Another Look Into Trixie’s Brain.

Trixie speaks
I think I’ve finally figured out why those trainers spent all that time teaching me to go around stuff. It’s because I’m with someone who really can’t see stuff! She’s not pretending. She really can’t! Even when I’m not wearing that harness thingy, if we’re out so I can do my business, I try to make sure she doesn’t smack into those poles along the grass. If I don’t move over, she will hit them. I don’t like watching that. Now, how can I use that not seeing thing to my advantage? Maybe if I don’t want to be ffound when she wants to put me on tie-down, like when they’re having really yummy-smelling steak for dinner, I’ll walk really quietly. Then if I don’t come, she won’t find me! Oh! She’s calling me *and* she has kibble! Ooo kibble kibble kibble kibble…crap! I’m tied down!

I don’t think the guy with the fascinating nuts can see either. If I’m lying on a nice piece of floor, sometimes he’ll step on me! Maybe it’s not such a nice piece of floor after all. He’s also figured out that I don’t like loud noises, so if Carin’s not there to catch me sneaking under the table, he’ll hit the table and then I have to run away! Damn! Foiled again!

Is it wrong to like Spanish people? Carin seems to think it is. There’s this Spanish lady on our floor, and every time I see her, I just gotta have a sniff! Then I get in trouble. Aww, come on! Why can’t I just have a little snifferoo? Please please please!

When we’re out playing on the lawn, I keep looking over at that big place where the kids jump and swim. I wanna go in there too, but Carin doesn’t bring me close enough so I can jump in. It looks so nice! I haven’t swam in forever! This is torture!

I got a new bed a while ago! It came in a giant box. But the weird part about this bed is it smelled like my old mommy from California! Is She coming to see me? Is she in the box too? It’s a big box. Maybe she’d fit. Where is she where is she where is she? I jumped in the bed, wagged my tail as hard as I could, and licked it all over. Now it smells like me, too!

I really really really love going to that place where Carin gets their meat. Lots of interesting people come in there. One guy who was getting a…what was it called…moose-hunting license? Yeah, that’s it. He smelled really interesting. I got in trouble again. I know exactly where the butcher’s counter is. I can lead her to it no problem. You don’t have to ask me twice to go there.

And then there’s the place with all the dogfood. There’s even a dog in there who wants to play with me! Carin, can I play? No? Aww, you’re really no fun!

I’ve noticed something about humans. They’re wimps! If I run into them with my head when we’re playing, especially if I hit them in the face, they say Ouch and rub their face like it hurt. Whatever, I hit them with my face and it didn’t hurt me. They’re just being dramatic about it. Bunch of crybabies. I wonder how long they could take walking on the sidewalk in bare feet. They have to put shoes on. Oo oo, shoes to protect their precious feet. You don’t see me in shoes, do you?

Every day is an interesting day. I never know where we’re going. There are so many choices! Are we taking the bus? Are we going to the store? Maybe we’re going to the place with the dogfood and the fruit and the funny dog who wants to play. Maybe we’re going to the bank. Or maybe it’s the drugstore. Is it The Tim Horton’s? Is it the place with the meat? I don’t know, but as we pass each one, I have to point my nose in its direction to see what she does. Every place is cool. Everybody loves me. It’s too bad I can’t love them back. I wonder where we’re going today!

How Much Is That Doggy In The Window…Per Month?

When I was a kid, and we whined about wanting a puppy, mom said if we really wanted a puppy, we had to be in it for the long hall. We had to realize that getting a dog is a commitment, and it wasn’t just a passing phase. Apparently, there’s a company wanting to make what mom said a thing of the past.

The company is called Flex Pets, and they’re offering to rent pets to people who don’t have the time or space for pets. Here’s something to consider. If they don’t have the time or space for pets, then maybe they shouldn’t rent one either.

They have ten dogs available to rent out, and they say they only take social dogs for the program. How long do you think the poor pooches will stay social when they’re passed around from person to person? I think what guide dog puppies go through, being raised by possibly multiple raisers, then trained by the trainers, then walked around by newbs as practice before we get them, must be incredibly hard on the dogs, but at least at the end of the process, they are paired with someone and that’s that. But this seems like a horrible thing to do to dogs just so someone can have some warm fuzzies for a while. If they want warm fuzzies, work at the kennels at the Humane Society. Then you’re getting to play with dogs and being useful. What a concept!

Ug there’s something about this idea that seems wrong. All I can think is, would the next step be a company renting out orphans to couples who don’t want the long-term commitment of having kids of their own?If the people who rent dogs really want a dog, why don’t they, uh, wait until they have the resources to give a dog a proper home and then take some responsibility and own one?

The Balance Might Be Fake, But The Stupidity Is Real

Some things just scream bad idea, and this is definitely one of them.

If you go
here,
you can buy either a one month or one year supply of fake ATM receipts. If you’re wondering why you would ever want to do such a thing, the site helpfully explains.

