DVS Is Great, But This Is a Bit Much

Are you a blind person? Do you like pornography, but feel that today’s porn product is neglecting you by not paying attention to your accessibility needs? If so, then boy oh boy do I have a treat for you. Yes indeed, your life changes today. For today is the day that PornForTheBlind.org enters your world.

Thanks to this new free service, never again will you have to ask yourself or even worse a friend questions such as “just what is he doing to that woman exactly?” Or “did he really get it all on her face like he said he wanted to?” Porn for the Blind’s helpful narrators will solve those mysteries and so many more for you, and they’ll do it with just slightly more vocal inflection than Steven Wright.

But wait, there’s more!

If the ever so cheerful sounding men using the technical terms for sex acts aren’t enough for you, you will no doubt be thrilled to learn that none of them appear to have grasped the concept of holding a microphone away from their mouths while speaking into one. The inclusion of the original site’s URL’s and the exact lengths of the clips being described are also features that will surely set your loins to blazing.

So visit Porn for the Blind today.

Porn for the Blind: If this doesn’t turn you on, you’re probably normal.

Jehova’s stalkers

I got something in the mail yesterday that frightened me. It was a piece of mail from some Jehova’s Witnesses, or Jehova’s Witlesses as Steve called them. But I didn’t even have to open it to be frightened by it. You could tell it was not professionally put together. Someone was doing this from their home. Even scarier, it was addressed to us, as our names appear on the buzzer downstairs.

Think about that for a while. That means that someone had to stand down there, write down everybody’s apartment number and names as they appeared on the buzzers, and then go out and carefully hand-mail all the junk-mail they wanted to send us. Doesn’t that seem like a scary amount of effort? Why do they want to convert the people in this building so badly? And why not use that energy for something, ya know, productive?

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Make Shitty Movie

When people ask me why I never go to the movies and why I don’t care when stuff comes out on DVD, I always have a million ways to answer their questions. And as of this very moment, I now have
one more.
Yes, “Monopoly: The Movie” could soon be coming to a theatre near you.

FILM director Ridley Scott is preparing the most unlikely movie of his career: a feature-length version of the venerable board game Monopoly.

The 69-year-old British film-maker, whose hits include Gladiator and Black Hawk Down, has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the property game into a comedy thriller.

William Morris, the oldest theatrical agency in Hollywood, has promised Hasbro, which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the US, that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie.

Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst are being considered for roles. Hasbro, which claims that Monopoly has been played by 750 million people since the 1930s, wants the film to feature “sexy young people” in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games.

Comedy thriller? Ok then.

I’ll admit I’m somewhat curious about this movie, mostly because I can’t figure out how they intend to shoehorn the hours upon hours of madcap excitement that is an actual game of Monopoly into 90 short minutes. I’m not sure if that’s the plan, but I hope that’s what they’ve got in mind. If they try to go all true to life on us with this one we’re going to end up with something slightly longer than watching Ben-Hur 3 times, and I don’t think anybody wants that.

Tone Death

If the urge strikes you to go to the Philippines, and while you’re there, you feel the need to go to a karaoke bar and sing, make sure you *can* sing. If not, you may die. That’s what happened to a poor unfortunate soul named Romy Baligula. He was halfway through a song, I don’t know what song it was, and 43-year-old security guard Robilito Ortega yelled to him that he was out of tune. He kept on singing, and our security guard just couldn’t take any more of his caterwauling, pulled his service revolver, and silenced him with a bullet to the chest! Our singer will never sing again, he died instantly.

If you think that’s too weird, the article says deaths and fights often happen in the Philippines because of people singing out of tune, and songs like Frank Sinatra’s My Way had to be removed from the list because apparently, a lot of us can’t do the song justice and violence breaks out too often because of people’s warblings.

Ooo! I have an idea! I know how we can get rid of that warbling whore! Let’s send her to the Philippines!

Follow My Nose To What?

Last night, we were watching Cops. I don’t know what it is exactly, but something always draws us to watching crime shows, and I think the most amusing ones are Cops and To Serve and Protect, just because the people getting arrested come up with some pretty weird excuses for why they have drugs on them or why they’re down in the alley where they got nailed.

Anyway, last night, they had to bring in a dog to chase someone down, which is always fun. But it got me thinking. Police dogs are supposed to sniff, right? That’s how they find their man. But I know dogs love to sniff everything, and any scent is interesting to them. So how do the police know if the dog is really on the trail? How do they know it hasn’t caught the smell of another dog, a nice plant, or who knows what? I know they’re trained, yada yada yada, but they can still get distracted. It was just a question that crossed my mind last night.

