>The SWAN Turned Me Into an Ugly Duckling!

>I don’t know how to feel about this invention. Ok, let me try and break it down as best I can. They’re trying to invent this navigation system for blinks called SWAN, which stands for System for Wearable Audio Navigation. It’s supposed to help you navigate, and let you know about nearby objects and such. It’s sort of like a GPS and a cane/dog all rolled into one.

On the positive side, they’re trying to make the sounds as unobstructing of other sounds, and as easy to interpret as possible. They are also using bone-conducting headphones, or “bone phones”, (eeewww that sounds wrong) to conduct the sounds via vibrations through the skull, which also sounds very distracting, and somehow not plug our ears. I’m very happy they realize that we do need our ears, though. So many other technologies designed to help us want to encase our ears or heads in something that obscures all the other noises we need to use to get around.

But here come the negatives. This is a list of things the user needs to wear to get this system to work. As you read this list, picture R2D2 or the Six Million Dollar Man.

  • A small laptop computer worn in a backpack.
  • A tracking chip.
  • Additional sensors including GPS (global positioning system).
  • A digital compass.
  • Special headphones called bone phones.

Beebeebooboobeebeeboobeeboobeeboobeebuzz. Just picture that array of technology walking down the street, and all of it necessary just to navigate. God forbid you want to carry anything else.

We already draw stares just by walking with canes or dogs. This will make people gawk! Gawk, point, and stand far, far away. No one will approach us to talk to us because it will look like we’re in our own little world. Can you imagine trying to go through airport security with that get-up on? I can see it all now. “just a second sir while I unstrap my arsenal of gizmos. No sir, I’m not trying to blow up the plane! Honest, I’m not a suicide bomber! That’s not a detonator pack for Christ’s sake! Can’t you see I’m blind? Oh yeah, probably not because you can’t see my face for all this technology! Now where’s the gate?” Beebeebooboobeebeeboobeeboobeeboobeebuzz.

Can you imagine what would happen whenever you walked into a store? Oh lord the shoplifting alarms would have a hissy fit!

This reminds me of the other gadgets, gizmos and thingamabobs that people have designed over the years. My earliest memory of one of these things was something called the sonic guide. It consisted of something that went over my ears. When I try to find descriptions of it now, it talks about something that was like a pair of glasses. My memories of it were of it feeling like a giant helmet, but I was only 3. It beeped in my ears. Looking back on it, I remember feeling like my head had been encased in a box that you’d use to ship something somewhere. Tightly packed in foam. I guess that was supposed to hold the sound in. IT would beep louder as you got closer to objects. It wasn’t very good outside because of the open spaces. But in any case, I felt completely cut off from the world, and I think this was the point when my parents realized that replacing my sight with something else was not going to work, and we just had to adapt. I’m glad they didn’t push on with this sonic guide thing, because apparently this beeping box cost quite a chunk of change and needed to be on a service plan because it needed frequent repairs.

Then there was the cane with the laser in it. Real good until you smacked into something at a good clip and broke the technology.

Some things, like the travel mate, I can see as kind of good for people who have hearing problems too. As far as I understand, you clip it to your belt and it vibrates to let you know when something is blocking your way, and some people who have significant vision and hearing loss use it to follow people in line, detect overhead branches, etc. But it’s not trying to do the whole sight shebang. It just notices when something is coming up in front of you, and it augments what you already are using.

And then there was this glove designed by someone at the University of Guelph. You wore a couple of cameras on your chest, a computer, and one glove with vibrating motors sewn into it. The cameras would be able to detect objects up to 10 Metres away and send a signal to the motors. The closer the object, the more intense the vibrations. This made me wonder if you would constantly be feeling these vibrating sensations wherever you went. A lot of objects could be detected in a 10-metre radius. I was a subject testing how easily it was to detect differences in vibration intensity, and at the end of the study, my finger was numb! I think at one point, I had to ask her to stop because I didn’t think I could give her accurate feedback anymore because the feeling in my finger had gone all funny. Would you want that all the time, wherever you were going?

I really appreciate all the efforts that various people have made to design us synthetic eyes. It’s very cool. But replacing what is an evolved human sense with technology just isn’t practical. It’s cumbersome. It’s far too prone to being made unreliable by things. It’s expensive. Sometimes, simple is just better. Take a cane. You go tap, tap, tap, bump, tap, tap, tap. Even a dog is simpler because the dog has eyes that already see, for the purposes of navigation, like a human’s. It just has to be trained. I think, of all the senses that you could choose to synthesize, vision is the hardest. Hell, no other sense got a whole chapter of my first-year psych textbook dedicated to it, but vision did.

