It Really Is An Idiot Box, Isn’t It?

Ok, I tried to write this post four months ago, and my computer made a meal out of it. Let’s try again. Hopefully I can still make the same points just as clearly.

I must be getting old because it’s getting harder to suspend disbelief and just swallow the plots of some stuff on TV. I look at stuff that wouldn’t have made me raise an eyebrow when I was younger and want to shut the thing off. In other cases, after watching something, I’m left feeling like my head just went through a centrifuge.

Let’s start with an example from the first category. As I was flipping around, I stumbled across an old episode of Star Trek the Next Generation. I’m probably going to bore a few people, but what the hell. it was the episode where Commander Maddox wants to rip open Data’s brain, analyze it, and try and make a new one based on what he’s learned from Data. But Data doesn’t think the guy knows what he’s doing so says nope, I’m not going to let you monkey with my wires and nuts and bolts and such. So Maddox says oh yes you are, Starfleet says so, to which Data says oh yeah? Well I’m quitting then. Then Maddox says you can’t quit, you’re a machine and you can’t quit. So they decide to bring in some kind of arbitration officer to look over the legality of the whole thing, and this is where it all goes to hell. She says that Data is property of Starfleet.

How is this even remotely logical? From what I remember, Data went to school just like everyone else did. They even made a big point of that in an other episode. So, unless everybody who went to the academy was made to sign something saying that they are from this day forward property of Starfleet and can be reverse-engineered and altered as Starfleet sees fit, he’s not property any more than the next officer. Just because he’s made out of steell, or whatever he’s made of, instead of organic matter is beside the point. the only way something can be property is if it’s bought and sold. But this point escapes everyone involved, and they have to have a whole trial to decide whether Data is a sentient being. This episode should have been killed at the point where they realize that nobody had the receipt for Data, so obviously he didn’t belong to anyone. But nobody thought of that, or they thought we just wouldn’t notice. I honestly feel stupid for not noticing this little detail the first time, or the next zillion times, I saw the episode.

The other thing I saw recently on TV that made my head spin was an episode of the Simpsons. If someone told me that it was written by Vince Russo, I wouldn’t be surprised. Let me try and remember how it went. Marge took the kids on a school trip and then Bart somehow ended up in the tank with the fish, or something. He got bitten, so they took him to the doctor. The doctor said he’d treat him as soon as he had Marge’s health insurance card. She said Homer had it, and couldn’t get a hold of him, so the doctor shackled Bart to the radiator until she could find him.

After hours of searching, she found him, I assume Bart got treated, and life continued. but because she had such trouble finding him, she said he needed a cell phone. He ran out and got one, along with a whole bunch of cellular gadgets. Soon, he was driving and talking, playing with some other toys, I think there was some kind of fog-machine involved, and…blub blub blub, into the ocean he went.

After the coastguard fished him out, they revoked his license. So, he had to walk everywhere. Because of this, he became a much healthier, happier man. He even sang, and got the whole family to go on walks, and it was a happy woo time…until…Marge ran him down one night when he was walking.

Oh sure, it looked like an accident at first. Marge was all apologetic, and did everything to take care of her incapacitated husband with a crushed pelvis. One day, she spilled a whole pot of hot soup on him. It slowly started to come out that she subconsciously hated him for not being able to drive and making her drive the kids everywhere, so her unconscious was trying to kill him. So the marriage counsellor told Homer he had to do something special for her, so he gathered up all his friends, and they had a banquet in her honour.

And that was the episode. What in hell was the point they were driving at? Was it don’t use cellphones? Was it walking is good for you? Maybe it was that Homer doesn’t do enough around the house. I honestly don’t know, and wonder if this episode was an anomaly, or if that is going to be the future style of the series. If so, ug.

So, am I getting square, or is TV getting stupid? Or is it a little of both?

A Few Doggy Tidbits

I have been thinking about a couple of really weird things that people have said to me since I got Trixie that make me shake my head.

