Men And Women

I have no idea who wrote this but somebody sent it to me and it’s kind of funny so I thought I’d post it here.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it…………….

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

That’s The Problem

This comment was left under my last post about not making the Olympic team.

Ya, it must really suck when people ask how you’re doing and try to cheer you up and what not…..
Damn them and their stupid questions, how dare they give a shit about you.

After that considerate post I can’t say my heart bleeds for you.
Anonymous | 05.05.04 – 6:25 pm | #

First things first. The hole point of that post was to say I don’t ask for anyone’s heart to bleed for me. But I will clear this up.

I did say in that post that I appreciated the people who had taken time to see how things were going. The thing that bothered me were the types of questions. “How are you feeling?” after just having your goal taken away for a few years is a question that the answer to is pretty clear. I don’t feel all that great.

Most people have been respectful in the way they approach it but there are, of course, going to be exceptions to that. But, even to those who have handled as best they know how, it doesn’t make it any easier for me to discuss. I’m aware that there’s not much anyone can say and that people don’t know what to say… but neither do I.

It’s a tough thing and it’s something that until now I haven’t been prepared to talk about so when I’m forced in to doing so by someone who has taken some of their time to see how I am, it’s uncomfortable for both people. I’m not going to blow them off for being so considerate but at the same time I have no idea what kind of an answer to give because I have no idea how I feel about it personally, as of yet.

I posted what I did because this is a blog where I’m free to post my thoughts and feelings. That’s what I was feeling. I’m appreciative to everyone who has been pulling for me up until now. that does not mean that I know how to handle the situation I’m in right now. A blog is a free-wheeling stream of consciousness of a persons thoughts. Those were mine. If that makes me an asshole, than so be it. But don’t twist my words in to saying that I don’t appreciate those people in my life because clearly you have no idea what kind of person I am. These are the people who got me as far as I got. I didn’t finish the job and it’s uncomfortable and awkward for me and for them to discuss now. That does not make them, nor does it make me, any worse of a person. All it means is that I was voicing some of the thoughts that were in my head which I’m free to do since this is my blog. (Steve, is of course, free to do the same.)

Since you have chosen to judge me and the situation without knowing all of it, I hardly feel that I owe you an explaination but again, I’m free to voice my thoughts, as are you, and so I voiced my thoughts on your comment.

Everyone who has taken the time to talk to me has been appreciated. they know what it meant to me and that’s all that matters. Just because the conversations were awkward does not mean they were not appreciated. When things get awkward, people ask things that they may not normally ask because they’re just as uncomfortable as I am. For all I know, some of them regret saying things that they did. And the question that I brought up about “how do you feel” was asked by a guy I have a bad history with and who is on his way to the Olympics and I’m pretty sure it was a dig. So I won’t apologize for having made it a point to mention here.

In closing, feel free to comment on anything here on this site. But DO NOT twist my words around to change the point. Especially when you don’t know the full magnitude of the emotions that myself and the other people involved are going through. Thanks to the few of you who regularly visit this site who chose to e-mail me with just a few words to say your thinking about me. It was much appreciated and respectfully written. A nice gesture and I thank you.

My Lack Of Posting

Hey all,
Well I’ve been back from Montreal since Sunday night but not in much of a mood to post. I’ll get it out of the way right now and tell you that I wasn’t selected for the Olympic team this year. Ya… it sucks.

I haven’t posted sooner because I’ve been bombarded with a shitstorm of stupid questions from people I know personally ranging from “How do you feel?” to “Does it bother you?”. Yes, it’s been a frustrating few days.

I won’t sugar-coat it. The guy that was selected in the spot that I held deserved it. He outplayed me in every area of the game so kudos to him. That doesn’t make it any easier for me, though.

It’s something you work for for a long time and the chance is gone. Of course it’s only gone for this time and I”ll have another shot in a few years and I know all that. I’m just remarkably tired of hearing it.

Of course everyone phones and stuff to see how you did and I guess I appreciate that but you just got tired of talking about something that has let you down so much, answering the same questions, trying to make it sound like you’re okay when it’s tearing you up inside.

