Butterfield-D, Congressman Price-D
NM Congressman Pearce-R
NY Congresswoman Maloney-D, Congressman Rangel-D, Congressman Towns-D (Lead Sponsor)
OR Congressman Blumenauer-D
PA Congressman Robert Brady-D
PR Congressman Fortuno-R
VA Congressman Goode-R
VT Congressman Welch-D
WA Congressman McDermott-D
WY Congresswoman Cubin-R

So there you go. If you don’t see your representative on there and you would like to, you know what to do! I really really really hope this goes through. It could save quite a few people, blind and sighted alike.

I’m Not Sure What’s Weirder, The Actions Or The Reporting Of The Actions

I’m having one of those there has to be more to the story moments here.

By all accounts, Matthew Evans was a pretty bright kid. Good grades, involved in lots of different activities, well liked by those around him. So it makes no sense that the following line would appear in an article about him.

Evans died Wednesday at a St. Louis hospital after sustaining massive head trauma Tuesday night. Police said he “belly-flopped” onto the hood of his best friend’s passing car, flying head-first onto the pavement after the driver slammed on the brakes.

That wouldn’t be nearly as odd if the words suicide attempt or ones similar to them appeared in the article, but they don’t. There’s not even any mention of an ongoing investigation. It’s just what a nice guy, this is how he would have wanted things, and oh by the way he died in a completely ridiculous fashion.

If somebody could help me out by doing the media’s job for them I would love that person forever, because I’m really confused right now.

Calling All Grammarians

For some reason, one sentence in
this little news story
has been driving me nuts since Sunday. Why no, I do not have a life, why do you ask?

Anyway, read this and see if anything strikes you as odd.

The cyclist was ejected from the bike and suffered injuries to his lower left leg, scrapes and bruises.

There are 2 things wrong with this, 3 if you count the horrible grammar displayed by people who are paid to know better.

1. It’s sad that the poor lad’s scrapes and bruises were injured in the accident. Where exactly are the scrapes and bruises located on a human body anyway, I can’t seem to find mine.

2. Maybe I’m wrong or making a big deal out of nothing, but how can you be ejected from something that you weren’t inside of? I’ve heard of being ejected from a car or a bus or what have you, but never from a bike. To me it’s like saying that you were ejected from the roof rather than that you fell from it while doing repairs. and how many suicides have you heard of being caused by ejecting oneself from a bridge? Are the terms thrown from and ejected interchangeable now? I’ve seen thrown from used in place of ejected as in “he was thrown from the vehicle,” but never the other way around as in the example above, and for some reason it looks really weird.

Feel free to tell me to go outside now.

The Sahara What Now?

I haven’t posted a really stupid joke in a while and this one just hit my email so I think it’s time to fix that.

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a stumpy little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the stumpy little man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The little man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back,

“Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

Lessons You Shouldn’t Need To Learn

Bonnie Ashley says she wasn’t dumb, she was desperate when she got married 11 times, each ending in divorce, and the last three marriages/divorces were with the same man. But I can’t help but disagree with her. Let’s look at a few choice quotes from the desperate woman herself.

“I was desperate, not dumb,” Ashley says. “I was taught that a man took care of you. So each time I didn’t have one, I heard, ‘Old Maid!’ “That’s what my dad called any single woman over 25.”

And that’s not dumb? How about

She’ll never marry again, she says. “I’ll sleep around, but that’s all.”

Or

“Here’s why women should read my book,” she says. “So they understand what can happen if you marry someone you really don’t know.” It’s a lesson she recently learned.

I’ve got news for ya. The smarter of us already learned this lesson long ago. And the not so smart won’t learn from reading your book, if they read it.

I haven’t hit the bottom of the stupidity barrel. There’s

Even after the 11 marriages and divorces, she asked this last guy (the one she kicked out of the house two weeks ago) to ask her to marry him. She did this only a few weeks after they met. He refused. With your track record, he told her, I’d have to know you for a long time. “It was such a rude awakening,” she says. He moved in for a while, moved out, then came back until she finally kicked him out. “Someone had to force me to learn how not to want to get married,” she says.

Ya don’t say! And here’s the final pearl of…what? Idiocy? Yeah.

“The only difference now is I don’t want to be married just to be married,” she says. “I need to get to know you first.”

Well I should hope so. Welcome aboard the train of logic. You’re only 32 years too late.

You can tell the reporter doesn’t think too much of her, or is completely aghast at the jaw-dropping stupidity before him. I know I am. It’s pretty spectacular when someone is so stupid that she doesn’t even know she’s stupid and wants to write a book revealing detailed accounts of her stupidity. But maybe she’ll end up just like William Topaz McGonagall and people will love her to death.