They say they might make this into something that you can put into a cell phone. Maybe, then, it might be ok. But until then, I’ll pass on the android outfit, thanks.

Much Love to the Google Help Group and Panther

Oh! Watch me dance! Dance and dance and dance! Do you wanna know why? Because a very nice person helped me tweak the code so hopefully it looks better.

Here’s a note to anyone who’s blogging with Blogger. If you need any help at all with your blog, hoof it on over to the Blogger Help group and sign up to the how do I section. You’ll have to have a google account of some variety to sign up. Don’t worry. Even though there are like 35000 members, they only send you one email per day with all the threads in it. If you’re lucky, you will get helped by a user known as Panther. He is the awesome. I need to learn where he got his infinite patience and get some immediately. He put up with my endless barrage of questions and need to nitpick over the details. He also was very cool about the blindness thing.

Not only does he help out the hoards of blogger users, he runs 3 blogs. All Blog Templates Collection, Beta Blogger for Dummies, and Making Money with Google Adsense, Blogging and SEO.

I need to learn a lot from this wise man, and maybe he can help you too. Thank you, Panther!

Hey! Buddy! You do have the Right to Remain Silent, you know!

Um wow. Just when you don’t think you can possibly hear of someone being more stupid, you read this story. I can no longer write. I’m still laughing.

A Monroe man allegedly was amazed when told his estranged wife’s boyfriend survived a Nov. 30 knife attack, Snohomish County prosecutors said Thursday.

“What? I thought I stuck him like a pig … What do you mean he’s alive?” Marshall N. Byers, 28, allegedly said after his arrest.

Prosecutors included Byers’ alleged statement when they charged him in Snohomish County Superior Court with attempted first-degree murder and first-degree burglary.

Police think Byers broke into his estranged wife’s house in Monroe and stabbed her boyfriend in the chest and back while he was sleeping. The man, 28, was treated for five knife wounds, deputy prosecutor George Appel said in court papers.

Byers was tracked down in Eastern Washington after he reportedly bragged to a truck stop clerk that he was “on the run,” and she later called police.

When questioned by detectives, the defendant was surprised the stabbing victim was still alive and also told detectives that he had “premeditated the whole thing,” writing about it in his journal, Appel said.

When detectives examined a notebook containing what they believe are Byers’ writings, they found a passage wishing his estranged wife an “unspeakable” death.

“Her boyfriend, HA HA HA Boy o Boy he sure doesn’t have a clue what’s coming,” the passage allegedly continued.

Byers also allegedly told police he was high on methamphetamine during the attack, Appel said.

Well, at least he’ll make their job really easy for them. I love how it says police *think* he broke in and stabbed the guy. Um, wow. Talk about your honest criminal. Someone should sew his mouth shut for his own good.

Are Thoughts Flukes for Fluckes?

Here are a couple of tips for the would-be user of a counterfeit cheque:

  • When you pull into Wal-Mart and you see 40 police cruisers in the parking lot, it is wise to suppose that perhaps now is not a good time to use the cheque.
  • If you decide to push on, thinking that the occupants of these cruisers might be elsewhere, think again when you find 80 uniformed officers filling the store’s aisles for a charity event.

If you don’t follow these two simple rules, you’ll end up like Calvin Fluckes JR. of Detroit who, after finding 40, that’s forty, police cruisers in the Wal-Mart parking lot, still tried to pay for merchandise with a poorly-photocopied, fake cheque for $848. Surprise surprise, he was quickly apprehended.

What! the hell! was this man thinking? I don’t know, if I was going to commit a crime, I wouldn’t do it where 80 people who could throw me in jail were right on location. At the very least, I’d decide to do it another day. If I were half-way smart, I’d think that since they’re all busy at Wal-Mart, I might have a chance with this cheque if I took it across town to the Home Depot. But that’s miles beyond the capabilities of our hero here.

I think the best part was a police officer openly calling him an idiot. Yes! He is an idiot! There is no argument!

Until Death Do Us Part? So We’re Talking Five Years?

When I first saw this mentioned in News of the Weird, I laughed. Now, when I read more, I still chuckle, but it’s less funny and more thought-provoking.

Let’s start off with the funny. Would you believe that 30 death row inmates have online profiles on dating sites? I didn’t at first either. They’re real cute on their profiles, saying things like “I think I’m a pretty funny guy. I have a wacked [sic] sense of humor. I can be a big kid at heart. I’m a hopeless (and I mean hopeless) romatic [sic].”

