Look at Me, I have a Cell Phone!

What is it with some people and cell phones? Some people have cell phones, but they’re there for emergencies, or they use them, but they’re discrete about it. With some people, it’s hillarious to watch them when their cell phone rings. they just don’t know how to answer the thing it rings so rarely. Hell half the time you have to tell them, “dude, that’s yours.”

But then there are the other people, the ones that give the cell phone it’s bad name. It’s like they think that because they carry a phone that they are somehow more important. First there are the loud talkers. It’s like they have to announce to everyone that they’re going to meet Joe and Bob downtown, and yes they’re on the bus right now. Come on, you don’t need to yell, there is a mic in the mouthpiece.

Then there are the ones that are always available. They leave the bloody cell phone on even when they’re in class and can’t answer it if they wanted to. Then, after it rings once, they don’t have the intelligence to, ya know, turn it off. It’s one thing to forget it’s on and then it rings. oh crap. But at that point, turn it off and save yourself the humiliation and us the irritation of hearing your cell phone incessantly singing. If your cell phone is your only phone, then get voice mail and turn it off in class. And aren’t these always the ones with elaborate ringtones? So you’re sitting in class, and from behind you, some work of Mozart is being played in all its synthesized cell phone glory. Come on, it’s a ringtone. Wouldn’t, ring ring be enough? I can’t believe what is being turned into ringtones now. Somebody’s cell phone clucks llike a chicken when it rings.

And now, we have cell phones that speak the time. Stellar. What’s not so stellor is its use in the middle of a speech. Seriously, I was sitting at a table with a guy who thought he was the king of Spain or something, and he would always check the time on his cell phone and it would speak it out in a loud tinny voice, right in the middle of someone’s speech. And he wasn’t even blind! Come on, use that big round thing with hands and a face called a clock? Ya know? Or, they have real neat miniaturized ones you can wear on your wrist, they’re called a watch! What a concept! Or, at least have the decency tomuffle the voice!

And here’s a kicker. Yesterday I was sitting in class, and the prof’s cell phone went off. And he answered it! And then he asked us all to say hi to his wife! Then it rang again, and he answered that one to! Like come on, turn it off when you teach! Is something so life and death happening that you have to have it on and answer every call? If there was, I’d understand, but he just had a relaxed exchange with his wife and then told her when he wasn’t teaching anymore.

What is with this phenomenon of needing to be constantly connected wherever people go? Does it make them feel better? Needed? Incredibly invaluable? I wish I had half the importance these people glued to their cell phones imagine they have. Even at half, I’d be pretty special.

Just When I Think I’ve Seen It All…

Today there was a gas leak in the building where my radio station is. Naturally we all had to be evacuated, thank God it was a nice day, that’s all I really have to say about that. I mean there’s no convenient time to almost blow up, but if you have to explode, it’s probably better to go out with a nice sunny day as your last memory rather than getting snowed on, freezing your ass off [at least until the inferno gets you,] or getting rained on. But whatever, that’s not really the point.

The gas leak in itself wasn’t really all that eventful. It happened, we all got the hell out of the building, and then we were eventually let back in once somebody decided that it was safe. And there’s where the fun began.

I headed back inside about 5 or 10 minutes after they gave the all clear. The first thing I noticed was that the person in charge of clearing the building must either be stupid, have no sense of smell, or both because there was still a pretty strong odour even before I got back in. But at the same time as I noticed that and questioned the wisdom of heading back inside, I noticed another smell. Cigarettes. Yes, I said cigarettes. There was honestly somebody standing right in front of the building, the one that we had all ran out of in a frenzy not an hour earlier due to a leaking flammable substance that could blow us all sky highat a moment’s notice, having a smoke. I hope I don’t have to explain why that’s not a good idea.

All the way home I could only think one thought. It must be people like this that they write the warning labels for. But the more I think about it, that can’t possibly be, because in order for that to be the case you would have to rely on these people to have sense and smarts enough to take the time to read something and even if they did, they’re still faced with the daunting task of figuring out what it all means.

