For The Land Of The Flat, And The Home Of The Tone-Deaf

Holy crap, I’m writing a hockey post. No, steve didn’t hack into my account and write this one. Well, I lied, it’s not really about hockey. It’s about the caterwauling of the national anthems that came before the December 6th game between the Leafs and the Rangers. To summarize, good god it was horrible.

It was sung by Dominic Chianese. Who the hell is that? Apparently he played Uncle Junior, whoever that is, on the sopranos. By the way he sang these suckers, he should stick to acting.

He started off with O Canada, and all I could picture was a conductor madly trying to keep him in rhythm! 1! 2! 3! 4! No, you’re off again! Get the man a metronome. It made me think of the disaster that happened when I was in the high school band and we played at the town’s remembrance day ceremony. We accompanied a man as he sang God Save the Queen. Well, we all finished, and then we heard the singer sing, “The queen.” One lone tuba tried to save us and accompany him again, but…well…it was too little too late.

Then there was the American national anthem. Oh lordy. We could just tell it was going to go bad, very bad. But we had no idea of the magnitude until it hit us. We were bracing for it in the star-spangled banner part, and that was bad enough. But when he hit the land of the freee-ee-ee-eeee, that was crazy. It was like he was in about four keys and sounded like a squeaking clarinet all at once. I didn’t know a human voicebox could hit that many notes simultaneously. You know it’s bad when Joe Bowen makes fun of it.

You know what really sucked? Nobody else we knew who are also big Leafs fans saw it. We asked a few different people, and they all missed it! Damn! Maybe good old Uncle Junior is hoping lots of people missed it too. Wow, what a trainwreck of an anthem that was.

Merry Barenaked Ladies Christmas

Look at me, on a Christmas jag.

Jen sent me the Barenaked Ladies Christmas album. I’d heard good things about it, so I was curious. Hell, it’s the Barenaked Ladies, it has to be good…right? Right? Wrong!

Well, it’s not horrible, not Barenaked Ladies Are Men horrible, but it doesn’t rock my socks off either. This is how I ranked the songs: kinda funny, ok, good, not half bad but kinda boring, blech!, mildly amusing, pretty, blech!, good, really good, blech!, pretty but creapy, pretty, that was stupid, cute, good god you wasted studio time on this?, super boring, kinda cute, blech and what’s with the ending, good. Confused yet? Let’s break it down.

The first song was Jingle Bells. You can’t really screw up Jingle Bells, and they didn’t. They even threw in the Jingle bells, Batman smells, 15 miles away bit. Hey, I got to hear clearly what some of the other verses were, so that’s always good.

The next song was called Green Christmas. It was an original, at least I think so. It’s funny. We get sick of the same Christmas songs, but if someone makes an original, it can be iffy. This one was just kinda there. I couldn’t get into the song at all.

Next was I Saw Three Ships. It was pretty, with mandolins and things, and they changed the rhythm up a bit. It was also a quick song, so you didn’t get sick of it.

Next was a song called Hanukkah blessings. It started off with potential. Then it quickly degenerated, and I found myself tuning it out.

When I heard the next song, it just about made me want to hurl! It was O Holy Night. I was all geared up for some beautiful Barenaked Ladies harmonies. Did I get that? Hell no! I got what sounded like a child at a recital with a cheap keyboard using preset accompanyments and trying to jazz it up! My god, sing! You can sing, do it!

After that horror was another original, at least I hadn’t heard it before. It was called Elf’s lament and Michael Buble sang with them. It wasn’t bad, and it sounded awesome after O Holy Shit back there.

Then there was another pretty song called Snowman. It was kinda lame, but hey, it’s a Christmas album, sometimes you just have to get lame. I thought woohoo, we’re on a role!

Nope, that would be too much to ask. They just had to cover the horror that is Do They Know It’s Christmas. Ug I hate that song. I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is about it, but it drives me friggin nuts. They did a fine job of covering it, because they made me hate it more. I just hate that attitude of thinking of those who have it worse off than you, but only to the extent that you should pity them and then happily gorge yourself on turkey. Fuck off. If you want to help, help. If you don’t, don’t. Sitting there and pitying people who don’t have what you have just makes you a dick. Um, where did that rage come from?

Then they did a catchy little tune called Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah that I could see myself snapping my fingers or whistling. It was pretty cool.

I think the next song was the best one on the album. They sang with Sarah McLachlan and did this medley of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings. I would have never thought about mashing those songs together, but they did, and they did it beautifully.

And then! Oh why oh why was I taken back to the child’s recital for a cheap rendition of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer? Puke! As soon as I heard the organs, I skipped the song!

Thankfully, they followed that up with something pretty, but creapy if you listen to it in headphones. They did this version of Carol of the Bells where the voices perpetually panned back and forth, making me dizzy. But it was pretty.

Next was another original called footprints. The melody was pretty, and I love the way the Barenaked ladies have this way of making the lines bleed together so the end of one starts another line. It’s neat.

And then. They sang the words Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young over and over and over to the tune of Deck the Halls. Dumb.

They redeemed themselves with this cute little sappy song called Christmas Time Oh Yeah. It just sorta gave you that warm and fuzzy feeling about Christmas.