Well, ya got the hopeless part right, partner. What would your cheesy lines be? So…my place or mine? Or, I want to be with you until the end of my time. How about, I would give my last breath for your love. Oh wait. That’s not gonna work so well. That’ll move everything way too fast!

Then I thought, who the hell would date these guys? When I read more about their profiles, I found out that they don’t really disguise their death row status. Some of them even have pictures of themselves and blogs of their day to day lives, as it were. I think it’s twisted, but I can half understand someone getting to know a prisoner who’s going to get out and then falling in love with them. I still might think they’re a fool depending on what their hot prison lover did, but I can *maybe* understand it. But why would you date someone who’s never going to leave that cell? Your closest contact is going to be with the telephone receiver. I guess you can have phone sex then. Har har that was corny.

But this story gets more interesting. The discovery of profiles belonging to dead men walking has brought up an interesting point. These guys aren’t allowed to have internet! So someone else is posting the stuff for them. Plus, crime victim advocacy groups are mad and attacking MySpace, where these profiles were found, saying that they shouldn’t have been allowed in the first place.

Ok, so let me get this straight. These groups are saying that, on top of running a huge website, these people are going to have to do criminal background checks of everyone who signs up for a MySpace account? Would you submit to such a check? I don’t think so! So how do these people expect MySpace to screen out death row inmates? I agree that once you’ve found one and he’s doing illegal things on there, flag the account and nuke it! But I don’t see how these groups think MySpace is going to prevent them from getting on. I think that, if MYSpace had even thought about this possibility coming to light, they would have found the lack of internet privileges to be a pretty significant barrier. Who’s going to think that Uncle Joe is going to post stuff for a death row inmate? The thought would have never crossed my mind.

I love how they say that it’s horrible what these inmates are doing because MySpace is a place where young people gather to socialize and these people are making it unsafe. I think these groups have more to worry about when it comes to pedophiles who sign up than guys who have no hope of getting out. I agree that kids shouldn’t be going to meet guys on death row, but that’s where parents step in. It’s not MySpace’s job to supervise the nation’s kids! God, people forget that the point of MySpace is to be an unrestricted place where people sign up, and say whatever they want. When you creat that, some of the wrong people are going to come on board. So don’t blame MySpace, blame human nature.

Sure I understand the rage at the idea that some sicko is trying to get some kind of fan club going. But to that I say, direct your rage appropriately. Help to remove the accounts that need to be removed! Help MySpace wipe out illegal content! Don’t stand there and demand they do it all themselves. Help!

I Rest My Case

I don’t know what I’d recommend, but I don’t think going on a hunger strike when you’re on death row seems like an effective negotiation strategy. I agree the conditions he’s describing sound absolutely horrible and not fit for any living creature to live in, but when they have you in somewhere because you’re going to die, making yourself die sooner doesn’t seem like a good idea. I think this would be even less effective than going on a hunger strike to fight for raw milk.

Donate your Integrity to UNICEF today!

Man, all I can say when I read this story is, oh the irony.

Staff at UNICEF in South Asia are getting increasingly upset with the fact that the organization has partnered with Guchi for fund-raising purposes, with good reason. Here’s something that will kick your campaign, and your good name, squarely in the nuts. Guchi is owned by PPR. It has some Asian suppliers who like to use sweatshops to help lower some operating costs. Of course, we know that sweatshops like to exploit the very people UNICEF is trying to help. Um, oh dear. That’s bad, very very bad. How could somebody have not noticed that little detail? You’d think that, when partnering with an organization, you’d do a little research first. They must be really desperate for money. Ug I hate it when charities go bad. I’m just glad someone has the balls to fight to try and redeem them. I hope it can be done.

What is Butt Dust?

I got this sent to me, and since it made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself and Steve had to ask what all the shrieking was about, I think it belongs up here. Maybe it’s just my state of mind, but I thought it was awesome. I love the gifts from the inbox.

What is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is “Butt Dust”? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in a child’s sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six .”

>STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

>MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

>CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but
>dust…” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

I think there’s only one quote in there that freaked me out. Can you guess which one? Hope you enjoyed that.

Volunteer?

It looks like the guy who wanted to tattoo breakfast on someone’s head has found himself a volunteer. Yes, I said volunteer, as in will not be getting paid for this.

There’s no way I would ever allow anyone to do that to me, but at least the guy who has decided he will is going to try to raise a little money for a good cause, which is nice. I’d say everybody wins, but eventually young Blane Dickinson is probably going to come to the realization that he’s got a menu etched into his skull, and that he may have, in fact, lost.