This one was said to me way back when I first had her home, and I’ve been meaning to write it down and keep forgetting. There were a lot of trucks where I used to take Trixie to relieve. So, being all new and not sure what to do, I decided to go catch the bus and when I got to my appointment, find a place for her to go there. I got there, and I think this is how I asked the question: “I need to find a place for Trixie to go pee. Could you show me to an alley or something?”

“Oh! We can find much better than an alley!” the woman chirped, and started escorting us somewhere. I started to figure out that this was a bathroom. I said again that this was for the dog. “Oh! The dog! Oh ok! Let’s go outside then!” she said, changing direction.

Ok, I have to assume from that response that she somehow completely didn’t hear the dog part, and thought *I* wanted to pee in an alley! That’s the only conclusion I can reach. What a weirdo she must have thought I was, And what an incredible amount of restraint she showed to not say “Why do you want to pee in an alley?” At the very least, I would have thought, if she was confused, she would have paused, thought about it, realized I must have meant the dog, or tried to make sure she heard me right. Nope, she just thought I wanted to pee in an alley and that didn’t phase her. Very odd.

I’ve had this second thing happen to me twice now. People have said they didn’t see the dog there. I can understand it when Trixie is lying at my feet or squished for the most part under a bus seat. But I have walked up to someone, Trixie has started misbehaving and sniffing them, and then the person will say, “Oh! I didn’t see the dog there!” Once, someone came out from behind a desk to help me get to a seat, and then was startled by the dog. How is it that most people can’t help but see a dog if it is there, and then some don’t see Trixie at all? Definitely weird.

And that’s it for this one. I know it was small, but these two things were so weird that I felt like they needed a post just for them.

Thank You For Flying Contradiction Airlines

Whenever I think about this, a certain joke pops into my head. But sadly, in the story, they’re serious!

Ok, read this story and tell me this isn’t the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. Singapore Airlines has a new airplane, an A380 Superjumbo Jet. One of its features is the ability to pay for a suite in which you are supposed to enjoy unprecedented privacy. there is a double bed. Occupants have access to unlimited booze. But, since the suite’s walls don’t go all the way to the ceiling, it’s not really completely private, so no sex, please.

What is that? It’s either private, or it’s not. Why did they stop a few inches from the ceiling? Did they run out of material? Is there some structural reason why the walls don’t go to the ceiling? Please, someone, explain that one to me.

And how can they expect this to, well, fly? I’m sure paying for the suite costs an arm and a leg, and it’s obviously marketed to couples since they put a double bed in it. What were they expecting people to do in there, especially when privacy is one of the things played up in the advertisements?

This is going to sound horrible, but I love the fact that the first person objecting to the no sex rule was a 76-year-old man. Hell, I agree with him, and more power to him. I just can’t picture people my Grandma’s age wanting to get down and dirty anywhere but in a bed in a bedroom. But maybe it’s a good idea to have the no sex rule for the old folks. We wouldn’t want others to hear the creaking of joints and mistake them for the beginnings of a plane crash and an episode of Mayday. Yes, I know, that was evil.

Open Wide

I never thought going to the dentist could be such a scary prospect until I started reading News Of The Weird Daily. Let’s count the scary dentists I’ve learned about. There’s the dentist who ripped out that older lady’s teeth without anesthetic to teach her a lesson, the dentist who was low on sterilization and high on nail and ear-cleaning with his tools, the dentist who thinks the mouth has 52 teeth in it, the one who drove a needle through a guy’s nose, the dental office where patient safety was terrifying, the dentist who slapped a teenage patient around saying I will show you pain, the dentist who likes to give chest-massages to his female patients to relieve TMJ…yeah…that’s it, and our final straw, for now, Dr. George Trusty, who drove a drill bit through a woman’s sinuses because he was dancing while drilling. Yeah, I don’t think Dr. Trusty is very trusty at all, saying she’d just sneeze the 2.5 cm bit out…yeah, along with the vision in her left eye. Now, why did I think it was a good idea to book an appointment with my dentist again?

