Letters To Santa

Man, this flu or whatever I’ve got is pretty horrid. I went to sleep at about 7 o’clock at night without having any food or anything, and this is after a day of eating nothing but noodles and drinking water and stuff like that. So I woke up now, which would be about 20 after 4 feeling pretty damn hungry. So I’m trying to stand up long enough to make some soup, it’s just cuppa soup, anything else would be too complicated. So I’m probably up for the day now since I’ve slept for like 9 hours, even though my whole body is killing me and I’m still tired. But on the bright side, at least I don’t have to go anywhere because of it.

But enough about me and my complaining, here’s something funny I found in my big stack of email.

If Santa were honest…..

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer
Yer Frend
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for
my mommy and daddy to bet back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money
at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song
Love
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping you

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

Just Checkin’ In

Hey everyone.

Just checkin’ in cuz I ain’t posted anything today and Steve is a piece of shit… err… I mean sorry. Steve feels like shit. My bad.

So our comments are down. That’s great. Much thanks to Karine for passing on some info for other options for commenting and I’ll try to get that figured out in the next day or so when I get some time. Squawkbox can kiss my ass. there was no mention of having to upgrade when I set up… so fuck them.

Ummm. Well it seems I really don’t have much to say. That’s a lie. I got lots to say but the Leaf game is about to come out of intermission so I’m gonna go watch the 3rd and see my boy Owen Nolan wreck some more bodies. But first…

We’ll start something that I’ll try to do everyday. We’ll call it The Rejected Christmas Carol Of The Day. Some of these will be mine, some I will steel from other places and hopefully you’ll send in your suggestions to me or Steve or on our comment board when we get it back up and going.

The first one I’ll steel from my friends in that great punk rock band, The Vandals. So today’s Rejected Christmas Carol is….

“My First Christmas As A Woman”

Take Care, All

Well That’s Just Great

So it seems that I’m coming down with some sort of flu. It really isn’t very nice at all and it looks like I’m going to be stuck pretty close to home for awhile. This means that 1 of 2 things is going to be happening.

1. I’ll be posting all kinds of stuff since I’ve got lots of time to think and search out weird things, or

2. I’m going to kind of drop off the face of the earth for the next while and Matt will be doing everything.

Whatever happens, I don’t think this whatever it is is going to be gone anytime soon.

More later?

How To Waste Time: Part 7425

I’m sure you’ve all gotten those emails with the weird questions in them. The ones that ask stuff like why do they call them French Fries if they weren’t invented there? Or, why do people say it’s colder than hell outside when everything is obviously colder than hell to start with? Well, a friend of mine sent me a link to a website that’s like those emails to the extreme. There are pages and pages of these things. If you’re looking for something to do to avoid work, or to pass the time between posts over here, go there and try to get through reading all that stuff without your head starting to spin trying to answer it.
Crazy Thoughts.com, it’s stupidly good fun.

Comments Are Broken

Ok, like the title says, the comments are broken. It seems that the provider won’t allow us to continue to use the service unless we pay them $31.36 Canadian to get their pro version. Not sure yet what we’re going to do about it but if anybody knows of a cheaper option, or if the service we use is worth paying for,
please let me know.

By the way, if
Karine
is reading this, what if anything did you pay for your commenting system? I like yours a lot better than ours.

So until we sort all of this out, all of you with comments on anything should email them to us.

Steve
Matt.

More on this as we figure out what we’re gonna do.

To Hell With Canadian Tire

So the other day I’m at Canadian Tire. For our not-so-Canadian friends its basically a hardware/sporting goods/home supplies combination store that you can usually find what you’re looking for in. On this particular day, it is absolutely packed. There are about 7 counters, only 2 of which are opened and no less than 35 people lined up at each one. So, I get talked to the guy ahead of me and he’s just as frustrated as I am. He is purchasing a $1.99 set of picture frame clips to hold them to the wall. I am buying a $3.99 set of specialty batteries and we will both wait at least 20 minutes for these small, yet important purchases.

At that moment, another counter opens and there is a mass stampede towards it. I end up third in line, the guy I was talking to me is second and there is one woman ahead of him, obviously first and we’re in much higher spirits as we’re going to get out in a decent time. This woman is purchasing a $269.00 ceiling fan. And she’s doing it with…. Canadian Tire Money…. NNNOOOO!!!!

Again, for our non-Canadian friends. This is basically a coupon system specific to the Canadian Tire stores. Problem is, the donominations are 5 cents, 10 cents and 25 cents. Basically, you can’t have a $50 bill in Canadian Tire money. They’re small coupons. Back to the story.

This means that this woman is going to count out $269.00 in Canadian Tire money. Needless to say that there is a sizeable grown from the crowd behind her which, of course, she does not acknowledge. She whips out this encyclopedia of Canadian Tire money and begins counting outloud as she lays it down on the counter.

Had this been a good day for me, the woman behind the counter would have allowed a few of us with the under $5.00 items to pass through as she counted… or at the very least been counting along with the woman. But no, not on this day. On this day she allows the woman to count out over $250.00 in 10 cent donominations and THEN picks up the pile and counts it herself to make sure that it is correct. The guy ahead of me and I begin to wonder how badly we need to hang pictures and power unimportant objects… or if the Canadian Tire corperation would really miss our combined 7 dollars after the parade of coupons they were getting back.

We did eventually get through the line. Ironically,the 35 people ahead of us in the other line left well before we ever did. What a royal piss-off.

good-day and PUT YOUR FUCKING COUPONS AWAY WHEN MAKING MAJOR HOME PURCHASES!

A Tale Of Adversity

Gather around, all, as I will pass on to you an inspiring tale of adversity.

