Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

These made me laugh, and the site needs updating, so here they are.

~”I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

~”Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

~”Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”

~”Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

~”Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

~”Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

~”You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

~”That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

~”He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

~”Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?”

~”It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

~”HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left… …Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

No Marley No Film

BBC asks long-dead Bob Marley for interview

LONDON (AFP) – A red-faced BBC apologised for requesting an interview with Bob Marley, the Jamaican reggae legend who died 24 years ago.

BBC Three, one of the public broadcaster’s digital TV channels, sent an e-mail to the Bob Marley Foundation saying it wanted to do a documentary about his hit song “No Woman No Cry”.

It said the project would involve Marley — who died of cancer in May 1981 at the age of 36 — “spending one or two days with us”, and that “it would only work with some participation from Bob Marley himself”.

In a statement, the BBC said: “We are obviously very embarrassed that we didn’t realise that the letter to the Marley Foundation did not acknowledge that Mr Marley is no longer with us.”

Marley would have been 60 last February 6, a date that was celebrated with great fanfare by his legion of fans worldwide.

A BBC press officer, contacted by AFP in London on Friday, confirmed that the gaffe was not an April Fool’s joke.

This Is So Wrong

I wish that I’d known about this sooner. Perhaps if more of us had, this whole sad situation could have been avoided. What am I talking about you ask? Well, it turns out that for the last few months, Terri Schiavo has had her very own
blog,
and that as recently as March 27th, she was posting her thoughts and opinions on anything and everything for all of us to see. How could so many have missed this? It’s so wrong and on behalf of all of us Terri, I’m sorry.

People Are Cute Part 2

Well I couldn’t think of anything better, so there it is. I really don’t know why I’m writing about this, so hopefully I’ll write myself a point eventually. I didn’t do much for Easter, basically because my parents were just down a couple weeks ago to see my brother and I since we’re somewhat close to each other, so they didn’t feel like making the big 6 or so hour drive down again, which is completely understandable.

So I’m sitting here, reading for school for my last paper of my degree, and I hear at my door, “knock knock knock.” So I go to answer it, and it’s my neighbour. He’s just been awesome, you couldn’t ask for a better neighbour. He even shovels a little path when it snows.

Anyway, here he stands at my door with a package of goodies for me, wishing me a happy Easter! I felt like such a shmuck because I didn’t have anything for him. It was all wrapped up cute and there’s a bunny and some hot crossed buns. And here I thought I’d have no Easter treats because I felt like a loser buying them for myself.

And now everyone stares at me as if to say, “and your point is…?” I guess unexpected surprises are cool, provided they aren’t the bad kind of course. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

Goodbye Free Speech, Hello Government Controlled Education

Florida Republicans are trying to get a bill through the State’s House of Representatives that would allow students to file suit against university professors who they feel aren’t respecting or giving fair representation to their chosen religious beliefs, and even more frightening than that, their beliefs in general.

Dennis Baxley, the bill’s sponsor, says that the legislation, which is ironically titled The Academic Freedom Bill of Rights, is required because a university education should be more than “one biased view by the professor, who as a dictator controls the
classroom.”

I’m all for balance and fairness, but what’s being proposed here goes way too far. What ever happened to the concept of listening to what somebody is saying, processing it with your own brain power, and then using what you’ve heard and what you already know to formulate your own opinions on the subject and on the world as a whole? The idea that all sides of an issue need to be validated as right headed even when one side has been undoubtedly proven wrong is insane.

And let’s not even start on why, in a day and age where universities claim to be woefully underfunded and students claim to be broke, the State would think it wise to place more of a cost burden on either side over something as ordinary and vital as an academic personal opinion or more than that, a proven fact. What Baxley and his fellow party members are forgetting is that facts are legal and in most cases, so are opinions. I’d like to think that something like this, if it were to pass, would have 0 chance of surviving a constitutional challenge.

And while we’re on the subject of Republicans forgetting things, when did it slip their minds that one of their most dearly held principles is that government shouldn’t be involved in every aspect of the lives of the people? First The patriot Act, then Terri Schiavo, and now the education of future generations. I know I’ve probably missed quite a few along the way but my point is where does it end? I think Michael Moore was right when he wrote that the Republicans and Democrats should merge into 1 big party since it’s hard to tell one from the other anymore.

You can read the article that started all of this by clicking
here.

Something’s Wrong with this Picture

I was lying in bed last night and I had the TV on, and I heard something that kinda freaked me out. An oil of ole commercial came on, and that seemed ordinary enough, until I heard what they were selling. I think everybody knows what Oil of Ole is, right? They make stuff to put on your skin to make it look nicer. But this commercial was talking about how they are now making vitamins! Ya know? Pills? Something to take to give you antioxidents to give you younger-looking skin.