I have no good ending for this so I’m just going to go make lunch now.

Someone Will Buy This

I’m not making this up, I swear. This is an actual advertisement for an actual product that actual people will actually buy.

Sometimes I wish I worked in the marketing industry just so I could sit in on the meetings and get a look at the ideas they reject, since this is the kind of stuff they approve.

Practice Your Putting on the Potty
Introducing the Tee-Time Bathroom Golf Set

As any true golfer will tell you, you can never spend too much time practicing your golf game. And with the Tee-Time Bathroom golf set, you can utilize every minute spent in the can to practice your putting skills.

Just unroll the portable green and putt away. And it makes a great gift for that golfer in your life that already has everything. Order yours today for $19.99.

The toilet time golf game lets you practice your putting while going to the bathroom. Sure it sounds funny, but for the golfer that just can’t get enough of the game, it’s the perfect gift item.Set includes:

*Portable Putting Mat
*2 Golf Balls
*Putter
*Cup with Flag
*Occupied Sign

Part of me hopes this is some kind of a joke that they forgot to mention in the ad, but part of me wants to meet the guy who sees this thing in the store and goes “hey, that’s a good idea!” Then again, that part of me would probably regret having to have a conversation with that person so maybe I should retract that statement.

Real Band Names

Here is a list of supposedly real band names. I can’t speak for all of them but I’ve heard of a few so since I’m too lazy to do research, I’ll just assume that the rest are too. But even if they aren’t, some of them are pretty funny and need to be used as soon as possible.

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:

[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara’s Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady’s Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d’Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler’s Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie’s Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah’s Waitresses
· Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan’s Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl’s Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler’s Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan’s Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy’s Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We’re Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow’s Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress

Do I scare you?

And now, let’s make a complete U-turn. As I look at all these bitching posts, I have to wonder, what do you guys think of me? Not that my life depends on what others think of me, but sometimes I get curious.

And…there’s another reason. I’ve had a history of being called less than flattering things. I’ve been called a force of nature, a bitch, just plain scary, and people would just make references to how I seemed angry all the time. At first, I shrugged it off as a few people who didn’t know me well, or there was a reason I was a bitch to them and it was just in that context. A small part of me was proud that I could strike fear into people. “Little me? Scary? Way cool! I must harness this power.”

But then, people who didn’t know me well at all, and would have a couple chance meetings with me, or people I had no intention of scaring, started making comments, and then I got worried. I don’t want to scare people. I don’t want to be intimidating. I want people to know that they can’t walk all over me, but I don’t want to be this horrible monstrous person that people run away from in fear. Of course I can’t ask people who I know are a little freaked at me why they feel this way, because they immediately reply, “No, you’re not scary.” Somehow they think this will make me feel better. But I know it’s not true, because they’ll also apologize at the drop of a hat when they think they’ve offended me.

So, do I scare you guys? Be honest, I wanna know. Really, I won’t bite your head off.

Selling Out to the Man

What is it with people? As soon as they think about opening a business and there might be profit involved, they undergo a metamorphosis. They go from normal human beings with principles to greedy whores. I know money talks, but does it have to become a ventriloquist and turn you into the dummy? Someone I know just showed me how driven he is by money. He’s thinking of starting an internet radio station. Cool. And he needs to find a way to pay for it. cool. And he’s going to pay for it by using one of the more obnoxious forms of advertising. Not! Cool! It’s like he’s forgotten what it’s like to surf the net and stumble onto one of the sites using what he wants to use. Actually the worst part is he *hasn’t* forgotten. He just doesn’t give a flying fuck. All that matters to him is forcing people to trigger the ads so he’ll get paid.

And the worst part about this is the ads he’s using aren’t just annoying, for us blinks, they can sometimes make a site unnavigable. Let me explain. Some ads, so that you see new ads every so often, will make the page reload at intervals. And what does that do to our screen-readers, boys and girls? It makes them pop to the top of the page too. So you’ll be reading a nice story about something..and bang! You have to start again. If this happens often enough, forget being able to read the story, because for us, you can’t just scroll down. You have to search for where you were. This cuts down the time you have to finish reading the story before the next click..trip back to the top.

