I guess It Was His Time Then

What a strange story, complete with strange name. Sevan Kavorkian decided to hang himself. His girlfriend found him, cut him down and revived him. He started beating the everloving hell out of her, a man climbed through a window to save her, put Kavorkian in a sleeper hold, and this killed him. What a strange chain of events that’s guaranteed to leave a lot of people screwed up for a long time.

I’m Not A Scout, So I Don’t Need Honour.

I’ve learned two things from this story. 1. If you find yourself in Florida with the urge to steal money from someone, make sure you just don’t take it by force or directly from their hands. So if you can distract them, that envelope of girl scout cookie money is fair game.
2. There are two sociopaths in training in the town of Boynton Beach. Yep. The two 17-year-olds who robbed the nine-year-old Girl Scout openly said they’re not sorry, and just pissed that they got caught. I wish they’d turned 18 so their names could get plastered everywhere.

At least the one kid’s dad had enough sense to pay the money back. I hope he’s ashamed of the monster that is his daughter. Not only did she steal from the poor little kid, she came back the next day and taunted her! I guess it worked out for the little girl, she got extra money from the supermarket where the assholes robbed her. But I don’t know if money will fix the damage that I’m sure those kids caused. I mean, they robbed her right in front of her mother!

I hope to hell they don’t get off easy just because they’re minors. With attitudes like that, they don’t deserve a chance. They deserve some serious punishment.

I Wish This Wasn’t True

Oh my lord. When Steve put up that link to the video about the Kid Bankrupting the Make A Wish Foundation, did anyone actually think it was true? In case you did, it’s a joke. J o k e! It’s Satire! But a lot of people missed it, so much so that Snopes is talking about it. It even says in the emails they’re receiving that the person has never heard of the Today Now! show, and they’re not sure if it’s real. Hmm. That would be your first clue that it’s a spoof.

I don’t know if this is a complement to the Onion’s skilled production work, or a disturbing sign that our collective IQ is dropping like a rock. I guess we can choose how we want to look at it.

We Will BE Beginning Our Descent Into Madness Shortly…

Picture this. You get on a plane in Toronto, bound for London, England. Things are all good, until you see someone being pinned down by crew-members near the galley of the plane. It’s the co-pilot!

For unknown reasons, he just went insane, screaming that he wanted to speak to god. Thankfully, the plane was diverted to Ireland, and everyone’s ok…well…everyone but the co-pilot, who is in hospital. But it’s ok, so he says. You can text him, you can email him. I just love this story for the headline.

Part of me feels guilty for laughing. Who knows what happened to the poor guy? But man, what an image that must have been, your co-pilot being dragged past business class, back into the cabin in ankle-shackles. That’s a flight to remember.

Eeewww! Get Away! You Might Give Me Cooties!

If you’re in court, and you find out you’re going before Judge Jon-Jo Douglas, you can hang your head and crry because he’s an ignorant prick. There is no better way to describe a judge who, once he found out a witness had HIV and Hepatitis C, freaked out, demanded he wear a mask, ordered that all his documents be handled by gloves and placed in plastic bags, and had the court proceedings take place in a bigger courtroom, placing more distance between the witness and the bench. According to the Judge Jon-Jo Douglas school of HIV-training, “The HIV virus will live in a dried state for year after year after year and only needs moisture to reactivate itself.” This is 2008, Judge Douglas. Get a clue.

Sobering Consequences

When you’ve been drinking, decide to drive home, but then think it’s a bad idea, do you…a. stop and call a cab?
b. let someone else drive?
c. Stay somewhere?
or…
d. call 911 and say you might need some help because you’re too intoxicated to drive? If you chose D, welcome to the Pat Dykstra club. Strangely enough, she was more worried about the danger of talking on the phone while driving. Check out her 911 call. I love the reaction of the dispatcher. amazingly, this lady sounds pretty sober for blowing a .14.

Apparently, Dykstra is usually a responsible, smart lady. It’s going to take her a while to live this one down.

Haw Haw Haw, You Really Got Me There

You’d think that of all the people who should know that pretending to break into somebody’s house as a joke is a dumb idea, a police officer would be right at the top of the list, but apparently not. Perhaps the bullet the doctors had to dig out of his stomach will serve as a reminder from now on though.

And speaking of the future, something tells me there’ll be a few awkward family get-togethers ahead as well.