Tired of being used as a drink-dispenser? Maybe if you were rich you’d have more luck.

Ever wanted people to think you’re rich? Just casually let them see your massive bank balance on one of our fake ATM receipts, with your name right on it.

Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true.

Sadly, there’s no mention of which product you should buy when you get busted and exposed as being the complete and utter arsehole that you most definitely are.

How Buzz-arre.

Wow. Now our mounties are rounding up bees. This story is too weird. I quote.

OTTAWA (AFP) – Mounties in eastern Canada were called in to help round up rogue honeybees after a palace coup this week caused a split in the hive, a spokeswoman said Thursday.

“The beekeeper came to us and said that he lost half of his bees, about 30,000 to 40,000 of them,” said Cheryl Decker, spokeswoman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, as the Mounties are officially known.

“He said they were last seen near a Tim Horton’s” donut shop on the edge of town, said the spokeswoman for the detachment in Shelburne, Nova Scotia. “He wanted us to help him round them up.”

“It’s the first time that the police have been called in to help capture bees,” she noted.

Beekeeper Rodney Dillinger told AFP the colony was likely “stressed” and became dissatisfied with their queen. So, they raised a rival queen and then sent her into exile.

But half of the hive left with the deposed queen to “look for a new home.”

“It’s a common occurrence and they are not dangerous, but they look ugly to people who are not familiar with bees and I’m worried someone may attack them with a broom or a stick,” he said.

According to reports, the swarm has been mistaken for a bear in a tree and a dark cloud in flight.

Once located, Dillinger said the queen bee would be placed in a bee box to start a new hive, with the swarm expected to follow. “We haven’t found them yet. But I know which direction they went,” he said.

First off, if the bees were hanging out by a Tim Horton’s, you’d think the cops would catch them quickly enough, wouldn’t you? Maybe they’re happy to take this bee case just because it means staking out the doughnut shop.

And if someone is stupid enough to attack 40000 bees with a broomstick, maybe they get what they deserve.

How do you mistake a swarm of bees for a bear? I can understand a dark cloud, but a bear? It makes me think of that Winnie the Pooh story about the honey tree. “Oh, I’m just a little black rain, cloud, floating up under, the honey tree…” Now I feel stupid.

I hope the Mounties weren’t carrying out this mission on horseback, or they’d be sending out rescue missions to pick up fallen mounties who tumbled off the backs of spooked, bucking horses. This brings up another point. Mounties seem to ride in cars now, more often than not, which makes me wonder what makes them mounted police anymore.

And I’m glad this is the first time the RCMP has had to round up bees. It isn’t just another day at the office. If it was, I’d really wonder if they had become obsolete.

Your Kid, Is In The, Car!

Wow. After all this talk about kids getting left in hot cars, there are actually devices designed to warn you you’re leaving your kid behind. I love it. The parent is essentially on a leash. If they don’t take little Johnny with them, it knows this by a weight senser under a car seat or a harness clip in the seat, and they get 10 feet from the car, the key fob starts beeping, and grows more insistent the further they get from the car. Or, there’s always the heartbeat sensor built into the Volvo s80 that could start screaming that there’s someone in the car. It was marketed as something to let women know if someone was hiding in their backseat, but hey, it might work for this too.

All this integrating stuff into people’s key fobs brings me to a scary thought, though. How come these people always forget their kids, but never seem to lock their keys in their car at the same time?

This Is My House Damn It!

Let’s hope this never happens to me. I’m always afraid I’ll open the wrong door in the apartment building and piss someone off, just like this blind intoxicated Harris County man did. The story is too funny on its own, so I’ll just quote it and laugh.

HOUSTON, July 24 (UPI) — A blind man who drunkenly stumbled into the wrong Harris County, Texas, home was injured when the homeowner fired at him with a shotgun.

The blind man, who lives nearby the scene of the incident, had mistaken the home for his own and argued with the homeowner about whose house they were in, the Houston Chronicle reported Tuesday.

“It was not his residence,” said Lt. Michael Young of the Harris County Precinct 4 constable’s office. “The homeowner requested that this person leave and the interloper refused, insisting it was his house.”

The homeowner fired off a round of birdshot when the intoxicated man approached him, grazing his face and head.

The man, whose family said he had been involved in similar incidents in the past, was taken to a local hospital to treat his injuries, which were described as minor.

No charges are expected to result from the incident.

I love the term interloper, and the fact that this man has done this before. Has he gone into the same house by mistake before and the dude’s patience had gotten thin? Has he been shot before? Maybe he should take better notes on where he, er, lives so he doesn’t have to have doctors pick birdshot out of his cranium. Maybe he’ll have a better memory now of where home is.

More Puppy Escapades

Because I can’t stop doing these dog posts, and because people seem to like them, here’s another list of things that happen to me/things people say to me while Trixie and I are zooming around.