Does this scare anyone else? Should a company that makes creams for the face be making drugs? I know it’s just vitamins, but vitamins are still drugs! You’re still taking it and who knows what’s in it? I don’t know. I just find it kinda creepy that people who don’t specialize in drugs are making them now. Next we’ll have toothpaste companies making vitamins to give us stronger teeth, shampoo companies making vitamins to give us shinier hair, who knows? Stick to what you know, thank you very much!

Look at Me, I have a Cell Phone!

What is it with some people and cell phones? Some people have cell phones, but they’re there for emergencies, or they use them, but they’re discrete about it. With some people, it’s hillarious to watch them when their cell phone rings. they just don’t know how to answer the thing it rings so rarely. Hell half the time you have to tell them, “dude, that’s yours.”

But then there are the other people, the ones that give the cell phone it’s bad name. It’s like they think that because they carry a phone that they are somehow more important. First there are the loud talkers. It’s like they have to announce to everyone that they’re going to meet Joe and Bob downtown, and yes they’re on the bus right now. Come on, you don’t need to yell, there is a mic in the mouthpiece.

Then there are the ones that are always available. They leave the bloody cell phone on even when they’re in class and can’t answer it if they wanted to. Then, after it rings once, they don’t have the intelligence to, ya know, turn it off. It’s one thing to forget it’s on and then it rings. oh crap. But at that point, turn it off and save yourself the humiliation and us the irritation of hearing your cell phone incessantly singing. If your cell phone is your only phone, then get voice mail and turn it off in class. And aren’t these always the ones with elaborate ringtones? So you’re sitting in class, and from behind you, some work of Mozart is being played in all its synthesized cell phone glory. Come on, it’s a ringtone. Wouldn’t, ring ring be enough? I can’t believe what is being turned into ringtones now. Somebody’s cell phone clucks llike a chicken when it rings.

And now, we have cell phones that speak the time. Stellar. What’s not so stellor is its use in the middle of a speech. Seriously, I was sitting at a table with a guy who thought he was the king of Spain or something, and he would always check the time on his cell phone and it would speak it out in a loud tinny voice, right in the middle of someone’s speech. And he wasn’t even blind! Come on, use that big round thing with hands and a face called a clock? Ya know? Or, they have real neat miniaturized ones you can wear on your wrist, they’re called a watch! What a concept! Or, at least have the decency tomuffle the voice!

And here’s a kicker. Yesterday I was sitting in class, and the prof’s cell phone went off. And he answered it! And then he asked us all to say hi to his wife! Then it rang again, and he answered that one to! Like come on, turn it off when you teach! Is something so life and death happening that you have to have it on and answer every call? If there was, I’d understand, but he just had a relaxed exchange with his wife and then told her when he wasn’t teaching anymore.

What is with this phenomenon of needing to be constantly connected wherever people go? Does it make them feel better? Needed? Incredibly invaluable? I wish I had half the importance these people glued to their cell phones imagine they have. Even at half, I’d be pretty special.

Just When I Think I’ve Seen It All…

Today there was a gas leak in the building where my radio station is. Naturally we all had to be evacuated, thank God it was a nice day, that’s all I really have to say about that. I mean there’s no convenient time to almost blow up, but if you have to explode, it’s probably better to go out with a nice sunny day as your last memory rather than getting snowed on, freezing your ass off [at least until the inferno gets you,] or getting rained on. But whatever, that’s not really the point.

The gas leak in itself wasn’t really all that eventful. It happened, we all got the hell out of the building, and then we were eventually let back in once somebody decided that it was safe. And there’s where the fun began.

I headed back inside about 5 or 10 minutes after they gave the all clear. The first thing I noticed was that the person in charge of clearing the building must either be stupid, have no sense of smell, or both because there was still a pretty strong odour even before I got back in. But at the same time as I noticed that and questioned the wisdom of heading back inside, I noticed another smell. Cigarettes. Yes, I said cigarettes. There was honestly somebody standing right in front of the building, the one that we had all ran out of in a frenzy not an hour earlier due to a leaking flammable substance that could blow us all sky highat a moment’s notice, having a smoke. I hope I don’t have to explain why that’s not a good idea.

All the way home I could only think one thought. It must be people like this that they write the warning labels for. But the more I think about it, that can’t possibly be, because in order for that to be the case you would have to rely on these people to have sense and smarts enough to take the time to read something and even if they did, they’re still faced with the daunting task of figuring out what it all means.

I have no good ending for this so I’m just going to go make lunch now.