Who are you and what have you done with google?

Ok. I can stop pulling my hair out, because I now know that all of what I’m about to talk about is not my fault.

Has anyone ever tried to search their own blog or any blog they’re currently on with that stupid google blog search button? Has anyone noticed that it’s about as useless as a round hole for a square peg? Well, I just did.

A long time ago, I noticed that I could never find anything on this blog that I knew I wrote about. I also noticed that after I was done typing in what I wanted to search for, the piece of shit would throw in a few extra words that looked like lines of code that I didn’t even know existed, so how could I have written them? I would also notice that even if I wrote in words that were definitely present on the blog, it would find nothing. Finally, this morning, I decided to do some research to figure out what in the blue fuck I could do to make this blogsearch thing work. It was then that I found out that the answer is that it, my friend, is fucked. Ron? Steve will get this if no one else does. yea blackout of 2003 memories. Anyway, on with the show.

I went to the blogger help and found out that…
a. that foreign code isn’t garbage, it does serve a purpose, but…
b. the blogsearch only has records of posts after the site feed was created and…
c. of those, it only has the ones it has deemed worth saving in its ssilly google blogsearch mind.

And this creation was unleashed by whom you ask? Google, the reigning and defending, undefeated and undisputed champion of the search engine world. Did they give this project to the google newbs? What the fuck happened?

It is a brilliant idea…provided it works. It’s too bad it’s been defective since birth.

What’s in A Name? Hopefully Not Cancer!

When you hear www.redgreen.com, or www.airfarce.com, where do you think they go? I think they go to Red Green’s website and the website for the Royal Canadian Air Farce, don’t you? Actually, I know they do. So, what would be the logical conclusion when you see www.cancer.ca? For me, I become frightened. I think that a tumour has developed so much that it has neurons within it and has designed a website to represent itself. Or, someone is evil enough to develop a site rooting for cancer. I picture a banner that says “WELCOM TO TUMOUR TOWN!” and a bunch of links like, “click here for the cancer cam,” “Kick chemo,” “donate to the fight against the fight against cancer,” and “buy your Melanoma merch here!” At the bottom where most people would have their hit counter, there would be a death meter with some sort of catchy phrase like, “Over 100000000 served!” Oh I feel sick now.

But there is a point to all this horrible rambling. Would you believe that that URL actually goes to the Canadian cancer society? Does that make any sense to you? That would be like ford having a website of chevy.com. People, cancer.ca might be catchy, but it doesn’t bring happy thoughts.

Was Yesterday Grumpy Day or Something?

I swear there must be some fact that the rest of the world is aware of, but through some miracle, I have been left completely in the darkabout it. Yesterday must have been national be pissed off day or something because practically everyone I ran into was super bitchy, if not to me, then to each other!

The first place I really noticed it was H and R block where I went to do my taxes. Now, here, I can understand a little unpleasantness. It’s the last business day before the deadline, and if you owe, you’d better get it done, or the government will release the hounds. Well, not literally, but you get the picture. Plus, the place was packed and they were running behind schedule. So, I can understand some resentment. But what I saw wasn’t just resentment. This old couple walked in to get their taxes done. My first thought was, “Look at the cute old couple.” But they ceased being cute immediately. The woman was very scared and pushy. She’d throw t-slips and mail from the CCRA at the poor woman who answers the phone and seats people. The man, well, if this is his everyday behaviour, is a dick. I admit she was a bit irritating, badgering him about why he didn’t want cash back today, even going so far as to say, “Hey, part of this is mine!” He kept saying he didn’t want to talk about it, and then at one point, he simply said, “Ruth, Fuck off!” Now picture the f word coming out of a man in his 70’s in a tax office. Strange picture, isn’t it?

Then he would just snap at her for making small talk. There were a ton of times when I’d hear him say, “Why do you care?” My mind was consumed with three thoughts:
1. God you guys are grumpy.
2. If you hate each other so much, you said you were common law, why don’t you just split and be done with it? You’re obviously not one of these sanctity of marriage couples.
3. I hope you don’t beat her, old man. The way you talk, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit to find out you do.

If that wasn’t enough sniping and bitching for one day, I got some more whenI called my friend’s house. Her room’mate picked up the phone and didn’t even bother with giving me the niceties of the word “hello.” All I got was, “yeah what?” What the hell kind of greeting is that? When I asked where my friend was, she got more irritated. Excuse me for calling my friend’s house and asking a simple question.

Later on, my friend and I were sitting on a bench minding our own business, when a car drove past us and the driver yelled, clear as a bell, fuck you! It was aimed at us because my friend said in this hillariously calm voice, “Thank you, and have a nice day!”

So what swarm of bees crawled up people’s colllective underwear and stung them, and how did I miss it? I’m glad I did, it seems like a pretty vicious sting.

Bring The Acoustic Noise

Here comes another of those goofy folky rap song covers I love so much.

This time it’s
Public Enemy’s Bring the Noise,
as performed by Brent Runyon.

I know nothing about Mr. Runyon other than that he’s written a book about his life, specifically the time he
attempted suicide by lighting himself on fire.
How he went from that to covering Public Enemy I have no idea, but I suppose I would if I read the book.

Speaking of the book, if anybody out there has read it, what did you think of it? The short excerpt was more than interesting enough to make me want to track it down, but other people’s opinions are always a good thing.

All Hail Stupidhead’s Replacement!

Well, folks, I have a new neighbour! I just met her and she scared the hell out of me because I heard some noise as if someone was trying to get into what once was Stupidhead’s apartment, and that wouldn’t surprise me since she has a lot of criminal friends. Oh wait, they’d crawl in the window, what am I thinking? Anyway, she introduced herself and said she’d be moving in tomorrow but not too early, since she didn’t want to wake anybody up. wow! Someone who wants to consider other people’s feelings! There is hope for this little building. Too bad I’m looking for another place to live soon.