Sex On The Brain…And The Beach…And The Driveway…

Wow. I know the psychology part of me finds this story completely believable, but…that doesn’t stop the juvenile part of me from giggling when I read it. I can’t even imagine going through what this couple has gone through, especially the man. Well, I really don’t know who has it worse when you get down to it. But whatever you think, that’s a damn funny story, both in the ha ha and the strange sort of way.

Call Idiocy

I’ve noticed a weird trend in the way people use their call display. they’ve gone nuts with it!

I really started to notice it when people would phone me back just because my number was on their display. They’d say, “You called. What did you want?” First of all, who are you, and second, I didn’t even mean to call you. I got the wrong number. If I didn’t leave a message, and you don’t have a flaming clue who I am, don’t call me back!

But it’s gotten weirder. There’s one guy who is just loving the call display on his business phone. He loves it so much that he doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t recognize the number that’s calling. He stammers out an awkward hello and then the business name, all the while stuttering. Yeah, great way to create a first impression on a new customer.

Or, there was one music store I called looking for a CD. The man cheerfully responded with “Yes, I have it, and I’m driving to Paris. I can drop it off there if you would like.” He meant Paris, Ontario, in case anyone’s wondering how in hell our hapless music buff was going to drive across the ocean. Anyway, I asked him why he would drop it off in Paris if I was calling from Guelph. “Oh,” he said, “The last name that came up on the display is the same as someone I’m going to visit, so I assumed you were related to them.”

First off, I don’t even have the last name that’s on the display, and second, that’s a little weird to think that I must be related to the person that he’s going to visit. It is possible to not be related to someone with the same last name, or at least not related in any way you’re aware of. Maybe the person is your fiftieth cousin, but for all intents and purposes, she’s a stranger.

And this is the thing that got me thinking about all things call display. Last night, we ordered subs, and they took forever to come. Once, I phoned back because I was worried that I’d missed the buzzer because the phone went weird for a minute. Then I called back another time wondering what happened to our subs. The final time I called, the man picked up the phone and said, “Subway on Gordon, Ma’am.” So, the poor fellow knew exactly who was phoning and why. Why else would he throw the ma’am in there? I had to laugh, even though I was hungry as hell.

Call Display is a great thing. I just wish people could learn to use it right. It kind of loses all of its power of discretely letting you know who’s phoning you if you pick up the phone and basically announce to the caller that you have their number.

Derek Edwards, You’ve Done It Again

I feel like I’m just repeating myself, but ah hell, I’m going to write it anyway.

The other night we went to see Derek Edwards again. After seeing him a couple of years ago, I wasn’t sure how much new stuff he could have possibly come up with. Oh boy did he come up with a lot. Now that Canadian Tire Ted has gone off the air, I can think of Derek Edwards when I see those damn Bell Canada beavers. Again, he made me laugh so hard I cried, and this guy a couple of seats over went from having a deep voice to having this high-pitched laugh to hardly having any air left to laugh with at all.

If you don’t know who the hell I’m going on about, watch these YouTube clips to start. Then go see him if he comes to your town. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Why Is It…

Yes I’m stealing something from Steve, but I figured it was the only way this would work. I’ve had a lot of things make me wonder why, so here they are in no particular order.