But could that last? Nope. They had to clatter out a horrid version of Sleigh Ride that sounded like something you might do if you’re completely drunk and just want to belt out something christmassy. It didn’t even have words. It consisted of Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, boppa doppa dop, boppa doppa dop, bop. And so on. Maybe I’m just cranky, but gimme a break.

Then they thought they should throw in an original. Too bad they had to choose a bad one. Christmas pics? It was so boring I tuned out.

Next, they put on a song that made me giggle and feel like a little kid. How many Christmas albums have I Have a Little Dreidel on them? Not very many.

Aa! I’m back in the kid’s recital, and now the song is Wonderful Christmas Time. I know this song already sounds synthesized, but why did they have to make it worse? The melody is quacked out by what is trying to be…a muted trumpet? I think? and it’s too hard to listen to. It’s too bad they buried some singing in there, an acappela version of happy birthday dear jesus.

Mercifully, the album ended well. They did a nice vversion of Auld Lang-Syne. Sweet, I finally know how to spell that. If I had to guess, I wouldn’t even be in the ballpark.

So, I’m glad I heard the album, but I’m glad I didn’t buy it. It has some cool stuff, but some pretty crappy stuff too.

More Christmas Observations

Well, I survived the mall yesterday, and actually, I found that people weren’t the mindless zombies I was expecting. They were quite helpful, and in a matter of a couple of hours, I got almost everybody done. Woohoo! We may have ourselves a merry little Christmas after all, and not in the lonely sort of way.

I can’t believe the luck I was having yesterday. It’s not very often you can walk into a store, ask if they have something, and holy crap they have it, and at a good price too!

I saw something yesterday that cracked me up. Usually, when I walk into Sears and ask for help, I get helped, but it’s like the person isn’t happy about it. Once, I got led to an aisle full of what I wanted, and then the person was just going to leave me there. Um, if I can’t find the aisle, how am I going to pick out the thing I want from the aisle? But yesterday, when I asked for help to find the correct door outside the mall so I could get to a whole other plaza, the person was more than happy to help me. I can only think of two reasons why they were so eager. Either they were in the Christmas spirit, or they just love Trixie. I don’t know which it is, but I have noticed that people who are usually cranky cheer right up when they see theTrixter. Yep, she’s a charmer.

I had one more thought about Amazon that I didn’t mention yesterday. I’m convinced they’re creapy mind-readers. How else can I explain this? I was shipping something to someone, and I accidentally put my billing address in the shipping area. This address was different than the billing/shipping address they have on file. This is important. Realizing I screwed up, I went back, erased it, and put in where it was going. Then, when I went to put in my billing address, the address that I accidentally put in the shipping area materialized in the billing area. Not the address they had on file, but the address I just put in and then went and deleted. Creapy! I mean, it was what I wanted, but that’s just creapy!

That’s about it for now. Hope everybody’s getting their shopping done and not having to run around like mad things.

Ho Ho Holy Shit It’s Almost Christmas!

I just had a few Christmas thoughts, as I run around madly trying to get things done before I head to the land of dialup and choking computers. That’s still a few days away, but I have a lot to do!

Am I the only one who, as a kid, thought that song about “Have yourself a merry little Christmas” was a very lonely song? I pictured someone living alone, putting up decorations around their wee apartment, trying to feel festive even though they were all by themselves. Either that, or I thought it was a sarcastic, mean-hearted song. It was like people were saying “Yeah, you go ahead and have yourself a merry little Christmas, asshole. Don’t expect me to come knocking.” I completely expect to be going out on a limb on this one, but I had to ask.

Why is it that on every other occasion, someone’s birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, we say “happy birthday,” “happy easter,” etc. but Christmas is always a merry Christmas? When someone says “happy Christmas,” we look at them as if they are 2 and shake our heads! Why is that? The English language is a jerk.

I am so behind schedule on my Christmas shopping it’s ridiculous. So, on Thursday, I went to a few websites where I can usually find gifts for people. Oy yoy yoy! Why is it that when you’re running behind schedule, nothing is easy to find? If I have to see the words “out of stock, will ship when available,” “will ship in four-six weeks,” “Sold out!” or similar, one more time, I will cry. Also, here’s a message for amazon.com. The inability to ship a product across the border is not “a slight problem.” It’s a fucking deal-breaker! How about just telling me I’m shit out of luck. don’t have my hopes raised and then smashed to the floor and shattered. Ok, that was a little overdramatic, but I don’t care.

On another note for the Amazon folk: Why in hell do you insist on showing me what others have also bought *after* I’m checking out? When you show me that while I’m browsing, that’s fine, but when I say nope, I’m done shopping, you can stop showing me what the Joneses have also bought. I’m not trying to keep up with them. I’m just trying to buy a CD!

Also, that listmania and user reviews stuff can disappear right about now. Ug what a pile of clutter. Amazon has a lot of stuff, but good lord their store is annoying. They have a cleaned up, accessible version, but sometimes they skimp you on descriptions there. Yeah, because an image-free site is the place to skimp on description. Yup, that makes loads of sense.

