They Say It’s Your Birthday Eh? Well We’ll See About That!

Here’s a strange one.

A texas man was
stabbed with a pitchfork
while trying to break up a drunken fight between 2 of his nephews.

According to police, the 3 men were drinking in their mobile home Sunday afternoon when a dispute broke out over which of the nephews was the oldest. No, seriously, that’s really what started it. The victim stepped in to calm things down when the pitchfork came into play and was stabbed in the arm by a man who reports said was 26. Sadly the age of the other man in the fight wasn’t mentioned, so we may never find out who would have won the argument.

I’m not sure if they are or not, but here’s something for you all to think about. Would this story be more retarded if these 2 guys were, or were not twins? I can’t decide.

And Now We Pause For A Little Music…Sort Of

Have you ever heard something so awful that no matter what you did, you couldn’t stop thinking about it? Well I just did, and being the nice guy that I am, I thought it would only be fair for me to share it with all of you. Besides, now that Miserable Melodies isn’t around anymore I figure it’s my duty to help fill the void however I can. So in that spirit, I present to you Shakira covering Back in Black. Trust me, it’s worse than you’re imagining.

But because I’m not a total prick [at least not right now], here’s something that will hopefully help you wash away the hatred you suddenly have for me. Have a listen to Kermit the Frog singing some Radiohead.

I’ll never look at Sesame Street the same way again.

You Live Where?

Here’s another one of those articles that made me laugh until I nearly cried.
The 22 Worst Place Names in the World

They left out a lot of the stuff that’s always on the weird town lists which makes it a lot more interesting, and the writing is the type that makes me wish I was half this funny on my best day. For example…

14.
Wetwang, Yorkshire… yep! England again!
Okay, so I’ll cut England some slack. It’s an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than fucking dirt. They can’t be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I’m surprised they don’t have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.

Enjoy, and feel free to share any you think they missed.

He’s Well, Ok? No More Cards!

Wow. I always get annoyed with chain emails. I always tell people to stop sending them, especially the ones that ask you to forward it on, or send correspondence back somewhere. But I never knew how bad the consequences of people’s mindless responding to chain emails could be. Strangely, this story still makes me laugh, and it shouldn’t, but it does.

Let’s take a journey back in time. Bak in 1989, a request was made on behalf of a 9-year-old boy named Craig Shergold. He had a brain tumour, and he apparently wanted to break the record in the Guinness Book for number of get-well cards received. by 1990, he had received 16 million cards. By May of 1991, he had received 33 million, and they cried “mission accomplished!”

But the problem is the deluge of cards never stopped. In 1991, his tumour was removed, and he’s still with us to this day, completely healthy and no longer wanting these cards. But they keep on getting mailed. Now, business cards and compliment slips get sent too. Why? because people keep sending this damn email, in different variations, that asks for more cards!

Here’s what the email has caused:

  • The Shergolds had to move.

  • The Children’s Wish Foundation International had to relocate because they too were getting bombed with cards, as requested by the emails.

  • Another foundation, the Make A Wish Foundation of America, had to set up a toll-free number to tell people to not send cards anymore please please please!
  • The Guinness Book of World Records *retired!* this record. That means no one can try and break it. They don’t want anymore crap to happen.

  • The Shergolds’ old address had to be given its own postal code.

  • The Shergolds have now appeared on various talk shows to tell people to stop sending cards.

They think that they have received 200 million cards. Wow! Can you imagine receiving that much mail? You know what isn’t fair? The Shergolds are receiving zillions of unwanted cards, but No More AOL CD’s.com has been working for 6 years and still hasn’t managed to receive 1000000 AOL CD’s so they can send them all back to AOL. I know, it’s because a lot of people don’t know about them. but why couldn’t someone starta chain letter asking people to send them all their unwanted AOL CD’s? They’d have them in no time!

If this didn’t come from Snopes, I would think this was a tall tale. But this actually happened to people. So the next time you think you should forward a message because it couldn’t do any harm, remember the Shergolds. I sure will, even if it’s only to giggle at the idea of being driven from your home with kind words.

More About Pizza Beer

Yesterday I got the chance to talk a little with Tom Seefurth, who you’ll probably know better as the Pizza Beer guy.

He seems really nice, and from the tone of his emails, it looks like there’s nobody more surprised about how much attention this stuff is getting than him.

He mentioned a boatload of appearances and interviews that he’s done and looking to do beyond the ones he left in the comments on the original post, and he says he’s even hoping to get on Letterman to do is pizza from the roof of a building stunt. I hope they have him on and let him do it, it would be perfect for the show since they’ve done wacky stuff like that in the past.

He also told me that the beer has its own website now, located at www.MammaMiaPizzaBeer.com. It’s still a work in progress, but more info will be added soon. Unfortunately he’s not selling the beer through the site right now and I’m not sure if he’s planning to in the future, but hopefully he will at some point because I still really wanna try it!

Nose Thank You, that Snot For Me

I don’t really care how well
this thing
works or how safe they’re claiming it is, you can still count me out. No matter how much I love somebody, the odds of me ever sucking that person’s nose dry with a straw are pretty low, even if the filter is supposed to prevent me from ingestin’ a nice heapin’ helpin’ of snot surprise.

When your child has a cold with a runny stuffed nose, it can be frustrating when they can not blow their own nose. Congestion interferes with sleep, feeding and makes for an overall cranky child, and parent too.

