Starving Artist

An artist in London England who has spent the last 2 years of his life constructing a giant snot ball from mucus collected from his own nose is now ready to part with his creation.

James Robert Ford is searching for an art collector to buy the ball, which has already been displayed at 4 different art exhibitions and now sits in a glass case in his apartment. If you’re interested in buying it, you’d better start looking in your couch for lots of spare change. Ford is asking for $20000 for his um…sculpture I guess we’ll call it.

Why such a high price? Well, if you listen to Ford, the answer is really quite simple, even if it’s a little weird. He explains that the reason he’s charging so much for his “Bogey Ball” [I’m not making that name up] is that it’s something unique, something that is a part of his body that nobody will ever be able to replicate.

“It’s a physical record of all the different places I have been and people I’ve met,” he says, and scarily enough he’s making sense even though doing something like that is a pretty messed up way to keep a diary.

The crazy bastard has even gone so far as to calculate what he believes to be the cost of each piece of the ball and just in case you’re curious, he thinks each quality pick is worth around $18.

Ford says that selling his ball is going to be a bittersweet experience.

“It will be hard to let go, but at the same time it’s hard not to have any money,” he told reporters.

He’s broke? You’re kidding. I never would have seen that coming, not in a million years.

But you know what frightens me even more than the fact that this guy spent 2 years making this thing? The fact that somebody’s going to buy it from him, and that there will probably be a bidding war over it. Seriously, when you have 20 grand just laying around that you can blow on somebody else’s snot, you have too much money. But since a lot of people in this world seem to have that problem, I’m gonna go start digging.

A New Twist On An Old Favourite, And Some Other Things I’m Not Even Gonna Try To Figure Out

And now it’s time for another exciting edition of Steve Looks Through The Hit Counter Logs, Finds Interesting Search Terms, Uses His Copy And Paste Functions, Does Some Basic HTML, Thinks Of Some Wise Ass Comments And Writes Them Down, Then Posts Them For The Enjoyment Of Anybody Who Still Actually Reads This Site. I like that name, it’s got a nice ring to it, slides right off the tongue. Anyway, now that we’ve all spent the last 27 minutes saying the name, let’s play!

For anybody who doesn’t know what this is by now, here’s a quick explanation of what’s happening here.

Every day, people use search engines to find all sorts of things. Anything you can think of and most likely a lot of things that you can’t or just plain don’t want to think of can be found on this great big world wide web of ours. Sometimes, they can even be found here, or at least people think that they can because the search engines make it look that way. So not knowing exactly what they’re getting into, people click the link and land somewhere on this site. As soon as they do, our trusty stats machine logs what they searched for and saves it for me to see. In really simple terms, the system tells me why they clicked through to our site, showing me the exact words that got them here. This, as you can probably imagine, is where the explanation ends and the fun begins. Here is the best of what’s come through recently.

10 Jul, Sat, 04:37:10
Yahoo:
free pictures of Randy Orton’s penis

This one just won’t go away, but I have to give these people credit, they’re continuing to try new and creative ways of getting what they want. Take this latest example for instance. Instead of searching for young Randy’s actual penis, this obviously well-educated and reasonable individual has quite logically surmised that while locating a real celebrity penis on the internet would be basically futile, finding a picture of the organ in question is certainly well within the realm of possibility and apparently worth the effort that people continue to exert day after day in the hopes of finding what appears to be the holy grail of male genitalia.

Since I have no idea how to segway out of something like that, we’ll just move on.

10 Jul, Sat, 19:12:22
MSN Search:
adult males who masterbate together

Because we all know that the best way to find acceptance for who you really are is anonymously through the internet.

11 Jul, Sun, 03:43:06
Yahoo:
circumcision preppy

If anybody from the What The Fuck Department is reading this, you know what to do.

11 Jul, Sun, 11:54:03
MSN Search:
animated fucking clips

I wonder if this guy is looking for animated fucking clips or animated fucking clips. I’m sure that one is going to go right over the heads of a few of you. Just read it again and think about the 2 possible meanings of the sentence. If you need another hint, no matter what meaning you go with, this person is obviously frustrated in one form or another.

12 Jul, Mon, 01:19:59
MSN Search:
pam anderson sucking

While many would probably look at a search request such as this as no more than another pervert looking to get his wack on, I beg to differ. This individual is obviously seeking information on the cinematic masterpiece known as “Barbed Wire.” If you don’t believe me, watch the film and tell me what’s going on there if it isn’t sucking.

13 Jul, Tue, 16:48:40
Yahoo: “
lance armstrong” bisexual

I don’t know whether he is or he isn’t, but it’s a good thing that he’s really fast on a bike since he’ll need that speed to get away from groupies from both genders now. Do cyclists even have groupies? I don’t know, but it kind of makes me think twice about the real motives of all of those people who say that they’re behind him all the way.