Wait, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is *he’s* blind. So not only is he using annoying ads, he’s using annoying ads that screw up reading of the site for other blind people. And he’s doing this because…he just wants to maximize his revenue! On top of that, if he went to one of his favourite sites and they chose to put those ads up, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts he’d be the first to email them and tell them the site was unnavigable and that they’re screwing themselves out of the blind market. And ya know what that site’s webmaster would probably do? Laugh at him and tell him the blind market was small. And he’d get pissed. And I’d tell him to suck it up, because that’s the exact message he’s sending us by plastering refreshing crap ads all over his own site. We don’t matter, and all that matters is him getting the most money possible.

I understand that some people don’t know any better when they implement these ads. Maybe they’re not really that annoying to sighted people, although I can imagine they must be. They just look at the ad program and go, “Easy to put up, will do it on its own, cool! We’ll get paid.” It’s when people do know better, and because they’re motivated by their back pocket, they do it anyway that I get pissed off. I also understand that running an internet radio station isn’t cheap. But if you’re so broke that you have to depend on these ad programs at the expense of your principles, perhaps now’s not the time to run your station. I have nothing against ads by themselves. If he just used a banner or two and it didn’t turn the site into a nightmare, go right ahead. The man’s gotta get paid. I’d even click on the banner. But once you start forcing me to see new ads, so much so that I can’t get around the site or it’s a pain in the ass somehow, I don’t like being forced. I just won’t come back to the site. there are other places where I can get my music.

So, if I ever turn greedy and money-grubbing, somebody shake me before the metamorphosis is complete!

We Make No Sense

My friend Jen sent me an article out of the newspaper. It was about this woman who had some kind of chemical imbalance 15 years ago that caused her heart to stop for a few minutes. They managed to get it started again, but it left her severely brain-damaged. She can breathe on her own, but she has to be fed through a tube. And she has been kept alive like this for 15 years.

Now here comes the fun. Her husband claims she never wanted to be kept alive this way, said so, and says they should let her die. He’s been fighting for years to have this happen. Her parents claim she is not completely hopeless in the brains department because they think she does respond to their voices, and they think she will get better. It’s been 15 years, but that’s beside the point. They don’t think she should die, want the husband to no longer be her legal guardian, think he just wants her dead so he can go marry his girlfriend that he’s had for a few years and has kids with. Both sides think the other is after some money from a malpractice suit, and it’s become a bitter battle.

It gets better. Wanna guess how they propose to let her die? By removing the feeding tube! Isn’t that absolutely disgusting? Not by a shot of something, not by quick and merciful means, no. Let her starve to death, which could take a month! I agree that it’s ridiculous to keep someone alive who had said that she didn’t want to be kept this way for so long, and that it’s probably best to let her die because let’s face it folks, her brain is not going to spontaneously heal if it hasn’t done so for 15 years, but let’s be humaine about it!

And here’s where things really start to not make sense. The most vocal of protesters who have all kinds of ridiculous signs up like “Execution: it’s not just for the guilty anymore.” are also heavy religious people, anti-abortion activists and pro-life advocates. If you really think about that, they’re always against us taking an active role in ending lives or deciding whether people should live or die. But didn’t we take a rather active role in keeping her alive for 15 years? God didn’t put that feeding tube down there. It just pisses me off when I see these people choosing when cases help their cause and when they should just keep their mouth shut. Wasn’t it religious people out there trying to say that Robert Latimer did a good thing? Hell they wanted to give him some kind of award and elevate him to Mother Theresa status! In my opinion, what he did was so much worse, in principal, than this, even if the means here is absolutely horrible. But the point is how can a group support one assisted suicide and be completely against another? Granted they aren’t the same physical people, but I always see this with these groups.

