I feel old!

Lately I’m being slapped in the face with how old I’m getting. I know it’s not seriously that old, but it’s scary. It’s the beginning. Other people who aren’t that much younger than me don’t remember certain things that I remember clearly. Like, remember those old books that came with the tapes and when you listened to the tapes, you knew when it was time to flip the page in the book when you heard the chimes ring? You don’t either? Well…I met someone who had no idea what I was talking about! I also remember a time when the dial tone on the phone sounded different than it does now. Hell I remember the day it changed sound. It scared the crap out of me cause I thought I broke the phone. Hell I had a dial phone for years! Nobody else remembers the dial tone sounding different either! I remember clearly commercials for the Commodore 64. Enough said. I remember listening to records! When I mention things like that to other people, and they go, “No, I don’t remember that,” I can only pray it’s because they have a bad memory.

But if only it were those things. Other things scare me too. Hardly anyone in my classes were born in the same decade as me! If they are, it’s the refreshing moment when they’re much older and dooing the mature student thing. I’ve passed the quarter century mark! aaa! I hear songs on an oldies station that I don’t think are that old! The signs are beginning to accumulate. Somebody save me. Make me feel younger than somebody, or at least not quite so much like I’m getting old!

I’ll Let Somebody Else Make The Cork And Screw Jokes

It seems that Queer Beer isn’t alone in the gay alcohol market. In Australia, they now have something called
Pansy Wine.

Before now I’ve never really considered homo booze as a marketing concept, but the more I think about it, the more the advertising executive side of me keeps cranking out the good ideas.

For instance, what gay person wouldn’t want to run out and buy a big bottle of Rambuca? Or perhaps some Rodka? Maybe some Crack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey? And for that special lesbian in your life, how about a nice shot of Snatch Schnapps? I might have to change the name of that one since it’s kind of hard to say, especially when you’re smashed. But the possibilities are seemingly endless here.

Queer Beer

Some Swiss businessmen have launched a company called Lemonhead to market a new product known as
Queer Beer
which they hope will help them corner the homosexual market.

Ok, is it really a good idea to make a gay beer when your company has the word head in it’s name? And how are they going to sell it? I know that a lot of beer comes in bottles, but I’m sure that if you asked, a good portion of the gay community would tell you that they’d rather have it in the can.

A Hug? Or a Strangle Hold?

I just got another one of these stupid emails. They’re all the same. “This is a hug certificate. Here’s a nice sappy poem that I didn’t write and isn’t really that great. Send this to your friends and send it back to me. If I don’t get it back, I know how you feel.” Why are these things still circulating? Please please please tell me?

When will people realize that these sickly sweet meaningless poems that come a dime a dozen aren’t nice and cute? They’re fucking annoying. And why would you want the same poem sent back to you? You’ve already received the piece of trash, read it, and sent it on, which makes me question your intelligence. Why on earth would you want it back in your inbox like the cat that just keeps coming back? And why does receiving this back tell you more about friends X, Y, and Z than what they say in emails that they, ya know, actually take the time to write themselves? And here’s a hint to all you forwarding freaks. Don’t you think telling people to send this back or you know how they feel about you is taking all the sincerity out of it? Wouldn’t you rather they do it of their own free will? As soon as I see that line, I know what happens to that waste of so many bits of data. Pow! Straight to the trash! Please! Everybody! Stop sending these hug messages! Years ago, they were perhaps cute, and I’m saying perhaps. But now, they are nothing but stale wastes of space. If you want to send me a message to let me know you’re there, a simple “How’s it going?” message will do nicely. And here’s a really cool idea. If you send me one of those, chances are I’ll respond without you having to twist my arm!

The Only Thing Better Than Meeting Your Girl In The Park Is Parking Your Meat In Your Girl

Check out this big collection of weird sex laws.

Some highlights include:
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

There’s a lot more at the link above, so have fun, but do it in a legal way.

That’ll Leave A Mark

This comes from
the Reuters news service.

LONDON (Reuters) – A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover’s testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying “that’s yours.”

Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

Maybe it’s just me, but a few things strike me as kind of odd about this story.

First of all, is it really that easy to pull off a testicle? No, none of you have to try. But seriously, I didn’t know those things could just pop off. And even if they do, she’d still have to get it out of the bag so that she could put it in her mouth. So I’m thinking that she either gave a really big yank, or that this story is a really big fake. If anybody out there reading this knows otherwise, feel free to let me know, I’m interested.

Secondly, what was the guy’s friend doing there, and was it really necessary for him to tell this poor bastard that the testicle was his? I’m pretty sure he’s well aware of that fact. Come on, who else’s could it possibly be, unless this woman has a history of stashing man marbles in her mouth and when the friend got it back, he got a few others at the same time? But even then there would have to be some sort of a match the testicle analysis going on unless for some reason the friend had a very specific knowledge of what his buddy’s nuts looked like from the inside, and that would just be weird.