And that does it for another exciting edition of Steve Looks Through The Hit Coun…the hell I’m writing all of that out again.

I’ll talk to you all soon…I hope.

Why Can’t All Commercials Be This Cool?

Update: Winnebago Man lives! I first posted this way back before there was a YouTube. Man, it’s so weird to write that. Anyway, the original link no longer works, but since now there is a YouTube and the video lives there, I’ve replaced it. Read on and enjoy.

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when one of those cheerful announcers from TV and radio commercials loses it and completely flips out, wonder no more. Even if you haven’t wondered, watch this anyway just because it’s funny.

There’s quite a bit of strong language here so make sure you have your sound turned way up.

Go Read This And Quit Your Bitching

I know I know, there haven’t been many updates here lately but when Matt isn’t saying anything and I successfully manage to kill my second computer in a little more than a month, these things tend to happen. But fear not, my computer is back and pretty well up and running again, good times. But since I’m busy right now and don’t really have much to say to you all you should go and read
Salty Ham’s latest PPV roundtable.
I’m in it just like always and so are some other good fun people. So go and take a look at our predictions for tomorrow and feel free to make fun of us or agree with us and let us know just how smart we are. Whatever you want to do, you go right ahead. I’m off to either wash dishes or keep updating the Salty Ham Music news section now. See ya later.

One Of Those Random Posts

Hey everybody. I hope that you had, are having or will have a great holiday weekend depending on where you are and what your work schedule looks like. Mine was great for the most part but I won’t make you sit through uninteresting stories about how I spent my Canada Day. Oh no. Instead, I’ll make you sit through uninteresting stories about other things of little to no importance.

Sorry once again for the lack of site content these days, but a combination of regular everyday things, not having a computer of my own that works and trying to find a new house doesn’t tend to leave much time for updating this place, which sucks. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought of something that should be here only to forget it when I get a minute that I could use to write it down.

Fortunately though one of my problems is solved, I have a place and I can start moving in at the beginning of August. All that’s left to do to make it official is hand over a pile of money and sign some documents.

It’s nice to have that load off my mind since I was running out of time to find something and it was really looking like I wasn’t going to get anything doable and then who knows what would have happened to me. But as cool as the feeling is, I can’t help but be nervous because once the move is done I’ll be doing something I’ve never done before, I’ll be living alone. I’ve never truly lived on my own before, there’s always been either family, housemates or a significant other sharing my space, but now, even though my new apartment doesn’t have much space, it’s still all mine and honestly I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it or how I’m going to manage. I’m sure I’ll do ok but it’s one of those things that you actually have to do for awhile before you can be really confident about it, there’s a lot of adjusting involved. The place is all yours all the time. No people unless they come over and they’ll eventually leave, that’s a weird thought. I’m sure I’ll let you all know how it goes, not that any of you really care but fuck it, it’s my site I’ll do what I want. Ok so it’s actually Matt’s site because he set it up but dammit, you know what I mean.

As for the no computer thing, nothing much has changed there. I still don’t have one. I thought that by the end of the holiday weekend that I’d be good to go but alas, something had to go wrong. For some reason the system won’t recognize my new drive which makes it pretty hard to install Windows on it, so the guy decided to take it to his office and let some other people have a crack at figuring out why that happens. So as of right now I have 2 hard drives in my system, neither of which work, and I have no idea when that’s going to be made right. The fun just never stops around here.

Ok, before I get out of here, I just want to appologize if any of you have been having trouble getting to the site. It’s been going up and down lately and I’m not sure why. It’s nothing that any of us who write here have any power over so we just have to wait it out and hope that the people at Blog Spot know what the hell’s wrong and then decide to fix it. It’s not just our site, I’ve had the same trouble on others too so if you thought it was either just our site or your stupid computer, you’re not alone.

That’s all for now, I’ll be back later with something, I’m just not sure when. Keep checking back, it could happen at any time.

Vote Or Shut Up???

So today is Election Day in Canada. As with any election in any area we’ve been slammed with ads and all kinds of rhetoric for the last while all telling us why we should vote for the different candidates. That alone is annoying enough for me to have considered posting on, but I refrained since I’m sure most people felt the same way and so, there was no reason to voice an opinion on it. But I’ll certainloy voice my opinion on this related topic.

There seems to be a VERY common thought process out there of “Vote Or Shut Up.” I’m sure most of you have heard it. All it means is that, basically, if you don’t go out and vote today, you have no right to complain about anything that happens between now and the next election in 4 years because you didn’t try to change it.

What the Fuck???

