Of all the sites on the internet, this is one.
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about
The Incredible Popeman comic books and action figures?
Well, if that’s just not enough JP2 swag for you, perhaps you might be interested in your very own set of
A Pope for the Ages trading cards.
As for me, I’m holding out until I can buy a “My Pope went to Heaven and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” shirt.
I’ll let someone else make the joke about the soon to be released John Paul II commemorative breathing tube, because that’s just not nice.
Somebody sent me one of those tell the people in your life how much you love them chain emails today. I’m sure you know the ones, everybody gets them and they’re all pretty much the same. What would you do if one day you woke up and someone you care about was gone? Would you have any regrets? Anything you wish you would have said? Would that person know truly how you felt? Yeah, you know the ones.
The sentiment was nice, though I can’t help but think whenever I get one how much more it would have meant if the person sending it had taken a couple of minutes to actually sit down and write it on his or her own just for me, instead of blindly forwarding somebody else’s words to an addressbook full of people, words that have no doubt been around the net millions of times over the years. Maybe it’s just me, but when I know that these nice words I’m reading that were sent by somebody I care about are also at any given time being read by some fat guy in Iowa and everybody else this person knows, they tend to lose most, if not all of their meaning. It doesn’t take much longer to write your own email to tell me that you’re thinking of me, and I can’t speak for everybody, but I for one really appreciate the personal touch.
But that’s not even why I’m writing this.
Like most chain letters, this one had the standard set of instructions at the end. The ones that tell you to send it on to everyone you know so that they’ll all know exactly how you feel. But a line in this set really stood out to me. It said “pass this message on to everyone you know, including the person who sent it to you. IF you don’t, the sky won’t fall, but somebody in the world won’t be smiling.”
First of all, who worries about the sky falling? I know I don’t. And why should I be upset if only 1 person on the planet isn’t smiling? It seems to me that if we somehow managed to get the ranks of the non-smiling down to just 1 person, that would be a huge improvement compared to the way things are now. Think about it. There are somewhere around 6 billion people traveling around the sun with us. And when you stop and consider the kinds of situations that millions of them find themselves living in day after day, it’s pretty reasonable to assume that quite a few of them aren’t going to be smiling whether I send the email back to my friend or not. What would they care? I’m sure that if you were somehow able to ask those people what would make them smile, a hot meal or an end to the conflicts that threaten their very existence on a daily basis would rank far higher on the list than the fat guy in Iowa getting his chain letter back. So please, next time you think about hitting forward to pass on the nice letter, think about what it actually says, and think about how much more you could do to make the people around you smile.
“White people…we CANNOT be black. It’s not possible. We cannot “wave our hands in the air, and wave ’em like we just don’t care!”
We, as white folks must “raise our digits vertically and oscillate them like we fear no repercussions.” We are corny, white people. Fuckin’ embrace it. We can’t “drop it like it’s hot.” White people all dance weird, kind of like Elaine from Seinfeld.”
It seems that the recording industry has found a way to pay off the settlement that came out of the price-fixing lawsuit that it lost a couple of years back. The labels have decided to
donate
all of the crap that nobody is buying to libraries and schools, leaving the poor librarians and educators to figure out what in hell they’re going to do with 20 copies of Christina Aguilera’s Christmas album among other greatness that they’ve been receiving by the boxfull over the past few months, greatness that they’re going to keep receiving until sometime around June of this year.
I don’t really have much to say about this story, I just found it interesting, and parts of it are pretty funny, like the woman who’s trying to play the optimist by saying that they’ll have more than enough Ricky Martin albums to ensure that everybody who visits the bookmobile gets one.
I’m not sure why
this news story
makes me so angry, but it does. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been able to figure out why anybody takes the time to give even a quarter of a shit what a fashion critic thinks about anything. I mean seriously, fashion critic has to be one of the most useless occupations on the planet. What purpose do they serve? What function do they perform that contributes to the betterment or entertainment of society? Their entire job is telling people that they’re clothes look stupid. Oh wait, they also get to write about the fact that people’s clothes look stupid. That’s all they do, and people pay them for it. It’s ridiculous. If you want to make fun of the way someone looks, become a comedian instead, otherwise just shut your stupid mouth and go away and stop shitting on one of the few truly well intentioned ideas that any government has had in a long time.
Before I start making fun of people who search for strange things, let me say this. Anybody who thinks that those floating flash ads are a good idea and uses them on their websites deserves a big kick in the nuts, even if that person happens to be a girl. Now on with the show.
We’ve got a really weird selection of search terms this time out, some of the strangest I’ve ever seen, so let’s get down to business.
19 Mar, Sat, 18:35:02
Yahoo:
nude sighties
You know, I for one think it’s great that blind people are out on the net looking for porn like everyone else. That’s the right attitude, don’t let anything get you down, try to stay as upbeat as possible.
17 Mar, Thu, 15:22:48
Yahoo:
free fat bitchs
You know, I for one think that we absolutely should, and that all of those among us who have the nerve to capture them should be ashamed of themselves.