I’ve taken the last few days off of work because I’m just not ready to be around people. Not because I’m hiding from the questions or because I’m embarassed. I worked my ass off and was out-played by a better player. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of. But I needed some time for me to re-focus on my life as for the last while it’s all been about building for this. I just needed some time for myself and to rest and stuff as I’ve been mentally exhausted battling this for so long. I’m going back to work tomorrow and I’ll get even more stupid questions and the “aww you tried your best speech” but it’s gonna happen eventually I suppose.

The only person that I’ve enjoyed talking to about this so far is my girlfriend. She’s been great. She doesn’t try to sugar-coat it or turn it around. She knows my mood ain’t gonna change and she’s just kinda there for me and will talk about it objectively unlike most people who are so “pro-me” (just because they know me and not the other guys) that they think I was somehow robbed or something. It’s really the only sanctuary that I have. She knows what it meant to me and that it will just take time. There’s nothing her, or anyone else for that matter, can say to turn it around … so really she doesn’t try. She’s just there for me. It will just take me some time to get back to my normal self. Getting back to work tomorrow I suppose will be the first step in that direction.

I don’t know how much I’ll post in the next few days but I did say I’d let you know how it went and today I finally felt like I wanted to do so. I’m sure as I come back around I’ll get back to my normal posting schedule, whatever that is.

Thanks guys.

The Angry Blind Man’s 6 O’clock News Recap

I’m going to try something that I’ve never tried before because I need to take my mind off of a few things and making fun of people I’ve never met before and venting my anger on them seems like a good way to accomplish that. So with the snappy little introduction complete with reasoning out of the way I present to you…

THE ANGRY BLIND MAN’S 6 O’CLOCK NEWS RECAP

CKCO News At 6, here we go!

*Our top story tonight is the crazy high gas prices that just keep going higher. I personally can only give half a fuck about this because I don’t drive, but it does hurt the people who have to drive me around, which explains where the half of the fuck I do give comes from.

This story gets a full report complete with outraged area residents, Shocked Man and Woman Who “Doesn’t Like It.”

Wow, there’s people dying all over the world but we get to see people getting pissed off about spending $73 to fill up their vehicles in 2 different cities. Simple answer to the problem, sell the SUV, ya jerkoff.

*Ok, moving right along, talk turns to tonight’s Toronto hockey game, complete with jubilant area residents who probably drove to the sight of the party they’re at in their cars, using up more of their gas so that tomorrow they can become outraged area residents again. “Go Leafs Go” seems to be the prevailing sentiment of the moment. This will be followed closely by “go fuck yourself, you oil company owning sonofabitch.”

*An early morning truck fire made a mess of an area road…and it’s in my city, that’s pretty sweet. Flaming dirty hospital bedding backing up traffic for about 10 kilometres, gotta respect that, not sure why, but you just do.

*Moving away from my current city to another that I used to live in, a big load of tires went up in flames in the Brantford area. Homes were evacuated because of smoke and because tires burn like a mofo. Wait, I missed something here, this happened a while back and now there’s some legal rangling over who’s going to be responsible for paying to clean it up. Outraged area residents, you know the drill, let’s move on.

*A car accident near Kitchener didn’t kill some people that I don’t know and nothing funny happened. Why would they even report on it at that point?

*Now we’re talking about the funeral of a University of Waterloo professor who was killed in trinidad where he was vacationing, and who is almost worth a post of his own. He was held up by some locals who wanted his money. He tried to get away by flagging down a passing car…which turned out to be driven by the robber’s accomplice who promptly shot him in the fucking head. You ever get the feeling that somebody’s trying to tell you something? I guess it’s true what they say, when it’s your time it’s your time. By the way, for those who are wondering about the reaction of area residents, they’re sad this time.

*Big pot bust in my city, over 175 marijuana plants were discovered in the grow opperation. It’s just a tragedy that all that stuff will never get to be enjoyed, most tragic thing on the news so far. Colour me an outraged area resident.

*Keeping with the marijuana theme, a Vancouver day care centre has been shut down after it was discovered that the facility was doubling as a home grow opperation.

“No wonder those kids always wanted so many fucking cookies all the time,” an outraged area parent said when reached for comment.

*Moving on, we have a story about the rash of vandalism at Jewish cemeteries that has been taking place in recent months. I can’t think of a really good Jew joke on the fly, oh wait, I can but it’s way too mean, even for me.

