The Appropriate Name Of The Year Award Winner Is Already In The Bag

February 2015 Update: Reber was found guilty of felony battery and will be spending the next two years in jail. Our victim ended up requiring reconstructive scrotal surgery, which sounds about quarter past terrifying. He is said to still be suffering from pain today, nearly 3 years after the attack. That makes two of us, my friend.

Original post: So I’m sitting here writhing in sympathy pain for the poor bastard who didn’t know what he was getting into when he decided to end his 8 month fling with Christina Reber when suddenly, through the tears, there comes a glimmer of positivity and the hint of a smile. Well, sort of. There’s not much to laugh about when somebody tries to tear off your scrotum and even the hospital sign is taunting you.

The man said Reber screamed at him to “call the fucking police” before launching her assault.

Reber, the victim told cops, first struck him repeatedly in the head before latching onto his scrotum and “squeezing as hard as she could.” The man, interviewed by police at a hospital emergency room, said that he “was in incredible pain when Reber grabbed his scrotum and began digging in her fingers.”

The victim recalled that Reber “refused to let go of his scrotum,” but that he was “finally able to pry his scrotum from Reber’s hand” after they fell to the ground during the scuffle. The man then called an ambulance, which transported him to Ball Memorial Hospital.

Was that really the closest hospital, or does the ambulance service have a comedian in its midst? Something to ponder as we all take a moment to stop the watering eyes and convince the fellas that it’s ok to come back down, nobody’s going to hurt them.

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