Passed Out Where? In A What? With A Who?

  • A dude breaks into a garage,
  • then gets scared off to a neighbour’s garage,
  • where he steals a mountain bike, a lawn mower, a stuffed toy and a blanket,
  • returns to the first garage,
  • and is found two hours later
  • passed out in a boat
  • with his pants down
  • next to the now anatomically correct stolen stuffed dog?

What the? Some stuff is just too funny. I first read this, thought this wasn’t bloggable, but couldn’t stop laughing, showed it to Steve, and we both couldn’t stop laughing. Ok, ok, it’s going up here. I think this rivals our bongo drum Teddie-bear shrine-creating burglar of last November.

Suddenly, $35 Doesn’t Seem Like That Much

Just picture the complete suckery that a day like the one described in this story would entail. It definitely outsucks subjecting your taste-buds to a vegan brownie!

Man is mugged at gas station, man chases after mugger in his car, man gets out to chase him on foot leaving keys in ignition, completely unrelated men steal his car!

I definitely wouldn’t want to be the mugger he was pursuing, because if the man caught that guy…well…the rage of having his car stolen might take over and that mugger might receive all of it, and that would be a lot of rage.

He’s No Nerd?

My mom used to think I was weird because I figured out a system where I could calculate what day of the week a given date was in a certain year. um, er, I think I’ve been beaten. I would be arrogant to even say that if you could quantify our weird abilities, that that little trick of mine would be the 13th route of his number-crunching powers. And I’m not even that good at it anymore.

Roachbots?

I’m going to look like a conspiracy theorist, but this is just weird. A bunch of Washington scientists built robo-cockroaches and sent them out to see if they could infiltrate and influence real ones. They had to spray them with pheromones to fool the little crawling critters, but they did it. They say it’s to study the leaderless group behaviour of cockroaches. Is there a bigger picture here? I’d like to think that we’re harder to fool than a cockroach, but….you never know.

No Really, the Mice Were Part Of The Presentation.

Gees, with the amount of money people pay to have desserts at this eatery, you’d think the eatery could afford to call an exterminator. Nope, so it’s shut down. No one will be buying $25000-sundaes anymore. Jesus! $25000? Why? You’re going to eat it! I know it has eddible gold and the finest cocoa, but…you’re just going to eat it! I like to have something to show for it if I pay $25000 for something. People who can afford to have these things, can I borrow your wallets?

Woe! Egg Nog Contains Eggs!

What do you think you are going to find in a jug of egg nog? Since it is *egg* nog, I would think a reasonable person would deduce that it contains eggs. Am I wrong? Apparently, I am, and the poor folks at Smiling Hill Farm have to hand-stick labels on all the caps on the jugs of egg nog telling people it contains eggs so their product won’t be recalled. The FDA says it has to clearly say the product contains eggs, so folks allergic to eggs won’t buy it.

It’s egg! nog! If you’re too stupid to realize that egg! nog! contains eggs, maybe you should take a good ol’ slug of it, see what happens, and smarten up.

Anything To Declare? Yeah, A Dead Man, Thanks To You!

I hope I never need some kind of emergency ambulance transport across the border. If I do, I hope the ambulance carrying me doesn’t get stopped by Customs Officers, like happened to poor Rick Laporte. The man had a heart attack, needed emergency angioplasty, and the closest place to go was Detroit. His heart stopped twice on the way, and he needed to be revived. But despite being given a police escort, the Customs nimrods flagged the ambulance over, asked the driver to get out, then asked him to open the back door so the dying man could verbally confirm his name!

What would these assholes have done if this guy had suffered a stroke rendering him speechless? What if he was unconscious? Idiots! Idiots! Idiots! With all the keenness for tasers lately, I wish the cops had used one on that moron. The man’s dying, get out of the way! Bzzz!

Lucky for these imbeciles at the border, Mr. Laporte made it to the hospital, and is recovering. I still think someone should sue the bastards. Come on, guys, use common fucking sense. It’s an ambulance with a police escort! Get out of the goddamn way!

What’s Popping Out Of My Popcorn?

Ok, I’m about to look nutty cuckoo, but maybe there’s a chance in hell that someone thinks the same way I do about this. Steve says this is one of the few things I say that makes him stare at me and go “huh?” Oh well.

Does anyone else get creeped out by the way the dude in the Orville Redenbacher flavour shakers commercials says, “surprise!” It never really crossed my mind until I saw it late at night one night. Ever since, I keep getting these horror movie visions, like instead of ketchup being on your popcorn, it’s now covered in blood! Surprise! There’s just something very wrong with the way the guy says it, and it bothers me that usually right before he says it, you hear a splatting sound.

I’m probably a very sick and twisted human being, but…am I the only sick and twisted human being on this front?

There! Is! No! "they"!

Ah crap! I forgot one big thing in my last post. But I think it needs mentioning.

I was sitting waiting for someone yesterday. I didn’t expect it to be that cold, so I didn’t put Trixie’s coat on her. I felt so bad, because the sensitive little Californian pooch was shivering and shaking. I made sure she didn’t lie down, because I thought if there was a definite way to get cold, laying belly-first on the cold ground would be it. So I got her to sit between my knees so I could at least try to keep her warm.

Just then, a woman bustled over to me and plopped down beside me. “Oh the poor dog! The poor poor dog! She’s so cold!” she chirped. I told her I wasn’t expecting to be out this long, and was going right back inside, so I didn’t throw her coat on her. “Oh!” she said. Plus, I said that she came from California, and so she’s not used to the cold yet.

After hearing these words, the woman got all upset. “That’s horrible! When they’re raising puppies right here, why would they send you to California? Oh, it’s not right, oh oh it’s not right!”

I told her that “they” didn’t send me anywhere, I chose to go to California because the school had the best reputation. I had asked others who live in Canada how their pooches handled the change in climate, and they said they adapted well, so I went. Then she didn’t know what to do. I was surprised that she didn’t get appalled at me for doing this to the poor thing. Hell, if she was that upset at some unknown hidden force that she thought had packed me off to California, why wouldn’t she be just as mad when she found out I was the guilty one? Oh yeah, she wouldn’t want to actually stand up for what she believed in when truly faced with it.

I’m still amazed that so many people think that there’s some benevolent force handing out guide dogs and we don’t have to do any work to get one. Let me say, for at least the second time on this blog, that getting a guide dog is a lifestyle choice, and the people who get them choose that path, and choose what school they go to. It is not a right of passage for blinks. In fact, the ones with dogs are a pretty small percentage. A very obvious small percentage, but small, nonetheless.