02 Apr, Sat, 12:25:44
Yahoo:
paralyzed+disabled people having sex=pictures
Perhaps I should have paid more attention, but I don’t recall that equation ever coming up in any math class I’ve ever been in. I guess the old saying is true, you learn something new every day.
27 Mar, Sun, 16:52:16
Yahoo:
nanny-goat genitals
I’m going to hold out hope that the person who searched that is a veterinarian. Then again, if you’re a professional and you’re getting your research materials from a place called the Vomet Comet, maybe that’s not so good after all.
Here come a couple for the good folks working in the What The Fuck Department.
30 Mar, Wed, 17:19:44
Google: “
white tiger” “halloween costume” gay guy picture fangs
It almost seems like this guy was trying to be super efficient by searching for 2 things at the same time. Not a bad idea, it’s too bad it didn’t quite work out.
04 Apr, Mon, 03:08:51
Yahoo:
hockey+tournament+five+dollar+dildo+show
I’ve got nothin’, let’s move on.
08 Apr, Fri, 15:18:42
Yahoo:
PRISSY BIGGOTS
I had to throw this one in just because I’ve never seen those 2 words together before.
08 Apr, Fri, 10:18:17
Yahoo:
sucking cock in oshawa
I had to throw this one in for the benefit of the people who’ve been wondering what Matt’s been up to these days.
And finally, we have this.
27 Apr, Wed, 19:11:43
Yahoo: “
shoe penis”
Would that be a penis shaped like a shoe? A shoe shaped like a penis? A shoe that you could wear on your penis? A kick from a shoe to a penis? So many questions, so little time.
And just like that, we’re done. We’ll do this again soon though, don’t worry. the only thing I don’t like about this bit is coming up with good endings for it. That’s always been a pain in the ass. I guess I could always just not bother. Yeah, good idea.
Minneapolis Minnesota’s chief of police wants the government to License the city’s beggars because he feels that something needs to be done to help police deal with aggressive panhandling.
I think I can almost understand the logic behind this, but having said that, there are 2 really simple reasons why a system like this would never work.
First of all, what good does putting them in jail do, they’re homeless for God sakes. They’ll probably live better in jail than they do now, and not only that, but they’d be living there for free. There’s quite a threat to hang over the head of somebody who lives in a box. “If you don’t obey this new law, we’ll put a roof over your head and feed you 3 free meals a day. Oh and we might also give you a job and pay you honest to goodness American money for doing it. We’re serious mister, so you’d better straighten up and fly right or it’s off to the big house for you.” Yeah, that’ll teach those panhandling pricks a thing or 2. Probably scare them right off the streets in fact. Good thinkin’ Chief, you’re a friggin genius!
And secondly, ask yourself this question. If somebody happens to violate the terms of the new law, how is that person going to get the money to pay the fine? You don’t have to be a super genius to figure that one out.
But even though there are such obvious glaring problems with this idea, I’ll bet that there’ll be at least 1 politician in the area willing to “take a look at it,” which frightens me. It also angers me, but more because in general people in government can never just come right out and say that something is a bad idea, or better yet, that it’s just plain stupid. And even on those rare occasions when somebody does, he or she either feels the need to apologize for what was said or is more than happy to completely change positions on the issue the moment that there’s something to be gained by doing so.
But I shouldn’t have to tell you all of this. Politicians have done more than enough to earn the reputation they have on their own, and I’m sure they don’t need me to point it out and talk it up. So instead I’ll just go to bed and watch American Justice. Considering the circumstances, it kind of seems appropriate.
Somebody emailed me this riddle today. Read it and see if you can get the right answer.
A woman was attending her mother’s funeral and met a man she didn’t know. She thought he was amazing and she fell in love with him immediately. When the funeral was over he disappeared, and the woman did not get his phone number. Nobody knew who he was and she couldn’t contact him. A couple of days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
The email says that you should think long and hard about your answer but as it turns out, I had it right even before I read that instruction which is weird because generally I suck at these things and hardly ever get them right. Half the time they don’t even make sense to me after I know the answer. Yeah, I’m retarded, shut up.
The email also says that the situation we’re dealing with here was created by a psychologist and that a lot of people tend to get it wrong, a fact that will become important in a minute when I give you the answer.
Ok, now that you’ve had some time to think about this, here it comes.
ANSWER: She was hoping the man would turn up at the funeral again.
So for a second I’m thinking hey cool, I nailed that one. But then I read on and saw this:
If you got the right answer, you think like a psychopath. This was a test from a famous American psychologist which was used to see if you were thinking like a murderer.
Many serial killers who participated in the test got the right answer.
Sure, this thing probably isn’t legit, but still, the one time I feel like I’ve won the game, I still lose. It makes me so mad that I could just…oh never mind.
So how is everybody? Good? No? Yes? Whatever, let’s just get on with this.