I think I’m done complaining now. The only thing I wish for is for this month to slow the hell down! It’s only two weeks until Christmas and I don’t have anything for my whole family! Yep, I suck.

I hope others are having better Christmas shopping luck than I am. I’m off to the mall today, probably to get clobbered by backpack-laiden shoppers on a single-minded quest for that perfect thingamabob for Uncle Joe. Hope I can find some thingamabobs too.

Tell Me He Did Not Just Say That!

This is just funny. I never knew the closed captions were so inaccurate. Well, during the time of the Southern California fires, they really blew their comic relief load.

I read about this in Snopes, but since the silly folk didn’t caption their picture, I couldn’t laugh along. Luckily, Randy Cassingham thought enough of us blinks to write it out so we could read it.

Damn! Does this kind of stuff happen on a regular basis?

This Little Piggy Went Whine Whine Whine Whine Whine All The Way Home

Ok, there’s a minor league team in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The team is called the Iorn Pigs. They have a mascot. It’s name is Pork Chop. But apparently, it can be Pork Chop no more because that’s some kind of slur against Hispanics. Or maybe, just maybe, it refers to a pig, and the team name is iron pigs, so that’s all it is!

Man, people are way too sensitive. Had anyone else heard of this slur? If so, I sure have been living under a rock because I’d never heard of it. Tell me I’m not alone.

Christmas Is Coming, And There’s Not Enough Goose Fat

Ok. This is just dumb. Goose fat has been sold for years with nobody really buying a whole ton of it. But since some girl, Nigella Lawson whoever she is, got on a talk show and said it was the best way to add flavour to your roast potato, everybody wants some, including big companies like McCains. Then, bird flu hit, killing off a third of the geese used for the fat, and people are wondering how they’ll ever survive without it. Someone went as far as saying that they don’t think there will be a “goose fat crisis.”

I should hope not, it’s goose fat! It’s flavouring, and it’s only in short supply because some supposedly important person said it was good. People can get duck fat, or, horror of horrors, find other ways of making their meal taste good. God, people, have you nothing real to get worked up about?

It Gives Me the Shakes Just To Think About It

So, Bulgaria needs another nuclear reactor, and they think that a fine location would be right in an earthquake zone, the same earthquake zone where 120 people died in, um, an earthquake. But that earthquake never happened. Nope, nope. Never happened.

What are they trying to do, kill more people. I think saying that “Bulgaria has a poor safety culture” is a huge understatement, similar to saying that earthquake never happened.

Who’s Your Daddy?

Ok, this just sucks, and illustrates the point that if you agree to anything with any kind of importance, write it down and make everybody sign!

Back in the 80’s, a physician who worked in the same hospital as a lesbian couple who wanted to have a baby decided to help them out by donating some sperm. Orally, they decided that he was not going to have any parental rights or anything, these two were going to be the parents. But you know how good a verbal contract is, right? It’s not worth the paper it’s written on.

Now that that kid is going to college, since the guy sent some cards and gifts and kept distant contact, the lesbian couple is trying to get court to say he is the daddy so he can send support payments, and they’re succeeding, despite the fact that the court says this guy can’t ask for a paternity test. What?

The way I understand the story, they say that since the guy kept some contact and sent gifts, then he assumed some parental responsibilities, so now he should pay. Let me get this straight. Any older person who sent any kid a gift is saying they’re a second dad or mom?

I think this guy’s biggest mistake was putting his name on the kid’s birth certificate. That’s the only place where the court sort of has a case. If he’s going to state in a legal document that he’s the dad…well…he’s saying he’s the dad. But everything else is bull. How can people who say the guy has no parental rights when the kid is a kid now say this guy’s a parent when it’s convenient? It’s one way, or the other.

Ug. I don’t know what else to say, except what a mess.

Time For A Newsflash! We’re Not That Dumb!

I was reading the CNIB Insight newsletter that I somehow got subscribed to. I won’t unsubscribe because that newsletter told me about the talks phone deal that got me to get a new cell phone. But today’s newsletter was full of gems. It’s Christmas, so CNIB was in full begging mode, so much so that it was almost sickening. I’ve seen their reaction to funds raised. It’s not the most grateful. So it bugs the hell out of me to watch them beg.

But this gem was what got me to post. I lost the exact wording, damn computer and my deleting the newsletter, so I’ll have to paraphrase. There was a section called ask the expert where the question was what can I buy my family member with vision loss? The expert’s answer rambled on about the various over-priced products you can buy from their store if you don’t know how to shop around. Then, the expert whipped out the following gem. It went something to the effect of… without a talking watch, your family member could unknowingly get up and make breakfast at 3 a.m. or get dressed at 4 a.m.

Give me a fucking break! Does “the expert” actually think blinks are that stupid? Sure, some of us may not be able to see that it’s dark or light outside, but anyone older than 4 knows that when you wake up may not necessarily be time to rise and shine! There are other ways to tell what time it is! Turn on the TV or a radio for Christ’s sake! If you have a computer, check the time on it! For those who have some vision, look around!

Sure, the watch is important. I won’t deny that. But that example just makes us all out to be dumber than a box of rocks.