I have a very contrasting view point. It’s actually the complete opposite. My opinion is one shared by not a lot of people, but that I’ve heard from some experts and even one great comedian. (everyone loves George Carlin)

Before I start, I don’t want anyone to think that I’m biased on this because I WILL be voting today, and voting Liberal if anyone cares. (I don’t know why everyone gets so defensive about who they’re votiing for. Like it’s a personal failure or something if the party you voted for doesn’t get in.) However, in our recent Provincial Election I did not vote because I refused to support any of the retards that were running at the time. So I’ve been on both sides.

Now, for arguemens sake. Let’s say that I stay home today and deicde not to vote. YOU, the voters, have no right to complain after what happens today. If you vote some asshole in to the office that runs this country in to the ground, you have no one to blame but yourself. You chose for this to happen. Don’t look for a scapegoat in me by saying I should have gone out and voted for the other guy… why didn’t youv ote for the other guy? I didn’t cause this… I didn’t even leave the house today. “Vote Or Shut Up”?. Idiots. Let’s try “Vote. Then Shut Up” because everyone’s gonna have a hand in what happens. You voted for the modern day, HItler and I didn’t go out and vote for the modern day Ghandi. Don’t go looking for a scape goat in those who didn’t vote after you realize that you’ve made a bad choice. If I decide that I don’t agree with the ideals of any of the parties, why should I support them? I won’t vote and that’s none of your business. That’s the great thing about Democracy, remember? Yes. I can choose who will run my country, but if I cna’t support any of them… I can also CHOOSE not to vote.

All that said, I mentioned before I will be going out and voting today for the Liberal Party. If in 2 years he has half of us in Iran fighting another war right along side Bush (which he said he won’t) and the other half of us are living in starvation on the streets then I’ll realize that I made a very bad choice. But I certainly won’t look to the starving guy beside me and blame him because he didn’t go out and vote for the other guy. Maybe I should look to him and apologize to him for helping to put him in that position.

Democracy is a wonderful, wonderful thing and we should all be thrilled to have it. But people seem to want to use it as some way to blame other people despite the fact that they may have been one of the ones to make a mistakes. We’re all gonna be wrong once in a while… we just gotta hope that not more than 50 per cent of us are never wrong at the same time.

Happy Election Day, everyone. Let’s just get along and blame who should be blamed. Anyone who gets in to office and breaks campaign promises. Oh, I know it will happen. But those are the people you should be aiming your anger at, not those that didn’t vote when you did, or those who did vote when you didn’t.

Sometimes we just have to be able to admit ehwn we’re wrong.

This Site Lives Up To It’s Name

A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.

He answers the door and there’s a bum asking him for a toothpick. The barkeep gives him one and shuts the door.

After a few moments, there’s another knock at the door. The bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the door again.

Because everything in jokes like this involves sets of threes, there’s a THIRD knock on the door. This time, though, the bum only wants a straw.

“Why not a toothpick?”

“Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is gone already!”

Maybe I’ll Do Better This Time

PPV time is upon us once again and as usual, we the Salty Ham people have put together our predictions in an attempt to win a contest that I’m not even sure has a prize other than being able to say that we won. Hopefully I do a bit better than last time though otherwise I won’t be winning anything.

You can
click here
to check it out.

We’ve Had A Lot Of These Lately

For some reason the number of search engine hits on our site has gone way up even though our over all hit counts have gone down since Matt and I decided to get lives and not post here so much. In fact, we’ve had so many search requests that I’m sure I’m missing a few. But before I miss anymore of them, let’s take a look at how people are finding us, not to mention take a rather creepy look into the human mind.

23 Jun, Wed, 05:05:03
Yahoo:
hyenna penis and vagina

I’m pretty sure this guy was trying to spell hyena, but stil…

23 Jun, Wed, 16:55:34
Yahoo:
adendom

“Hey man, I know what we can do today, let’s look up random words that could show up anywhere and see who can get the most results!”

“Hey, good idea, the chicks will really start digging us once they find out that we’re doing that, we’ll be the kings of cool.”

24 Jun, Thu, 04:08:27
MSN Search:
free tits and ass of major female celebs

I’m actually sort of happy to see this one because it means that they’re finally giving up on the child porn. It also helps to explain why we’ve been getting so many searches lately looking for the Pam Anderson sex video. By the way, when did we talk about that here, I don’t remember.

I think this next guy might have killed somebody, or he’s about to.

26 Jun, Sat, 17:40:56
MSN Search:
Laws about vigilanty justice

26 Jun, Sat, 23:56:46
Google: “
his anal rampage is totally weak”

Nope, I got nothin’.

27 Jun, Sun, 04:10:15
Google:
brett favre’s anus

It’s nice to see that the Randy Orton’s penis crowd has matured and moved on. But I’d be willing to bet that those last 2 searches were the same person making a futile attempt to quench a thirst for gay porn that I’m not even gonna try to understand.

Ok, those are the best of the recent best but at the rate they’re coming in, we’ll be doing this again real soon.

I’ll be back later to promote things.