You Have A Collect Call From…Your Cheap Offspring.

Isn’t this a sad statement? According to snopes, Father’s Day is the busiest day of the year for collect calls. Next in line is Mother’s Day, followed by Valentine’s day. Aren’t we a classy bunch? We can’t even pay a few bucks to say we love our parents and significant others. Tomorrow’s Father’s day, and I wouldn’t think of calling dad up and then making him pay the bill. That’s evil!

Every day, I am convinced more and more that we’re doomed. Screwed, broken beyond repair, up the creak without a paddle. This is just another sign.

Beating A Who With A What Now?

Steve told me about this story, and he’s right. The next passage contains the best words to be written down since a police officer said someone was punching vegetation.

Durango, CO
11:08 a.m. A man on Westwood Place said his girlfriend was beating a miniature Chihuahua with a spatula.

And that’s the whole story. That leaves me with so many questions, and so many images. Steve said he saw this little gem somewhere, and my curiosity got the best of me. I through the words “beat chihuahua with spatula” into google, and voila!

So now, the questions, the images, and the fun! My biggest question is…why? Why would you beat a chihuahua with a spatula? Did it just eat part of your lunch off the spatula and you got mad? Why?

And…it was a miniature chihuahua. Is there any other kind? Have I been living under a rock and there are giant chihuahuas running around? I guess there are chihuahuas and teeny chihuahuas. And if that’s the case, the spatula was probably bigger than the poor little creature.

And…how scary is this woman that her boyfriend didn’t just stop her from beating the chihuahua? Why did he have to call the police? I can understand calling the cops if you saw your neighbours wallupping their little yappy mutt, but your girlfriend? Come on! Maybe he was afraid he’d get the spatula next.

And last but not least…how did it end? Did they take the chihuahua away? What happened to the girl? Don’t leave me hanging like that!

All I know is that whole scene would have been odd to witness. Maybe the images in my head are funnier than it could have possibly been.

We Had the Hot Seat, Now You Can Have A Cool Seat.

First we had the USB missile launcher. Then came the USB nuclear missile launcher. Then we got less warlike in our USB gadgets with the creation of the secret base emergency button, and finally, our laziness was shown with the invention of the USB ash tray.

But now, we have something for the What the Fuck department to analyze. It’s the USB…drum-roll please…bum-cooling cushion?

Yipper, that’s what it does. Don’t believe me? Then I quote.

How does it work? A built-in fan pulls in cool air from down near the base of your chair and pumps it up and out through holes in the seat of the cushion to cool your posterior down to a more comfortable temperature.

Have you ever sat in your chair and thought “Gee, my ass is hot. No other part of me is hot, though. If only I could cool my ass…” I never have, but maybe I’m in the minority. Or maybe these people are just weird. Either way, there it is.

Homeboy Got a New Cellphone!

I know, I know, that was only funny for Steve, the lady at Rogers who I talked to when I got this thing, and me, but that’s never stopped me before, hahah.

Remember when I jumped up and down about Rogers’s new phone that you could buy with the Talks software already installed? Well, guess who went and bought one? Yipper, that would be me, and I’m pretty damn impressed with it. I’ve already set my own ringtone, set the clock, put some contacts in the contacts directory, learned a whole bunch of the Talks functions, can check the battery level and signal strength…and I have much, much more to learn.

First off, to anyone who wants to buy one of these, if you choose to call rogers and buy it through there, be very very sure that the rep knows you want the Nokia 6682RVI, which is Rogers’s cute name for the bundle with Talks. They will say they don’t see such a thing, and try to just sell you the Nokia 6682, but you don’t want that. So make sure they find it.

The box came with some pretty cool stuff in it. There was a Talks Manual in mp3 and word format, a little braille sheet that explained that the phone had Talks preinstalled and said the formats the user’s manual was in, and a whole bunch of cool accessories. There was a headset, a USB cable, another cable that I haven’t the foggiest clue what it does, a 64-mb memory card, a funky wrist strap, some cool Nokia software, and of course the battery and charger and such.

It is so nice to be able to monkey with my own phone settings. I was able to set the clock, the ringtone, see how much battery power I had left, turn on training mode so I could mess with stuff without it doing anything, and all in the first night of having it. Now I just have to figure out who I can send a thank you letter to for going ahead with this. God I’m going to be known as the thank you blink before too long, hahahaha.