This past weekend in Guelph a hockey tournament for boys ages 10-12 was held. It was open to teams from all over Ontario. One of the teams that decided to attend was from Peterborough. The tournament was to start on Friday evening with a game between Peterborough and London.

On Friday afternoon there was a terrible accident on Hwy 401. (the main East/West Hiway through the area for those who don’t know). It kept traffic backed up for hours. Since the Peterborough team did not travel together on a bus, there were parents and players trying desperately to get to Guelph in time for the game. One father went north and decided to take a different Hiway until he got by the accident. He went north to the next Hiway and as he turned on to it he was side swiped by a transport. Both the 12 year old Peterborough goaltender and his father were killed instantly.

In Guelph, the rest of the team assembled in their locker room and wondered where their goalie and his father was. The father had been very involved with the team through his son’s 3 years on the team and it was not like him to not be there. So, they assumed that the two had gotten stuck in the gridlock on the 401 and would not make the game and would be there for their second game later that night. This father was so involved with the team, he had their game jerseys in his car with him so the team as also left without them. They were forced to play the first game in a local Guelph teams practise jerseys as league rules prevent a team from playing without distinguishing jerseys.

They played their first game with their backup goaltender and lost rather convincingly. At game-time for the second game, still no sign of the goaltender or his father so they played their second and last game for the evening without him and lost again, this time not so bad. The kids returned to their hotel after a tough night while the coach did what he could to find out where his missing team member and volunteer were.

The next morning the young boys grandfather got a phone call asking if he knew this name. He of course said yes and was told that the two had been in a bad accident and asked him to come down and identify the body. This was at about 4:45am. He drove the one hour from Peterborough to Toronto and identified the bodies to be his son and grand-son. He then got back in his car and drove another hour to Guelph to the arena where his grand-sons team was to play at 8:30am. As he walked in to the teams locker room as the boys were suiting up for their first of four games on the Saturday having already lost their first two and knowing that they wre all but out of the playoff picture.

The man told the coach what had happened and asked if he could speak to the team. He started by telling these 10, 11 and 12 year olds exactly what had happened in no uncertain terms. They were, of course, shocked. The coach suggested that the team tell the officials that they would not compete in this game as they were not emotionally prepared to do so. The Grandfather cut him off and continued to talk and said that he knew his son and grand-son would want the team, if they were able, to continue on and compete. The entire locker room sat perfectly quiet not knowing what to say. The grandfather said that he would leave it up to them and would understand either way and began to leave.

The 11 year back up goaltender that had played so poorly the night before in the absense of the starter stood up and said “Let’s win this for him guys.”. The boys all turned to him and did not let up with a cheer, but simply knodded in agreement and took to the ice to play their game. The Grandfather was later quoted as saying “I’ve never heard such devotion and confidence from a child as I did when this boy said that he was going to play.”

In something that seemed to be more of a movie than real life, the boys went out and competed with heavy hearts for the four games that they had to play that day. Amazingly, the unskilled, back-up goaltender put up 3 shut-outs and a one-goal against effort in the teams four games carrying them to 2nd in their pool and getting them in to the Sunday playoffs despite the two losses Friday night and the emotional burden they played with.

On Sunday Morning they beat their semi-final opponents in overtime by a score of 1-0 giving the team another shutout and launching them directly in to the final.

So there they stood on Sunday afternoon, with a second-rate goaltender in another teams practise jersey without one of their team mates ready to take on the tournament favourite, Toronto. The game proved to be uneventful as this Peterborough team rolled over Toronto quite easily winning the game marking the first time they scored more than 3 goals in a game during this tournament. Somehow these kids had done something impossible and you couldn’t help but be happy for them. However, even at 10, 11, and 12 years old they had no interest in celebrating. Following the buzzer to end the game, they shook hands with toronto and left the ice and went home. They simply had no interest in celebrating as what they had done was easily the most emotionally draining thing that had ever happend in their short lives and they simply wanted to be with each other, not with the cheering crowd. They saw nothing to cheer about.

While that sounds like something from a Hollywood movie or cheesey Disney production, it’s all very true. It really puts things in perspective when you think about. Even as kids, they understood the tremendous weight of what had happened and responded to it with maturity far beyond their years. A man I know was a parent at the tournament for the Oshawa team and he said you couldn’t help but cheer for them… and shed a teer as they left the ice after the championship game.

I just thought I’d share that with out as it touched me.

Be Safe

Unions Scare Me

If any of you happen to work somewhere that is unionized, you should be a little bit frightened after reading this.

There’s a story in the news about a guy named George Pavlovszky who works for the city of Moncton New Brunswick here in Canada. He was fired, and quite rightly so I might add, after showing up to work drunk, armed with a shotgun and demanding to speak to his supervisors. Well, the Canadian Union Of Public Employees, or CUPE for short, has decided to file a grievance against the city to get him his job back. The city has said that they’re going to fight the case, thank God. A union representative said that even though the union has no legal obligation to fight for the man’s job, he paid the ultimate price in the workplace by having been fired.

So what about the people that Pavlovszky was trying to hunt down? Couldn’t they have paid the ultimate price in the workplace by being killed by a drunken union member? I guess that doesn’t seem to matter to these people. I know unions are all about protecting workers who have no business being protected from anything, let alone employed half the time but come on, this is going a little too far. This guy is potentially a danger to everybody there, and CUPE, which is one of the biggest unions in the country, still feels the need to fight for him. By the way, I should also mention that Pavlovszky is currently in jail after being convicted on weapons charges following the incident.

The story never mentioned where this guy worked, but for some reason, I’m betting on the post office.