To Serve and Protect and The People’s Court All On One Bus!

Today I had the weirdest bus ride. I got on a pretty quiet bus and it started to drive. It stopped to pick someone up and he got on the bus and showed his transfer. The driver said thanks and the guy walked away. The driver caught his attention and asked him to please either put the transfer in the garbage or give it to him. The passenger looked at him and walked away. The driver yelled for him again and said, “The rule is put the transfer in the garbage or give it to me. You can’t ride around all day on the same transfer.” Like duh. Where does that even work? The passenger responded with, “No. I want to keep my transfer as proof of payment.” At this point, we all wonder what this guy’s problem is. The driver asked him once more for the transfer and said if he didn’t do it, he’d have to call the police. I understand why, since in the last while, bus drivers have been beaten up by people who try to get on the bus with an invalid transfer and the driver says no. Come on, people, a bus ticket is 2 bucks. I mean, with the whole blinky thing, we don’t have to pay the bus fare, but even if I did have to pay it, I don’t think I’d be so poor and desperate that when a bus driver said I couldn’t ride and had to pay 2 bucks, I’d hurt him.

Anyway, back to our friendly neighbourhood weirdo. The passenger still said no. Now we definitely think he’s weird, because if the driver’s willing to call the police, why fight him over a stupid transfer? Is that little slip of paper really all that valuable? So the driver calls the police, and the passenger goes into this crazy rant about how the driver only wants to punish him because he hates his job, how stupid this is, why in hell would he call the police, etc. So we sit pulled over to the side and, after about 5 minutes, long enough to make everybody miss their buses downtown, the police officer comes on board. What follows makes me feel like I’m in an episode of To Serve and Protect, except nobody seems drunk. He asks the driver and passenger what’s wrong. When he gets to the passenger, Mr. Weirdo starts using all these way too official words. “Sir, if I’d only had the procedure explained fully to me, I would have had no issue with cooperating. I only want to reach my final destination, sir.” Seriously, what’s with that? Whenever you see people who look like total slobs on the People’s Court, especially slobs who are obviously in the wrong, they use all these needless, big words as if they’ll somehow impress the judge and make her say, “You’re just too smart to lose your lawsuit.” This looked like what the guy on the bus was trying to do. The police officer just cut him off and told him either handover the transfer or get off the bus. He grudgingly handed over the transfer and then the officer asked the driver if he was ok with the guy riding to wherever he wanted to go, after taking the weirdo’s name and birth date, and he said he was. Now, think about that. Because this idiot wouldn’t hand over a slip of paper, he’s written down in police files for causing a disturbance. I know it’s not a huge thing, but that whole pile of crap could have been so easily avoided.

As the police officer left, I thought to myself, “Damn! I wanted to see him drag our weird passenger friend off the bus!” At the same time, I realize thatI’m evil for thinking that. So what a needless waste of our time, the police officer’s time and the driver’s time! How hard could it have been to just do what he asked? I almost think this situation was more stupid than the screaming freak incident!

Meet My New Heroes

Whoever the men are who invented
this,
they’re super geniuses.

According to the site, the Beer Belly as they’re calling it can hold up to 80 ounces of liquid, and looks and feels exactly like a real beer gut, other than all the hair and stretch marks I guess.

The marketing pitch is pretty convincing too, since the idea is that you can strap this bad boy on, fill it up, go to a concert or a sporting event and avoid paying an arm, a leg and a small Mexican child every time you get thirsty. At $34.95, I figure it’ll pay for itself in no time flat. Think about it. At a lot of places, the hotdogs are $34.95, which leaves a lot of us broke and thirsty with no way around it.

But as cool as this whole thing is, I should probably throw a few tips out there because once human beings get involved, it’s only a matter of time until a fine idea is ruined forever.

  • Don’t use this thing in places you go to frequently and expect to get away with it. People will probably recognize you and wonder what the hell happened, especially when they see you out on the street much thinner before and after the fact.

  • Don’t drink and drive. I shouldn’t have to say that, but you know somebody’s gonna try it sooner or later.

  • As Carin says, “if you’re a woman, just don’t.”

But since I’m not a woman and drinking and driving really isn’t in the cards, if any of you have 35 bucks you don’t know what to do with, Christmas is coming up and I can think of at least 1 blog writing guy who wouldn’t object to seeing one of these under his tree.

Fruit Is Like Oxygen

Ok, thanks to me and my stupid titles, I can’t get that old love Is Like Oxygen song out of my head now. I hope somebody knows which song I’m talking about so I won’t be alone. It’s one of those songs that once you hear it, or even think about it, it’s in your head for hours, sometimes days. Oh well, I have no one to blame but myself, and to be honest, I think I’d rather have that song in my head for a hundred years straight than think about what inspired me to use that title in the first place. Speaking of which, I should probably get to that.

I need to apologize to a whole lot of people, so here goes.

To anybody I’ve ever made fun of for buying bottled water, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying that paying for water might just be the stupidest use of perfectly good money there is. I didn’t mean that. Ok, I suppose I did, but starting today, if ever you hear me saying something like that, it’s just me talking out of anger or moodiness and not saying what I truly feel.

Furthermore, I would also like to add that you are not in fact morons, idiots, dumbasses or fucksticks. Ok, maybe some of you are, but it’s not simply because you buy tap water and think you’re making a healthy choice by doing so.

So why the sudden change of heart? Simple. I just found out that soon you will be able to buy
cans of fruit-flavoured oxygen,
and quite frankly, any person who would be foolish enough to do such a thing deserves my wrath far more than any bottled water consumer ever could.