*Gang members turned informants who were involved in a Quebec biker trial are upset at the police for not providing them with the new identities they were promised when they ratted out their friends with guns who said they would kill them if they ever turned informer and ratted them out.

Gang member Bob Johnson, who asked not to be identified said that he was disappointed at the situati…then the connection suddenly went silent after a loud pop.

*Woe, a big giant bear up a tree in a residential neighbourhood. Unfortunately for local media who could have a field day with this sort of thing, nobody was hurt and the bear was dealt with by area animal control officials.

*Now comes our first look at the weather that really says not much and serves little more purpose than giving the weather guy some camera time.

*Oh boy, here comes street talk, my favourite part of the news.

Today’s question: With the increasing gas prices, how will your driving habbits change?
Steve answers: Well I’ll just have to figure out which of my friends and family have the most money and kiss up to them so that when I need them to, they’ll be happy to drive my blind ass around. I don’t really care if they raise bus fair since I don’t have to pay for it but if they raise cab prices I’ll be even more pissed off than I am right now.

You know, that was more thoughtful than any of the answers that were actually given on TV but most of the time that’s the case anyway. I’m reminded of my favourite answer to any street talk question.

Question: Who would you most like to see in a celebrity boxing match?
Steve’s answer: Crhistopher Reeve and Steven Hawking.

Come on, tell me you wouldn’t pay good money to watch that.

*Some bad ass stuff happened to a baby, she was abused by nurses who were hired to help care for her. She was caught on hidden camera beating the shit out of this kid, she’s on trial now. I’m not sure how to feel about things like that. On the one hand I’m not a big fan of the idea of being filmed everywhere I go but on the other hand, she shouldn’t have been abusing the kid and she deserved to get caught.

*The Agriculture Ministry has announced some sort of plan to help tobacco growers hurt by recent cutbacks in their industry. My attention was diverted at this point so I’m not really sure what the details are but I did turn back in time to catch a glimpse of an outraged area tobacco farmer.

*the province is trying to crack down on drivers who don’t stop for school busses. There is talk of hefty fines and all the usual things that are talked about when new laws are proposed.

I say just build some bigger and stronger school busses and let a few of these arseholes who think that their time is more valuable than everyone else’s get hit by one every now and then. If that won’t learn ya, nothing will.

*The Canadian Cancer Society has given out grants to 35 organizations who are doing research. Even I’m not heartless enough to make fun of that, nor am I in the mood to think of a way to do it. Actually that’s more the reason than the heartless bit.

*A local college is teaching a group of students how to build a drag racing car. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong there.

*Moving right along, people are building things for some sort of skills competition that I don’t quite understand. I’m not sure what they’re building, but it’s some sort of happy fun competition for young people hoping to get construction jobs. That’s right kids, aim high.

*Our Lady Of Grace Catholic School presented a production of A Mid Summer Night’s Dream today. The play was said to have gone off without any problems although many spectators said that they didn’t remember the part where the priest molested all of the child actors.

*I think our Government is a little nervous about the election and their chances of winning it. They haven’t even called the thing but they’ve already got their commercials all planned and produced, complete with attack ads aimed at the guy who’s in second place. That’s sort of funny because they’re in the middle of trying to make a big advertising scandal go away right now so you’d figure they wouldn’t be all that eager to get on the commercial production. Oh irony, how I love thee.

*The people responsible for kidnapping a Canadian man and holding him hostage in Iraq are asking for 50000 dollars to buy his release. Gees, I can think of a few people who need to watch a few more action movies. Everybody knows that the evil Arab guys never get what they want and that their plans for world domination are always foiled by a day saving martial arts expert. Come on guys, do a little research next time.

*Staying with hostages in Iraq we come to the guy who’s name eludes me right now, the one from the States who escaped and ended up getting rescued. It turns out that he actually escaped twice but he couldn’t get in contact with anybody from the US to help him get away so he ended up getting recaptured. Am I the only one who thinks that there’s more to that story than we’re getting?

I missed the rest of this story because the speech this dude gave was cracking me up. Not what he was saying, but the way he was saying it. I wish I could do voices in writing, it really needs to be heard. He sounded more scripted and wooden than most politicians if that helps.