1. Someone actually said to me, “Wow! She knows what right and left mean? How cool is that?” Um, if she didn’t, how could I direct her where to go while still letting her prevent me from running into stuff? Most dogs get led around by the leash. But she is leading me, that’s what a guide dog would do. But I still have to be the one deciding where we’re going, so we have to communicate somehow. Now that I write this out, it does seem a little more complicated than it did it first when my gut reaction was to think, “duh!”

2. As I rode up the elevator with my neighbours, adults, not kids, the man said to me, “So when do we get to pet her?” When? You think you’re entitled to get to pet her? It sounded like a kid saying, “Can I have cake now, mommy?” I understand when kids say something like that, but it really shocks me when an adult says it. That, to me, is even worse than someone asking to pet her. This is almost like a demand. She’s very cute, I know, but she’s also very keen to meet new people, and that’s not what she’s supposed to do while she’s working. All I could manage was, “Um, er, I don’t know. Time will tell, I guess.”

3. Kids are hillarious. As I’ve walked into the drugstore, or onto a bus, I’ve had not one, but two kids turn to their mothers and say, “What? Why is she bringing that dog in here? I can’t bring our dog in here!” There is so much disgust and “That’s not fair!” in it that I have to wonder if they’re the middle child. And I also can’t stop giggling. Ah kids and pure honesty.

4. This one always hurts, because it’s usually said after she has given someone a good ol’ sniffing, tried to eat something off the ground, or done something else equally doggy and non-guide doggy. “Is she still in training?” Gulp. Well, yes and no. A guide dog is always in training, or they lose what they’ve already learned. But she’s fully certified as a guide dog. I keep telling myself this is because she’s a wee dog, so everyone still thinks she’s just a puppy, and that’s more the issue than what she just did to embarrass me. But it still makes me turn just a tad red. Other variations are “Oh, she’s still a puppy is she?” or “Is she doing better today?” or my personal favourite, “Is she trained?” All I can think when that one gets spat in my direction is wow, she’s that bad that she’s made you wonder if she’s just a pet dog and I’ve decided she should play dress-up today. Then I think how could it be a good idea to give people untrained dogs and have them mascarade as guide dogs? That would be, um, disastrous!

I think that’s about it for now. But I’m sure I’ll have more later as we make our way. Hope I don’t sound like an asshole. I don’t want to make people afraid to say stuff. Just some of it sounds silly to me, but maybe that’s easy for me to say when I’ve gone through all the training.

Man Vs. Machine

The city of Guelph recently passed a bylaw stating that all cabs must have their sign lights turned off when they are carrying passengers.

That sounds pretty mundane I know, but wait until you hear why.

According to Guelph Police Services Board lawyer Harry Perets, the law is designed to eliminate the confusion and safety concerns involved with hailing a cab. Yes, I said safety concerns.

Perets said some people jump in front of cabs to get them to stop when they see the lights on. Turning off the lights when passengers are aboard could reduce such scenarios.

Jesse Mendoza, Canadian Cab driver and secretary treasurer, said people will jump in front of cabs regardless of whether the sign lights are on or off.

About eight years ago, Mendoza said the company handed out fridge magnets to residents informing them that if the sign is off, the cab is occupied.

That didn’t deter people from jumping in front of cabs, he said.

Think about this for a second. I’d say for a minute, but then you’d probably go about as nuts as I did. People jumping in front of cars has become such an issue around here that not only did a taxi service take the step of handing out don’t jump in front of the large moving vehicle you moron magnets, but now, because that didn’t work, the city had to step in and pass into law what they hope will be a solution to the problem.

What they’ve come up with is fine, but I think I’ve got a better idea. Let the cabs hit a few of these idiots. Let’s face it, anybody who thinks that jumping in front of a cab is a wise decision probably doesn’t have much to offer the city or the world anyway, so what’s the loss? Why not stack up a few examples so that maybe people might start getting the message and catching a ride the same way every civilized person in this town does. Calling for one and waiting, or asking a parked cab if he’s free. And when somebody does get hit, send his family the bill for street sweeping and auto repair. They’re the ones responsible for unleashing these people on the rest of us, so why shouldn’t they take responsibility for them? That way the city isn’t out any money and our collective IQ is a little bit higher because the herd is a little bit thinner. Everybody wins.

It makes me angry beyond words that governments have to regulate common sense. We learn that we need to have respect for the road and the things on it from the time we’re old enough to walk. The fact that we need laws and light signals to tell adults what they should already know is fucking disgusting. I know it’s never going to change, but it burns me up that people like this are allowed to live in my world, and that they get protected to such a ridiculous degree while they’re here.

Now We Know Why They Named It That

A 45-year-old man from New Westminster, British Columbia lost control of the van he was driving Friday night, crashing through a concrete median and going over an embankment before coming to rest at the edge of a cliff about 30 metres above get this,
Wreck Beach.

I know it’s not the name of a person like the rest of these have been, but it’s ironic and it amused me so I thought it was worth noting.