Another thing that gets me mad is protesters out there trying to defend someone, and they don’t even know if that someone wants their defense. I doubt the lady in a coma wanted 30 people to keep a vigil outside the hospice where she is, hold up those ridiculous signs, and just get generally involved in the private matter of her life. It’s one thing if she asked for support and people took up her cause. It’s completely another when people do this of their own free will because they think it’s the right thing. Stick to causes where you have been enlisted to help, folks.

And then there are her parents. I understand a parent’s need to save their child, and that infinite hope that they will get better. But they make a point of saying they are devout catholics. Then they say they’ve been urging her husband to divorce her and let them take care of her. Isn’t that, like, completely against the “til death do us part” part that religious people get so anal about? I just love how everybody picks and chooses what suits them from a given set of convictions.

They’ve removed the feeding tube now, so this crap begins. I just don’t understand why it has to be the way of the feeding tube that she has to die. With all the stuff we have now, and how deeply the courts have been involved, it’s not like her death would be criminal. Hell they’ve made it legal that the tube be removed. How about finding a better way for her to die? The whole case just bothers me, and a lot of it just makes no sense.

Cereal Box Textbooks

Ok, I’m pissed off. I was writing this beautiful post, and then my computer decided to take a big cack of doom, and the post died with it. So I’m going to try and recreate the coolness that was that post.

The other day I was reading my Evolutionary Psychology textbook. Basically the premise of Evolutionary Psych is that, just as our bodies have evolved features to survive in the environment, so have our brains. but since the vast majority of human history in the big picture was spent in the stone age, a lot of our behaviour still fits that time. And there are some cases where that makes sense. They showed that we are a lot better at dealing with problems where you ask, “How many times in a given day is this likely to happen?” than we are when it’s asked, “What are the odds…?” because the ability to do probabilities was only realized a few hundred years ago, but we’ve always needed to count how many berries there are, how many times the big ugly beast with teeth and claws comes hunting, etc. Yep, I follow. That makes sense.

But then there are some cases where there seems to be no logical root to what they’re saying. It seems like science has gone straight out the window, and if we’re lucky, mad science has taken its place, and if not, some idiotic philosophy is all you get.

I was reading some of this shit the other day, and it made me so unbelievably mad that I could envision myself hurling things at the textbook. The chapter was on the evolution of abnormal psychology, or mental illness. First it tried to say that depression was a natural defense that kicked in when you’re losing a battle, you feel like the resources you’re spending are already too much, and it’s better to cut your losses. Hello, that’s not the way depressed people work. Instead of deciding to give up on one battle, they give up on *all* battles, except for the absolute bare essentials, and sometimes not even that much. How is that a beneficial trait? A defense? Choosing not to shower is not adaptive. Choosing to give up all your commitments and isolating yourself from family and friends is not adaptive. Ok ok ok, too modern for you? Choosing not to hunt for food is not adaptive. Not getting up to fend off predators is certainly not adaptive. How can they possibly even remotely think that they can explain depression this way? Just admit that you don’t know, shut up, and don’t give me this non-scientific what-if bullshit.

But the part that really got me mad was where they tried to say that suicide was adaptive, and evolved so that people who knew that they were a drain on resources and weren’t making babies would just kill themselves. Apparently this would also make their family members have more children because more resources would be available to them, so their genes would live on in their absence and they’d be the great glorious martyrs. First they tried to say that the elderly were most likely to commit suicide. I don’t know, but last time I checked stats, youth suicide rates were pretty damn high. I think the only thing that kills more young people are car crashes. Then they tried to say that homosexuals, people in hospitals and people in nursing homes and mental hospitals were high in suicidal thoughts. This was, in their opinion, because these people knew they couldn’t be sexually successful, so why not cash it in? Ok, wait a minute. How about the way they’re being treated? How about the fact that, at least gays and those in mental hospitals are shunned and treated badly by a lot of people. That has no effect at all? No no no. It’s because they can’t pop out a miniature collection of their genes and continue on the line! Ok, isn’t this a little unfair? After raling against psychology for saying that the environment is all-important and genes mean nothing for so many years, aren’t you just doing the exact same in reverse?