I wish I could figure out what the hell is up with the weather these days. Last week it was amazingly Summerish, then over the weekend there was snow on the ground and yesterday was just cold and crappy, but today was one of the strangest weather days I can remember. When I woke up this morning it was raining pretty hard, when I left the house the rain had stopped but it seemed like it might start up again, when I left the radio station it was windy as hell, and then when I got off of the bus to walk home the sun was shining and it felt like a nice Spring day. And now according to my little computerized weather thingie it is currently 15 degrees outside. That’s celsius, not Fahrenheit, I should probably mention that so that all the Americans don’t start freaking out. But seriously guys, that shit ain’t right. We aren’t supposed to have 3 seasons in as many days, we just aren’t, and I think that 2 in 1 day is a little much too. But the more of this craziness I live through, the more sense
Lewis Black
makes. If you’ve ever listened to any of his albums, you’ll know what I mean.
“This is great Steve,” I hear you saying, “but what does you bitching about the weather have to do with irony?”
“Nothing,” I reply, “but I’m writing this article and I’ll make casual conversation if I feel like it. But since I sort of promised irony in the title of the post, I guess I should talk about it, so here goes.”
Carin was talking yesterday about how in our city they’re messing with everything and have decided to
move the bus system to a new spot
until they’re finished. The whole situation is a huge pain in the ass, and she’s right, nobody can agree on what exactly it is they’re doing there. I’ve asked 6 or 7 different people myself and gotten as many different answers. The purpose of the construction seems to change about as much as the weather in this stupid town, but enough about that. I’ve heard everything from they’re putting in new street lamps to it’s a wiring job to my personal favourite, “hell if I know.” That one came from somebody who works for transit here in the city. You’ve gotta respect honesty like that.
But speaking of the transit system, here comes your irony. When I found out that everything was being moved around, I called them to ask about whether or not there were any scheduling changes because when you’re trying to get somewhere on time, that’s kind of important to know. The woman on the phone told me that they were having a lot of trouble with busses arriving late but that I should plan to get to the stop at my usual time just in case. Well, it’s a really good thing I listened and it’s even better that I’ve kept listening since because every bus I’ve taken since this mess started has been more on time than any of the others that I’ve taken in the entire 5 years that I’ve lived here.
See, irony rules, just like I said. And it gets better, even though this one has nothing to do with busses or me.
According to
this story,
one of the people on Michael Jackson’s potential defence witnesses list was arrested last week for having sex with an under-age girl. The man, 18-year-old Ahmad Elatab, was charged with sexual assault, criminal sexual contact and impairing the morals of a minor.
I have nothing more to add to that, other than like I’ve already said, irony rules.
I’m going to do something else now, I’ll talk to you all later.
No, this isn’t even remotely close to deep or political. The deepest it goes is, wow people are out of it in my town.
There’s this weird coffee store near me. It’s kind of a cool place. There’s a grinder working all the time, and they get blends of coffee that are supposedly made in fair-trade working conditions so little kids aren’t being forced to pick beans and make stuff, etc. Since I’m graduating, I was buying some gifts for some people who have helped me along the way, and I know one of them likes coffee from this store. So I go in there to get him a gift basket. I ask what kind of gift baskets they have, and they tell me they have this one where you get two different kinds of coffee, a chocolate bar, and some tea. Now, here’s my point. The two most popular kinds of coffee they have are Freedom-Fighter, and Chatty Matty.
Chatty Matty I follow, especially if it’s espresso. But what does Freedom-Fighter make you think? To me, it makes me think terrorist. Isn’t that what some terrorists call themselves?
Unable to contain myself, I call the store, blocking my number of course. I ask them what’s in the coffee called Freedom-Fighter. She flatly says, “It’s a blend of Guatemalan and Peruvian coffee.” Surprised that she doesn’t want to know why I’m curious, I can’t leave it alone. I say, “the reason I’m curious is because when I think Freedom-Fighter, I think terrorist, and can’t figure out how coffee and terrorists go together.” The reaction is, well, priceless! First it was..”I’ve never had anyone ask me that before.” then “Um, I didn’t name it….” Then it’s “I never thought about it…” then it’s “well, I guess you can take it any way you want to…I just think someone’s fighting for their freedom.” After assuring her that I wasn’t appalled or anything, just more laughing than anything else, and saying that was the only reason I called, I let the poor befuddled clerk go.
Then I got to thinking, wow, people in this town really live in bubbles. Think about it. If it is one of their most popular blends of coffee, how can at least one other person have not asked that question? Do people not think any more? And, how can it have never crossed her mind that freedom-fighter means terrorist to most people, unless she’s lived under a rock and never heard the term except in the context of coffee? Part of me says she reacted that way because she’s getting paid by the store, and so, to protect their good name, she sort of played dumb. But oh no, the amount of shock and complete surprise in her reaction tells me she honestly had never had that idea float into her head. It just surprises me. I admit that I don’t read and watch as much news as I should, but I at least have a general understanding of what’s going on around me!