But on a happy note, he is recovering in Germany and is looking forward to going home where he will resume his life as a local area resident with about 6 of his 15 minutes of fame left.

*Israel’s military fired a missile into a refugee camp in retaliation for an attack that took place over the weekend. I guess if you have to look on the bright side though it should be noted that nobody’s home was destroyed since well, everybody there was pretty much homeless anyway.

*More coverage of the return of SARS to China. But since SARS already gets way too much attention I’m not even going to bother joking about it right now. I’ll just mention that more people die every year from the flu and other illnesses and move on.

*Wild fires are continuing to burn in California.

In a related story, we have a new most tragic news item of the night, tragic because they’re eventually going to put those fires out, rendering my area residents were said to be crispy joke almost entirely unuseable.

*And at this point the recap is cut short since I was forced to run for my life when the fire alarm went off again. It turned out to be nothing more than somebody not knowing how to cook and burning something really bad so it wasn’t as much of an ordeal as last time. It did cause me to miss a bunch of the newscast however so I’m just cutting it here.

I hope that at least some of you enjoyed this. Maybe I’ll do it again some day, it was kind of fun. I guess only time will tell.

All I need now is one of those sign off things like newscasters use, one of those things like “that’s the way it is” or “that’s the kind of day it’s been,” something like that.

Wait, I’ve got it, check this out.

Bye.

Yeah, that’s awesome, I think I’ll stick with it.

Goddammit!

If there’s anybody out there who saw my post about the Hot Hot Heat CD review I did and wanted to read it but hadn’t hit the link yet, I should probably let you know that that link doesn’t work anymore. If you click there you’ll go to a review, but it’s just not the one you were looking for.

Instead you’ll be taken to a review of Short Music for Short People, a really fantastic punk compilation. I suggest you go and read all about it and maybe even buy it. There’s even a handy little button right on the page that will let you do just that, and you’ll be supporting Salty Ham at the same time.

As for where you can find Hot Hot Heat, go to the main page of
Salty Ham
and look around for it. It’s still on the main page under the Classic Music Reviews heading.

I think in the future I’m going to stop linking directly to things like that since the way that the site is set up, the links swap themselves out when new content gets posted. I’ll link to the reviews sections and when I actually start writing columns again [which will be soon by the way] I’ll link to the archive page like I’ve always done.

Sorry for the confusion.

Cross Your Fingers For Me Guys

Well, I won’t be posting for a few days as I’m off to Montreal for our final selection camp to name the Olympic team. I’m pretty excited and pretty nervous as I’m sure you can imagine. I don’t have much to say as I’m trying to get myself focused on what I gotta do but I just thought I’d come on and just let everyone know I’m out for a while and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. Never hurts to have a little luck backing you up.

Have a good weekend and I’ll let you know how it went when I get back.

Something To Think About

I was just reading a story about how the Recording Industry Association Of America has filed suits against another 400 and some odd people for copyright infringement. By now most of you should probably know how I feel about those so I’m not going to get into that. But one thing that struck me funny was the rationale behind who the RIAA have chosen to sue in this new round of legal action.

Here’s a quote from the story I read.

“the organization highlighted its litigation against university students, this time at 14 separate schools. Record labels have been particularly concerned about high levels of music trading on campuses, where students often have access to fast Internet connections and little money for music purchases.”

So what’s so wrong with that? Well, let’s look at what that all means.

The RIAA are worried about college and university students who don’t have lots of money at their disposal downloading music and not buying it on CD’s or through places like iTunes, so in their infinite wisdom they respond in the most logical way possible, by suing them…for thousands of dollars per infringement. I guess that makes sense if you’re the most retarded retard to ever be retarded in the entire recorded history of retardedness. Come on, if the reason that students aren’t buying music is because they simply don’t have the cash for it, then how do you figure they’re going to pay the settlement, or hadn’t you thought ahead that far? Some days I honestly think that the RIAA should hire me to head up a common sense department because they obviously can’t be bothered to have any of their own.

But I suppose that if there’s anything positive we can take from this story it’s that we can all thank our lucky stars that the people plotting out the RIAA’s legal strategy are doing that rather than teaching math to our kids.

Happy downloading,

Steve