Mmm…Sunchips!

Holy shit this is a day full of weird news. Have you ever thought about eating your newspaper after you’ve finished reading it? No? I hadn’t either. Butthis woman from Edmunton has nibbled on it every day for 7 years!

Yup, you heard that right. She doesn’t have Alzheimers, there’s nothing wrong with her mind. She doesn’t have any weird iron deficiencies that sometimes give people the urge to eat things that aren’t food. She just likes the taste of it, and it has to be the Edmunton Sun.

She finally got a case of, well, sun-block, when a ball of paper blocked her esophagus and had to be moved down into her stomach with a scope. Now she’s not so keen on chewing on the sun.

What the hell? What in hell would cause a completely sane person to start eating a newspaper? Did she lose a bet and she said she’d eat this newspaper if she lost, ate it, and then thought it was quite delectable? Even more shocking is the doctor’s claim that the Sun was otherwise not harmful to her health. How can that be? Wouldn’t ink be poisonous, especially after eating it for seven years?

Wow. What else can I say? That’s just messed up.

Doctor Doctor, Gimme the News, I Got A Bad Case of Loving Hospitals

I really hope this guy doesn’t ever get himself actually hurt, because if he does, no hospital in England will believe him. Why? Because he fakes injuries just so he can wear hospital gowns and get off on masks and syringes. He’s assaulted nurses while demanding masks, he’s even bought his own surgical masks so he can get off in the privacy of his own home, and he certainly never gives up, because right after he gets busted for one offense, he calls an ambulance to try again, and gets promptly busted for another one. But I guess he’s become pretty recognizeable, because now nurses can look up his ASBO and send him away. The only way he can get into a hospital is by prior approval, although it doesn’t specify who has to approve him. So now is he going to have to trick other people into vouching for him until he gets what he wants? That wouldn’t surprise me. I’m sure all of this will come back to bite him when he really needs some help.

Let’s Go Down The Robbery Checklist

Hold-up note? Check.
Hood? Check.
Glasses? Check.
Gloves so I won’t leave prints? Check.
Bag for the money?
Uh-oh!

NEW HUDSON, Mich. (AP) – A bank teller apparently flustered a would-be bank robber – and foiled a robbery – after asking where the suspect’s bag was to carry off the money, authorities said.

Oakland County Sheriff’s Detective Tom Bisio said the suspect entered a Chase Bank branch Monday wearing a hooded sweat shirt, sunglasses and winter gloves. He handed the teller a small piece of cardboard that read, “Give me your money.”

“He told a teller to ‘hurry up,’ but when she asked him if he had a bag to put the money into, it must have flustered him,” Bisio told The Detroit News for a story Tuesday. “He ran off without any cash.”

To his credit the guy must have learned something from the ordeal, since he A. hasn’t yet been caught and B. is a suspect in a successful heist later the same day as well as 3 other recent ones in the same area.

Illegal Debriefing

This is one of these stories that just keeps getting our star of the show into more and more trouble.

Our star of the show is Judge Herman thomas, already suspended for some ethical concerns when these complaints came up, which puts him in a bad light from the beginning. Several defendants, and by several I mean 12, say they were either taken out of jail or summoned by the judge to a little room in the courthouse where he asked them to drop their drawers so he could paddle their buttocks with a wooden fraternity-like paddle. After one such spanking, he supposedly told the kid that if he’d been paddled as a child, he wouldn’t be in jail now.

Investigators first didn’t really give a lot of consideration to the complaints, since criminals aren’t always the most credible of victims, but…12 of them? All saying the same thing? And jail logs of Herman coming to get some of them coinciding with when they say it happened? And the small room where they said it happened could be found? And it’s not really suitable to be used as an office, but he has turned it into an office? And there’s a secretary’s chair that’s got the seat almost cranked to the floor, perfect for, well, bending someone over for a good spanking? And he already has ethical complaints against him? Uh-oh, Judge, I don’t think you’re wiggling out of this one. It doesn’t look good.

1924

Um, wow. My mouth is hanging open. I really think that the Ministry of Reshelving needs to ramp up its efforts, because the novel 1984 is looking less and less like fiction. Here’s some creepy stuff for you. British police were spying on George Orwell because they thought he was a communist! They did this for years! Did he know this? Is that why he wrote the book? Reading the stuff out of these reports that have now been released makes me feel like I am back in that book. Here’s a nice excerpt for you.

“[He] and Blair are on friendly terms and the latter is known to spend a good deal of time at the shop. He has on occasion conducted the business. Westrope is known to hold socialist views and considers himself an ‘intellectual’.”

For those wondering who the hell Blair is, that is Orwell’s real last name.

Anyone have flashbacks of Mr. Charrington? I know he ends up being a spy, but the whole thing with the shop where he used to visit, and the way Charrington would share poems and history with him, I’m starting to wonder if Orwell rented his attic, and…

Now, Barbie, you really need to read 1984! Yes, I’m evil.

No! I! Don’t! Speak! Spanish!

The images this story gives me make me laugh. Imagine a man going to Home Depot and standing at one of those self-checkout scanner thingies. The items he’s buying? A pry bar and a hacksaw. He’s waiting in line. When he finally gets to the scanner, he accidentally hits the button for Spanish on the machine and this is too much for him. He doesn’t ask for help. He doesn’t try to turn it back to English. Oh no. He unleashes an assault on the offending machine. With what, you ask? Why, with the pry bar he’s trying to buy, of course. After shattering the computer, he runs away to the railroad tracks, leaving his purchases behind. Police haven’t found him yet, and the Home Depot is crying at the $10000 damage he’s caused to their poor machine.

Like the story says, thank god he wasn’t buying a blowtorch. I say thank god he didn’t decide to go to a human cashier!

There She Blows!

If you’re the type of person who enjoyed the
big dump
story from last year, then boy have I got a treat for you. Click
here
to check out the Colon Cleansing Experiment, in which a man much braver [or perhaps dumber] than I could ever hope to be uses things not ment to be used that way to, well, you know.

I obviously wouldn’t know myself, but I’ve been told the pictures are something to see, so be warned. Then again, if you’re planning to click on this you’re probably not the type to be bothered by it, so forget I said anything.

Is Brushing Really that Hard Or Are We Just Trying To Keep Some Inventors Busy?

Oral B will soon begin selling a computerized toothbrush that will tell you whether or not you’re doing a good job of brushing your teeth.

The brush, called Triumph with SmartGuide, sends radio signals to a display screen that you can mount on your bathroom mirror. the screen then displays instructions on where you should clean, whether or not you’re brushing too hard or not hard enough and how long you should keep it up.

The manufacturer is hoping that good old Triumph will be this year’s must-have bathroom Christmas gift.

I can’t speak for anybody else, but what I’m really curious about is what the must-have bathroom Christmas gifts of years gone bye were.

Felony Naming

The government of Venezuela is
working on legislation
that would ban parents from giving their children any names that would “expose them to ridicule, are extravagant or difficult to pronounce”. The move would mean that there would be no more Supermans or
4reals
running around.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand I’m glad that somebody is thinking of the children and trying to put these dipshit parents who don’t remember what being a kid is like in check, but on the other, the idea of the government regulating what I can and can’t call my child isn’t one I’m a huge fan of.