Nosefrida is a plastic tube with a filter that the parent uses with their own mouths to get the mucous out of their children’s noses. WITH THE FILTER IN PLACE, THE PARENT DOES NOT COME IN CONTACT WITH THE MUCOUS FROM THE CHILD. There is no risk of bacterial contamination, in other words, you will not get the cold your child has.

And if you’re really in the mood to be sicked out, get a load [or perhaps a mouthfull] of these
instructions.

Place your child face up on a changing table or bed. You can also hold your child, tucking their arms in while you use Nosefrida.

Place the large tube at the child’s nostril and the red part at the other end in your own mouth. Apply gentle suction to begin with, increasing suction as necessary until you see mucous in the large tube. The filter will protect you from getting anything near your own mouth.

If mucous is very thick or crusty, please insert 1-2 drops of saline solution into nostril and then apply suction.

Clean Nosefrida after each use: wash large tube out with soap and warm water. Rinse well and allow to dry. Change the hygiene filter after each use.

Nosefrida should ONLY be used to clean children’s and babies noses of mucous.

Please keep Nosefrida out of reach of children under 3 years old.

This product is not a toy.

I love that they have to remind you to clean it out when you’re finished, and that they feel the need to explain that you’re not supposed to be using it for fun and games. What kind of people is that warning targeted at anyway? On second thought, forget I asked that question. It’s probably best if we never find out.

Oh My God I’m Putting on My Advocacy Hat Again

It’s funny, as soon as I voted in the municipal election and got the idea that this should be available at provincial and federal elections, another voice in my head said, “You know it won’t be easy, don’t you?” and it was right.

I called Elections Ontario today, since we’re having an election in October. I asked who I should talk to about asking if it’s possible to have an audible voting machine at the polls on voting days like the municipality of Guelph did. If you listen very closely, right after that, you can hear my head slamming into a thick rock wall. The response was, “We’re only going to do paper ballots. It’s legislated. To change that, we’d have to pass a bill in the legislature.” I asked her why and she couldn’t explain it to me. She just told me to call my MPP, which I’m going to do. If others care about this like I do, I urge them to call and write their local MPP. You can find a list of their local offices here. If you don’t know who your MPP is, call elections Ontario at 1-800-677-8683 and ask them. Give them your postal code and they can provide you with their name and number.

If anyone has any luck getting their MPP’s attention, but the MPP says they wouldn’t have the foggiest idea about who they should contact about getting such a machine if they passed the bill, here is the contact info for the company from which Guelph leased its voting machines that worked so well:

DVS Corporation
20 Mowat Ave. Suite 100
Toronto, ON M6K 3E8
Tel: 416-762-8683 x225
Fax: 416-762-8663
www.dominionVoting.ca

I’m not holding out a lot of hope, but we can at least try, and if enough of us say something, maybe something will happen. Maybe? Possibly? I’m not so naive as I used to be years ago, but there is at least a glimmer of hope.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You know what happens when you park your car in front of an on-coming train in hopes of killing your girlfriend? you die, and she survives!

Thankfully, no one else was hurt, but apparently some flying metal messed up a truck. All I can think is, what an idiot! How bad could he have been fighting that he wanted to kill his girlfriend? Oh, and I also can’t help but think “good riddance.”

Dear Little Children in Our Building:

I used to like listening to you laugh and shriek and scream. I used to think it was pretty cool that you all had a place to play right outside your door. Now, the sound of your voices fills me with dread. Why? Because when I take Trixie to do her business, you won’t leave me alone!

I picked a spot that was kind of enclosed between two bushes. I picked it because I thought it would be out of the way and it would leave the big grassy area open for you kids to play in. But now you have decided that you want to play in *those* bushes.

I don’t even mind that you play in there. But you stay quiet until I’m right up on you, taking the harness off and extending her leash. then you all shriek “She can’t poo here!” I know you’re the kids and I’m the adult, so I try to explain that I won’t be long and I’ll pick it all up, and I try to explain that the building manager doesn’t want her pooping on someone’s front lawn, but of course that goes over your heads. You’re kids, what do you care? You just keep shrieking. By this point, I have made her leash long and she’s starting to circle, so it’s hard to change spots.

In the early days, I used to ask you if I could borrow your spot for a second so she could go to the bathroom. You would say yes, then follow me up there with her, chase her around and try to pet her. Can you give her a moment of privacy, please? She’s going to the bathroom! The funniest thing you did was run up to her and yell eeewww! right after I told you she was about to drop a poop bomb. “She’s pooping, she’s pooping!” you cried, immediatley followed by “You’re picking it up!” Well what else am I supposed to do? Maybe what threw you off was the fact that the plastic bag I put on my hand was clear so it looked like I was picking up the gifts in my bare hands.

And this is a small thing. Can you plese not litter? If you decide to camp out in the bushes with popsickles and pop, can you take the popsickle sticks and pop cans away when you leave? They are too much temptation for the Trixter, and…it’s just not nice to litter!

I’m sure we can work this out and get along, I mean, you’re cute and all. So, either tell me you’re in the bushes when you see me coming, or let me have them for a few minutes. Then you can have them back, I promise! And plese stop petting Trixie when she’s…occupied if you will. If you want, back off a bit and stick around until we’re done. Then I’ll let you pet her.

Thanks in advance,

Carin and Trixie