Why is it that the people in a lot of pet stores can’t even manage to have basic social skills? I mean, it’s worse than Radio Shack! It’s like they hope to hell that you just come in, buy fish food, pay for it and promptly piss off so they can be alone with the fish tanks and birds and other strange creatures that inhabit their store. Maybe it’s me, but I thought anyone who works in a store filled with animal smells, animal things and animals would be a pet enthusiast and want to answer questions. Nope. Getting words out of them is like pulling teeth. I almost expect it at Radio Shack, because a lot of the people who know a lot about computers are super geeks and don’t much like talking. But maybe it’s a misconception, but I thought people who were into animals were a little more outgoing. I’ve managed to find at least 3 pet stores where they either don’t even acknowledge my presence until I ask them if they work there, or when I ask them if they have something, all I get back is “nope.” After a long pause, I mention they used to carry it. Their response? “Did we?” Pause. Yep. I ask if they’re sure they don’t have it. “Let me check.” the guy grumbles and slowly goes to the back. “Oh. Yep. Here.” Beep beep beep goes the cash register before I can ask how much it is, or whether or not they have something else I’m looking for. Once, I called the store wanting to order something, and when I called back to see if it was in, all he said was “I haven’t come across it yet.” What the hell? Haven’t come across it? When I called again, and he called me back because my number was on his call display, he couldn’t even manage to say “I’m calling because your number was on my call display.” all he could manage was a flustered “Hello!” as if I’d just crawled out of a closet and scared him.

I’ve finally found a pet store that is the exception to the rule and the people are nice and know what they’re talking about. But I think that whole thing is just weird.

Why is it that people feel compelled to bring their pets to the laundry room with them? I don’t even bring Trix there. I figure I’m already wrestling with a laundry basket and soap, and I don’t bring my cane, why would I bring the dog? So why in holy hell would you shepherd your potentially unruly schitzu or cat into the laundry room where they can get into all kinds of trouble? Can you not be without your pet for a few minutes while you throw in the wash?

Why is it that on whatever mailing list you join, there is going to be someone there who will answer *every* message, even if they either have nothing to say, or there is nothing to say in response? someone could proclaim that they like soup, and annoying lister would write back with”I’m glad you like soup.” That’s it, that’s all. Just their agreement with someone’s liking of soup, and their name. Or, someone would ask a question, and annoying lister would respond with “I really don’t know. That’s a good question. I’m interested in the replies.” Then why don’t you do what a normal person would do and sit back and *watch* the responses. Ug. I swear some people have nothing better to do than answer every message that crosses their path. Do they answer spam? I can see it now.
“Dear Mohammed T. Clark:

Being a woman, I have never thought about having a bigger penis. But I’m sure someone has. What an interesting proposition. Good luck with all your endeavours.”

signed, Annoying Lister.”

Why is it that someone thought it was a good idea to have a channel specifically designed for doctor’s office waiting rooms? It is filled with news bulletins about all the scariest things about the medical system, medical conditions they feel we should know about, and informative tidbits about unpleasant things like hemeroids. And why is it that my doctors’ office thinks it’s a fine idea? The last thing I want to watch while I wait to see the doctor is a bunch of stuff to make me worry. I’m sure every man in the room did not appreciate the Australian man who sounded a lot like the crocodile hunter telling him all about prostate cancer. I couldn’t help but giggle as I pictured Steve Irwin, if he were alive, exclaiming that he was going to go in there and pull it out, but ya gotta be careful…and so on. Yes, I’m sick and twisted. But seriously. When did magazines, music, and maybe a TV show go out of fashion in favour of this nonstop barrage of medical bad news?

This is less of a why is it and more of a what do you do if, but here we go. What do you do if you’re in an elevator and the power goes out? The alarm won’t do you any good, will it? I’m just picturing someone slamming on the button wondering why the bell won’t ring. I guess the why is it part comes when I say why is it that every elevator doesn’t have a phone with a direct line somewhere in it? I don’t know why things like that cross my mind. I guess it’s because of a story mom told me when she got stuck in an elevator once. It was at school, and she was with some of her students. The elevator got stuck between floors, and for some silly reason, she didn’t want to ring the alarm because it was exam time. So, she saw the phone. Thinking that it just went to the office, she picked it up…and quickly learned that it went to the fire department. I think that was the most excitement they had all day. It’s too bad that, before they had arrived, the janitor had found her and got the elevator working again. But it made me wonder why all elevators don’t have something like that. If a little high school can do it, why can’t everybody?

And I guess that’s it. Hope it was kind of fun.