And finally, what in the good god damn gives these textbook authors the right to condone suicide as a possibly adaptive behaviour? Who the hell is ever a complete drain on resources? I don’t think there are many. And it pisses me right off that someone would even theorize that this is possible, and then back it up with flimsy scientific research! If you don’t know damn well about a statement like that, don’t! even! bother! publishing! it! It just makes you look bad, wastes precious paper, wastes our time, and could possibly give some suicidal people some dangerous ideas. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t talk about suicide. I’m just saying don’t say “Well, in some cases, maybe it’s a good idea.” That is never what anyone needs to hear, and shouldn’t have been published in the first place.

Ok I think I’m done. I just couldn’t believe I was reading what I was reading. I’ve seen horrible errors in textbooks before, but this was just unbelievably over the top, and I was absolutely appalled that it made it into the final draft without someone catching it and going, “Woe I don’t think that should get published.” I don’t believe in censorship, but I believe in the publishing of a good book!

Don’t Ask Me Where That Is, I Just Drive By It Every Day

Ok, where are these bus drivers’ heads? I get on the bus, but because I’m running behind schedule, I decide to instead of coming into the main place where the buses stop at the university, I’d go to a stop near where I was going since I heard that there was one. So I ask the bus driver to make sure. I said, “Do you stop near the Powel Building?” He says to me with a bewildered look, “I have no idea.” Bear in mind that this is a big building with signs that point at it saying Powell Building This Way. I decide to get on the bus anyway and tell him to start looking when he gets close to the Athletic Centre. Sure enough, as we aproach, he says, “Oh there’s a sign for it!” And this is a regular bus route. There were no detours, he travels it all the damn time. I have to wonder, what are these bus drivers looking at when they drive? If they don’t notice road signs as they’re driving on the…road, then what else are they missing?

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Hell, two different bus drivers who drive by it all the time had no idea where it was. One time I asked to be let off where all the residences are. Ya know, the big block of buildings that are residences. The response? “Where’s that?” How do you miss a whole set of residences?!?!?! And Steve posted about how one bus driver wasn’t even aware of a whole street! Holy zombification! I just hope that maybe today this bus driver was enlightened and knows where the Powell building is for next time…na, that’s being too hopeful.

You Are Here?

That’s right, we’re doing searches again. This one’s going to be fairly quick since a lot of this stuff makes fun of itself so I don’t have to say much.

Thanks, as usual, go out to the deviants and generally insane people who make this all possible.

I’ll warn you ahead of time, this is going to suck. It will by no means be nearly as funny as the last one or the ones before it. It will probably be even less funny than some of the ones that you might not have thought were that good.

08 Mar, Tue, 06:03:18
Yahoo:
Randy Orton’s naked pictures

Of who?

Ahh forget it, it’s not like whoever this is is going to get a grammar joke anyway, so I won’t waste my time.

07 Mar, Mon, 11:50:16
Yahoo:
fuck your wife in divorce court

I can’t decide if this guy is looking for a restraining order or a reconciliation.

14 Mar, Mon, 13:40:07
Yahoo:
masterbating with vomit

I’m not even gonna touch that one, but I bet if I did it would be squishy.

13 Mar, Sun, 18:25:00
Yahoo:
fucking lucky ass bitchs that write random lyrics and somehow get bands to sing it so that the writer gets money

I think it might be time for another translation contest. I’m lost.

14 Mar, Mon, 12:54:55
Yahoo:
The couple was arguing Saturday because the man, whose name was not released, wanted to end the year-old relationship, Shell said. The pair decided to have sex, and the man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. The woman pulled out a kitchen knife and severed his penis, police said.

I didn’t include this because I have no idea what this person is looking for, it’s because I do. This guy quoted pretty much every detail, word for word, from the severed penis article I posted a few weeks ago. What I can’t figure out is why would you waste your time if you have the whole thing in front of you? What new information could we possibly have to offer a guy who’s quoting half the article?

See, I told you this would suck. I’ll try to do better next time, but I’m only as good as what I have to work with.