My hoax radar is going off big time here, this whole thing just doesn’t seem right to me. but it is true that truth is stranger than fiction so I suppose anything is possible. The truth is out there, and for some reason, I kind of want to find it.

More English Pet Peeves

What the hell is with me having the urge to be so nitpicky right now? I don’t know. But here I go again.

What is it with people forgetting the meaning of words and just using them any old way? Some people just seem to take words and throw them in a sentence as if they were a decoration that had no meaning. Like the way people say literally. I’ve heard people say, ” He was literally spitting fire.” Unles he’s one of those trick fire-eater guys, no he wasn’t. Literally means he was actually doing it. But people use the word just to accentuate what they’re saying. Or people who say, I rest my case when they haven’t proven anything. I just look at them and go, ok whatever.

And then there are words that just seem to have lost their meaning. Some people say, “Oh I could care less.” You know they mean, I don’t care. But if you could care less, doesn’t that imply that you do care somewhat because you could care less? Or, to take a shit. Don’t you want to leave a shit? If you’re taking one, I don’t want to know what you’re doing with it. And then there’s the expression “all but”. I don’t understand when people say, “the food was all but gone.” Wouldn’t that mean it was all still there? But they mean that it was pretty much gone. What the hell? Soon everything we know in the English language will be turned around ass backwards. One day I won’t know what hit me when I’ll say to someone, “have a nice day” and they’ll take it to mean, “go fuck yourself.”

Pet Peeves

There are certain little things in people’s writing that just annoy me. I don’t know why, I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass, but they just get under my skin, I guess the way people get bugged by other people’s eating habits, or the way people leave the toothpaste, etc. I just see them a lot and every time I do, I just go, god do you look at what you’re writing?

I’ll grant you I’m not the most perfect writer and speller in the world and an english teacher would probably pop out old red at least on my grammar. But some people just have forgotten how to use words. There are people who do not know when to use who and when to use whom, so to sound sophisticated, they use whom all the damn time. You’re not sophisticated, you’re an idiot. There is a time for who and a time for whom. If you don’t know, you’re probably safer to use who.

And then there are the ones who say then instead of than. They’ll say, “I like x more then y.” Maybe it’s just really evident because the thing that makes my computer talk makes it abundantly clear that dude fucked up. But it bugs the hell out of me. I understand that error doesn’t get caught by spell check. But there are some people who do it consistently! It’s like do you not know the meaning of the word then versus than? It especially bugs me when I see it in papers that I’m proofreading.

And while I’m on the subject of especially, notice how I spelled that. ESPECIALLY! no, boys and girls, it does not have an x in it! I have heard people say it as if it did, and have seen it written, and I just go, arg! I go arg whenever I see people making up new spellings of words. Expecially for especially, fermiliar or farmiliar for familiar, and this one bugs the ever loving hell out of me. Curiousity! I had someone on my MSN Messenger list who had that in their name for months. Ug. Curiosity has no second u! And they’ll insist that they’re spelling it right.

That’s the part that I guess bugs me the most. The same people keep doing it! Learn! People shouldn’t have made it through school and still be making these stupid mistakes…or at least if ya make them, you should catch them! Now feel free to pick the living hell out of that post…after what I’ve just said, I deserve it.

It’s Official, Music Is Dead

I wish I had a nickel [pun intended] for every time I heard somebody say something along the lines of “every Nickelback song sounds the same.” I’m pretty sure I’d never have to do anything ever again but that’s not really the point. The point is that I can help anybody who has ever said that prove it to anybody who ever tries to tell you that you’re wrong.

Turn up your sound and downloadthis.
It’s amazing. Not only that somebody thought to do this, but that an entire group of people could make this possible a few years and 2 albums apart without intending to.

Nothing to Wear

There’s been something that always bugs me. Why is it that lots of girls never want to wear a dressy outfit to more than one event? They’ll go out on a shopping quest, searching for the ultimate outfit. Once it has been located, like the holy grail, they’ll rave about it, wear it once and go, “oh didn’t I look good in that?” But when an occasion comes up where it would look good, they cry out, “Oh I can’t wear this. Person X will be there. They’ll have seen it before.” Ok, first of all, do you really think you’re so special that person X will remember what you wore a year ago at Bob and Betty’s wedding? “But there will be pictures!” Those are of your faces, predominantly I assume. Who in hell is photographing people’s outfits?

And my next thought is, who the hell cares? So you wore it before. People know that there aren’t clothing fairies running around handing out an infinite number of outfits. God expensive dresses and shit like that don’t come cheap. So what if you only have one or two? Do you have to project an image always of something you’re not? Just wear the damn dress and shut up. At least you do have a dress.

Plus, why would you waste all that money and time on something you’re only going to wear once? I figure all that money and time is an investment. You’re buying it so you can get a lot of wear out of it. It seems a complete shame to wear it once and then just let it collect dust in the closet. If you’re going to do that, you’re wasting your money. Go buy something you’ll actually use.

Well I think I’ve ranted enough about that already. Maybe I’ll go watch some TV. Oh wait. I’ve already done that today. Whatever shall I do?